Quotes

The Homestar Runner Enters the Strongest Man in the World Contest

I'm the very strongest! You guys are not very strong!

Where My Hat Is At? [sic]

[repeated line] Where my hat is at? I could go for a few cold ones right about now.

Who Said What Now?

I'm the only girl.

First Time Here?

Homestar Runner: Oh, hello! Welcome to Homestarrunner dot net. Crewman: It's "dot com". Homestar Runner: Oh, right. Homestarrunner dot net. “It's dot com!” Strong Bad: Hello, and welcome to I'm a Big Moron Who Can't Remember His Lines Dot Com! No, seriously. I'm Strong Bad, and you don't know it yet, but I'm the reason you're here. Strong Bad: Check me out! No, seriously, check me out.

Strong Bad

I'm Strong Bad. I've been described as cool, awesome, hot, video games [sic], the hottest, and real real hot.

Marzipan

I'm a fiercely independent woman, and I'm fiercely independent about the soy products that I choose.

King of Town

Now, despite rumors to the contrary, I did not just buy a crown at the costume palace and ask people to start calling me the King of Town. I earned my title the same way I earned a free combo meal: by purchasing one of equal or lesser value. I also did not ever try to eat my own mustache.

Some kinda robot (1)

“Dear Strong Bad: Do you take your wrestling mask and boxing gloves off before you go to bed? Sincerely, Abdi LaRue, San Diego, CA.” Well, that's a stupid question, Abdi. Do you take off your face and hands before you go to bed? And if so, are you some kind of robot?

Homsar (2)

Strong Bad: “Hi Strong Bad, if you hate Homsar [sic] so much, why don't you kill him? From Vinnie C.” You know what, Vinnie? You're right. I'll be right back. Strong Bad: Hey, Homsar! Homsar: Uhdyeah, what ees eht, Stwong Baaaaayaad?

Butt IQ (3)

“Dear Mr. Bad, how do you know if someone's butt is stupid? I mean, is there like some kind of IQ test? Crapfully yours, Tyler.” Oh, come on Tyler! Don't you remember your algebra, man? It's called the Transitive Butt Property. And it clearly states that the stupidity of somebody's butt is greater than or equal to the stupidity of that person's head.

I she be (13)

“Hey my name is great looking girl strong bad! i she be your girlfriend.” [sic] Uh… Hey! My name is Strong Bad, great looking girl! I he be your boyfriend. Okay, seriously. All i gotta say about this is… GET IN LINE SISTER!!! I mean, do you know how many freakin emails I get like this a DAY? From ladies with proper grammar? I mean come on!

Tape-leg (19)

“Dear Strong Bad, my brothers are always telling me that your legs are made of tape, is that true? Nee-co-las.” [Nicholas] They said my legs were made of tape?! WHAT?! I mean, do I look like some kinda tape-leg? I can guarantee you, man, I am not a tape-leg.

Spring cleaning (20)

“Dear Strong Bad, How do you type with boxing gloves on? Mike, Bend Ora-gawn”. Oh, that's a new one. No way do I get this freaking question all the time. I suppose I'll probably answer it right now— DELETED!! “Dear Strong Bad, Are you made of crap? Did you invent the word crap? Where did the word crap come from? Crapfully crapfully, Chad”. Oh, I'll totally answer this one because apparently the only thing I'm concerned with is the word crap— DELETED!!

Cartoon (21)

Too much of a good thing is an awesome thing. But too much of an awesome thing is... umm... really, really dumb and bad.

Bird (24)

Psssshhh! The Double Deuce!

Property of ones (39)

The colder it is, the more of a one it is. Because you don't want to end up with a Cold None. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

Vacation (40)

Hey, you guys! Just dropping you a line here from "The Great Mound". I got two words for ya: false advertising. There's nothing great about this mound, okay? I kinda miss you guys and your emails... I can almost hear one of them now: "Dear Stong Bad, You are crap. Crap is the best. Everybody loves crap. Crap is in the mix. Crap is to the max. How does Homestar pick stuff up if he's not wearing any Marzipants? Crapfully crap, Monkey D, Seattle, Washington." It was nothing but antique stores down there, like I couldn't find a single restaurant! I have a sneaking suspicion the people in Over There eat antiques.

Marzipan (59)

Marzipan: [singing] Oh yeah, oh yeah, and I really don't like him at all. Strong Bad: Do you don't not dislike not Strong Bad? Marzipan: Uh... I guess... Strong Bad: See! I told you you loved me!

Interview (62)

[imitating Homsar] DaAa! I was raised by a cup of coffee.

Crazy cartoon (72)

Crazy cartoons usually have titles that have nothing to do with the cartoon itself. You know, like... “Sweet Cuppin' Cakes”! I don't think it deserved a trophy. I don't even think it deserved a pizza! Maybe a pizza trophy.

The process (79)

Show you the process, eh, Em? Sure, I can do dat, but I should warn you, it may spoil the magic for some of you out there. I strongly urge both the faint of heart and the faint of butt to leave the room at this time.

Stunt double (80)

Strong Bad (as Dangeresque): I'm gonna have to JUMP! Coach Z (as Renaldo): Sounds pretty dangerous. Strong Bad (as Dangerseque): No... sounds Dangeresque!

Caffeine (91)

Strong Bad: And coming in at number 91, it's: E-Maaaaaaaaaaail!!! “Dear Strong Bad, It must be really annoying living with someone as whiny as Strong Sad. Why don't you slip him some caffeine? Justin, Murfreesboro, Tekken [ TN ]” Oh-ho-ho-ho! Devilish laugh. Dear Justin, In addition to the cut of your jib, I likes the sound of your town. Murfreesboro. But we got the All-Wide Science Fair just around the corner and I've been straining for a project. So far alls I've come up with is the effects of gasoline… on fire. Strong Bad: In the final stages, subject became: Strong Bad: At this point, the test subject...was dead. [audience gasps] Strong Sad: [offscreen] I was not dead! Strong Bad: ...Shut up. And all of this data could only bring us to one conclusion: ...Strong Sad's adopted. [audience gasps] Strong Sad: [offscreen] That's not true either!

Kind of cool (92)

Strong Bad: I'd still probably be the coolest guy in the world, just a different kind of cool. More of a "I'm so cool, you don't even know I'm cool" kind of cool. Strong Sad: You basically described that creep Señor Cardgage that lived down the street from us when we were little. Strong Bad: What!? You didn't think Senor [sic] Cardgage was cool? Strong Sad: No! He was extremely sketchy and gave me nightmares. Strong Bad: And... What's not cool about giving you nightmares? Strong Sad: Oh, never mind. Go back to your creepy comb-over story.

The bet (95)

Strong Bad: So, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Let me get this uh-straight: You're betting me that you're cool. Homestar Runner: Yep, I'm cool. Strong Bad: And if you're not cool, you have to change your name to... Kevin DuBrow. But if you are cool, I gotta spend the night over at The King of Town's? Homestar Runner: That's the deal, man. The total deal. Strong Bad: You're goin' down, son. Homestar Runner: No ways. Strong Bad: All right! Let's see you be's cool. Homestar Runner: [Homestar puts on sunglasses] 'Sup? Strong Bad: Oh, crap!!

The bet (95)

King of Town: So here's all my foodstuffs. You want some Pork Snagglins? Or a can of Butter-da or anything? Strong Bad: King, I think that stuff's for automotive use only. King of Town: It's possible. King of Town: [advertising Butter-da] They tell me not to, but I still drinks [sic] it!

Monument (97)

Strong Bad: Yeah, there were big plans once. It was to be made of the finest materials. On a massive scale that would rival the Aztecs and their... techno-chocolate land. Strong Bad: Oh yeah, The Cheat. That totally looks like my right foot. It's got all the rightness of a foot without all the footdom of a right. Off-screen chorus: Here comes the Thnikkaman! Strong Bad: No way! Check it out The Cheat, it's the Thnikkaman! Hey, Thnikkaman! Bubs: [as “the Thnikkaman”] Hey, kid! Strong Bad: Can we have some? Bubs: Yeah, okay. Strong Bad: Thanks, Thnikkaman! [mumbles to The Cheat] Thanks, Thnikkaman. Bubs: Yeah, shut up, kid! Off-screen chorus: There goes the Thnikkaman! Strong Bad: I'd like to see you stay on task when you're starin' down the barrel of a loaded Thnikkaman.

Different town (99)

“Dear Strong Bad, I just wondering [sic], if you had a chance to make your town different, what would you do? Censorly [“Sincerley”], Steven, Wolksvagen [ WV ].” Pour hot soup in Homestar's eyes, eh, Steven? That sounds like a pretty good- wait... what'd your email say again?

Flashback (100)

Strong Bad: Oh, I got flashbacks alright, Jon. I'm like, Discount Flashback Warehouse over here. But this particular flashback has way too much historical significance to be shown in anything but WIDESCREEEEEEEEEEEEN. Left side: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAH! [screen expands to the left] Right side: WOOOOOAHH— [screen expands to the right, revealing Homestar Runner] Wha-uh, what are you doin' over there? Homestar Runner: Oh, I'm pretty much here every week. It's just that usually I'm behind the black. Strong Bad: Guess I should start... lookin' to the right more often. Homestar Runner: In fact, I think I might live here. Strong Bad: I don't think so. If you lived here, you'd have less non-broken bones. And more crushed spirits. Strong Bad: Everyone loves Strong Bad. He is an okay guy. Strong Bad: [narrating] One day Strong Bad was finishing up a game of tennis on the moon with his pal, the Coach Z. He won 1,000,000 to 3. Storybook Strong Bad: You see, 3 is clearly a smaller number than a mil

Car (101)

Oh, good one Kyle. Like I don't get two jillion of these emails every two jillion seconds. Er. Wait. Would that be so bad? Hmmm. I'll have to ask Gron Sad about that later on. Maybe write in to Popular Science about it. "Popular Science." No such thing, man. More like, "Nerdular Nerdence."

Haircut (103)

I DON’T WANT TO EAT A GUITAR!

Dangeresque 3 (106)

Strong Bad (as Dangerseque): Let's get one thing straight, meatball... face... butt: I work alone. 'Cept when I work with Renaldo... which is all the time. Homestar Runner (as Dangeresque Too): Oh yeah? Well, you need me because I'm the only one that knows where Perducci is, and where that is... is that he is... in... Istanbul.

Cheatday (107)

So, nobody knows exactly when The Cheat's Cheatday is, so we celebrate it on the only day we know for sure it isn't. And that's the date of birth on his fake I.D. Which says he's a 43-year-old Scandinavian miner named Ilko Skevüld. After breakfast, in honor of Ilko's heritage, we'll usually play some mining games, like... mining... and... coal…?

Replacement (105)

Looks like I'm gonna be checking e-mails and kicking Cheats 'til the day I die. Whoa, that'd make an awesome tattoo! Or an even better epitaph!

For kids (110)

Strong Bad: Okay, kids, we're gonna play "Where's The Cheat?". Can you say, "a-The Cheat"? Kids: [mumbling] THE CHEAT! Random kid: Christopher Columbus! Strong Bad: Not good enough. F minus minus. Strong Bad: All right, dumb children. Find The Cheat! Kids: He’s over there! Strong Bad: Um, no, he's behind the box. No, uh, he's not even behind the box, he's barely obscured by the box. Look, The Cheat is behind the freaking box!! HE'S BEHIND THE BOX! I'LL KILL YA!! I'LL KILL ALL YOUR DOGS!! Strong Bad: I've got two words for the children that are raised on that crap: HELD BACK. REPEATING THE THIRD GRADE. LOW STANDARDIZED TEST SCORES. I GUESS THIS WAS MORE THAN TWO WORDS.

The facts (114)

Strong Bad: He's like a big square, this guy [Strong Mad]. I don't really know if that has anything to do with why he doesn't have his own cartoon. But it's just weird, is all. Un... settling. I guess if he lived in Cubeland, it might work, but... Cubeland is a place I just made up, so... Homestar Runner: I want my own cartoon, Strong Bad. Strong Bad: What? I'm over here! Homestar Runner: Oh. [turns around] I want my own cartoon, Pom Pom. Strong Bad: Homestar, a cartoon starring you would be horrible. It'd just be you saying "Sewiously" [sic] all the time and acting like a moron... all the time. Homestar Runner: No, no! Not no more! I got a new catchphrase! Strong Bad: No. Homestar Runner: You wanna hear it? Strong Bad: No! Homestar Runner: I'd be all the time sayin' "That's bupkis!"

Time capsule (115)

Strong Bad: Rest assured, Shim-Sham Sam, my time capsule would reign supreme. Like your hot single Mom is gonna wanna date my time capsule. So, the key to a good time capsule is it being an actual capsule. None of these shoe boxes or tennis ball cans. No. Those things are called time boxes and time tennis ball cans. Those are different and lame and differently lame. And they always get dug up in about 4 days. Strong Bad: And I might as well spit in it, just in case they ever figure out how to make people… from spit. Ooh! Then I'd put some dry ice in there so when they open it up it looks all smoky and steamy and it says a-like froosh when they first open it. There'll be no doubt about my coolty. Stinkoman: Oh man, those first four hundred bites of dirt were not so good. Maybe the next one will be better. [finds Strong Bad’s time capsule] WHAAAT is this?! Some sort of a challenge buried in the GROUUUND?!

Animal (119)

The Lappy 486 weighs in at an extremely portable forty-two pounds and features an impressive battery life of one half of ten minutes. [I]f I was my own made up animal, I would probably like as [sic] the coolest made up animal ever made up. I would have all the cool animal options and accessories: Claws, Horns, Tusks, Tentacles, Power Doors, 15 Year Drivetrain Warranty, Proboscis, Segmented Eyes…

Radio (120)

[T]he first rule of thumb for all radio personalities is to look absolutely nothing like how they sound. College radio can pretty much be summed up in 5 words: Dead air, um, dead air.

Origins (123)

Strong Bad: Ugh! Why do you Van Peebles always wanna know the origins and histories of every freakin' little thing? Marzipan: [while being spraypainted by Strong Bad] To me, this is something that losers would do. Strong Bad: Man, did you guys see me refuse to take that guff? I flat out rejected it! That guff never even had a chance! Strong Bad: So ya see Claire, if it weren't for the Stick, and Marzipan's considerable resistance to death, the On Point Kings may never have stolen the King of Town's dunce cap and renamed it Lotionman! D-don't ask, it was Strong Mad's idea.

Secret recipes (124)

Strong Bad: Being from Africa, I'm sure you guys are used to eating, like, exotic fruits and nectars and, um, lions… so our recipes may seem a bit uncouth. Uncouth. Can something be just plain couth? I bet freakin' Strong Sad is plain couth. Strong Bad: Say there, Coach, would you like to try some of our free icèd-c-cream? It's got toasted coconut! Coach Z: How could I refuse? I can't afford the money-cost variety! [starts eating] Oooh! Sweet mercy! [keeps eating] This is orful! [sic] [still eating] Strong Bad: Aww, it's OK, Coach. You're the proud new eater of a healthy bowl of sour cream and The Cheat fur! Coach Z: Hoo! I think I'm going to puke my pants! Strong Bad: Ugh! Please don't elaborate on that. Coach Z: Naw, it's easy. I do it all the time! Here, let me show ya's! Strong Bad: AUGH! Homestar Runner: Hey, girlfriend, have you tried any of this free ice cream Strong Bad made? Marzipan: Homestar, didn't anyone tell you? That's, like, cottage cheese and The Cheat hair! Homestar R

Garage Sale (129)

Strong Bad: Lemme tell you a thing or two about garage sales: Ya ever get the feeling that the people just got lazy taking the trash out, so they stopped right there on the driveway and started putting price tags on things? I mean, isn't it just a little bit suspicious that there's only a one-letter difference between “garage sale” and “gar-BAHHJ sale”? Except, don't ever say “gar-BAHHJ” like that. That's, like, the only joke Moms have and they can keep it for all I care. Strong Bad: [Voiceover] First, there's the haggler, the guy who spends all day trying to talk you down from a quarter to twenty-two cents for some worthless piece of crap. Bubs: I'll give ya two thin dimes for this pantyhose doll. Strong Bad: First off... all... that is Aunt Gert. And secondly, she's worth way more than the quarter I'm asking for her! Heck, I paid six-fifty for her new. And them's 1998 dollars! Bubs: Well, maybe if she was wearing a troll outfit, or a witch's hat or somethin'... Strong Bad: I'll let i

Do over (130)

“Richie Z, Can-A-Duh” Wait, you're not related to Coach Z, are you, Richie? Or Coach Zed as you cah-nooks call him. Whoa, Coach Zed. That's way cooler. I'm gonna start calling him that too and maybe he won't suck so bad!

Modeling (132)

I can't wait to get those pictures back from the lab. I can totally see some of them being used in one of those glossy fashion magazines. Y'know, the kind that cost nine bucks and are 97% ads. Like maybe in an ad for those fancy leather shoes that you're supposed to wear without socks. WITHOUT SOCKS! Man! Can you imagine the luxury!

Bottom 10 (133)

Number Ten is easy: Dry T-Shirt Contests. You'll never find a more degrading contest or a larger waste of not water. Number Three is the ridiculous trend of giving chocolate desserts dangerous names. You know, like, Chocolardiac Arrest. Slumming in at Number Two are songs that try to pass off la la's, na na's, and doot do's as legit lyrics. As evidenced in Limozeen's bizarrely titled "Feed The Childrens." [a portion of the fictitious song is played, consisting of the described gibberish lyrics] Ugh, what were they thinking? More like, "We need to feed our children, so we made this terrible song."

Record book (134)

Strong Bad: All right, King o' Town, I need some disgusting eating records. Why don't you just, uh, have lunch, and I'm sure you'll set several without even trying. The King of Town: Ooh! I like eating lunch! Today I'm having a giant pile of salt! [Sucks up the salt] Strong Bad: Whoa! Nice woik! [sic] Strong Bad: What, you got-a some hiccups? The King of Town: [hiccup] Nope. Those, my friend, are heart attacks! Coach Z: Well, I'm gonna set the world record for puttin' nine pieces of chewed gum up on my face and singin' the "I'm Just Me" song and hoppin' around on one foot! Strong Bad: Coach... Oh, please stop! Look, you can't just make up some random crap that no one else will ever do and call that a record.

Space Program (138)

Strong Bad: Who doesn't have a space program these days? I mean, don't, like, the Italians have a space program? Narrator: SBASAF [Strong Badian Administration of Some Aluminum Foil] is a definitely-for-profit organization, dedicated to the manned taping of aluminum foil to cardboard. Narrator: Our mission objective: to accompany 15 earth dollars on a round trip journey to the closest reaches of space. While the muscular crew will age only a few hours, the cargo, according to our vague understanding of the theory of relativity, will have aged to an incredible one million dollars. Narrator: And who is good enough at video games to accept such a dangerous mission? Why, none other than beef bouillon-aire joyboy Space Captainface. First Lieuteneral Captainface knows the true key to success is to have as many hot '60s-looking girls in your filmstrips as possible.

High school (140)

Strong Bad: Now, I have an extremely unphotographic memory. So, I guess that'd be more like a drawing, or a doodle. Like a doodle memory. But I would hazard a guess that we were probably just like other cartoons were in high school, i.e. we were a team of super sleuths. Marzipan: Stampers! My long lost uncle's abandoned pie factory sure is mysterious. Strong Bad: Ah, there's no such thing as "mysterious". Homestar Runner: I don't want to take any chances. We should play in a band, just to be safe. Strong Bad: In, um, middle school we were a bunch of melon-headed babies with gigantic eyes and ENORMOUS imaginations. Baby Coach Z: I'm pretending I'm the craptain of the foortball torm! [sic] Baby Strong Bad: I'm pretending I'm playing better video games! Aw, man! That freakin' duck swallowed both my pixels! Baby Strong Sad: I'm pretending I'm not sitting next to The Diapersmith. Strong Bad: And going even unnecessarily further back, we were all a bunch of plucky parameciums living in Free

Secret identity (142)

Strong Bad: I got lots of secret identities. Lately, I've been using this one: Tip Tappers: Expensive Briefcase Carrier. I use Mr. Tappers when I'm on tour and I want to check into a hotel and not be bothered by legions of fans. Bubs: And what name will this room be under? Strong Bad: Uh, Tip Tappers, please. Unless some girl asks what room Strong Bad's in. And she's at least a seven out of ten. Or uh... six if she's naked.

Technology (143)

The word "technology"... means... "magic". It's basically anything that's really cool that you don't know how it works. And if it breaks, you have to buy a new one. And then there's the Lappy, which rules over technology with a 42 pound, allegedly portable fist. Watch as it magically saves this screen. The screen is saved, man. This thing's gonna last like 50 years!

Myths and legends (145)

Mysterious Myths or Legendary Legends? Isn't that a show on one of those channels up in the high hundreds? Ya know, like between the CG Dinosaur Channel and the Homes with Rollercoasters in Them Network?

Candy product (149)

Strong Bad: Why is it athletes are the only ones with their own candy bars? Shouldn't they have their own brand of, like, jockstrap or divorce lawyer instead? Marshie: [as a “gaseous cloud of marshmallow vapor”] YOU CAN’T DESTROY ME!

Alternate universe (150)

Strong Bad: Whoa! Where am I? Strong Badman: STINY! We have a visitor from an alternate universe! Strong Bad: It's Strong Badman! And his well drawn abs! But... why are we in a crappy apartment instead of a secret underground lair... filled with secret underground gadgets? Strong Badman: Because mere mortal... this apartment… IS RENT CONTROLLED! And... water's included. Strong Bad: Is that why all your faucets are running? Strong Bad: MU-HU-HA-HA-HAH! Those dimwits down at the public works won't know what hit them! Strong Badman: So, that's your evil plan? To waste water? Strong Bad: And not pay for it!!

Theme song (155)

Strong Bad: “Dear Super Bad, It bugs me how your email show doesn't have a theme song. If it did have a theme song, your show would be a whole lot cooler. Jonathan SHA-HEEEN! [Shaheen], Onté-rio, Kana-DAH.” Oooh, a little south of the border flavor. Dear Supper Bag, It bugs me how your face doesn't have a not tons of acne. If it did have a not tons of acne, you would be a whole lot cooler. Strong Bad: Theme songs are just an excuse for showmakers to make less show. Commercial narrator: Do you make butt at your current job? Do you want to make twice butt? A shady online degree is just four clicks away at CGNU online e-niversity. Most colleges take four years to complete. At CGNU, one year equals one click. Senor [sic] Cardgage: I got fourteen degrees while on my lunch take [sic]. Now I can legally prescribe marriages in the state of Kansattica. Commercial narrator: Enroll now, and join the e-niversity e-volution e-day. Uh, well, today. That last one didn't quite work out. Strong Bad: Yo

Road trip (156)

Every good road trip needs a good inside joke that only the people that went on the road trip will get. And your friends that didn't go on the road trip will want to... kill your... legs... every time you bring it up. [deliriously] Look at that little stain over there! That could be a whole 'nother world. With a whole 'nother Strong Bad and The Cheat stuck in a Gremlin.

Trading cards (157)

Strong Bad: Daniel, trading cards are the biggest waste of not a video game on the planet! In fact, I thought trading cards were outlawed the day they invented good graphics. As for that "gum" that comes with them, I'm pretty sure they replaced that with a pink piece of balsa wood back in the early '80s and nobody ever noticed. Strong Bad: First up is Coach Z's line of vaguely sportsish managerial cards. What self-respecting twelve-year-old doesn't want to collect pictures of the smelly old men behind their favorite sports teams? And who could resist memorizing all these fabulous stats? Ooh, a record high 23 butt pats in '84! Homestar Runner: And, who do you think was the lucky recipient of all those [wiggles his rear end] butt pats 'cept a one? Strong Bad: Let me guess, it— Homestar Runner: No, it was me. It was like I was made to hustle that season. Strong Bad: So, who got that last butt pat? Homestar Runner: Oh, I think he gave himself that one. He's re-known for his self-butt pats.

Coloring (160)

Strong Bad: “Dear awesome"… Oh! Somebody finally got it right! Strong Bad: Marzipan, what kind of cult are you running here? Marzipan: Oh, a pretty standard one. Marzipan: Anyway, we don't use the term "Skin Flesh". The color you're looking for is "Dermal Discoveries". Strong Bad: What's that scramble?! What about Lipstick Red? Marzipan: No, no, no. Too gender-specific. We use "Crimson Suggestion". Strong Bad: Well, how 'bout Hairspray Blond? Marzipan: "Vague Pigmentation"! Strong Bad: Leather Black? Marzipan: We just call that "Blue".

4 branches (161)

Rumble Red: But, Earthling, they don't have polymascotfoamalate on my planet. Eh, rumble. The Homestar Runner: That's 'cause you're a Communest [sic] fool, Red! Singers: Polymascotfoamalate! The Homestar Runner: Feed it to the babies. Singers: Polymascotfoamalate! Old-timey Strong Bad: Or as a topping on Soured Cream!

What i want [sic] (163)

Strong Bad: Our first item is a perennial all-star of bad awful Decemberween presents: the ornament. Marzipan: There's no better way to say, "I have no idea what your interests are" than to give someone a present that ceases to be useful the moment it's opened. Strong Bad: Our last gift items are all about the false notion that just because you made something yourself, it's not a worthless piece of crap. Marzipan: These seashells have office supplies hot-glued to them for absolutely no reason. Marzipan: This clothespin reindeer ornament is forgettably precious.

Looking old (164)

Strong Bad: “Dear Strong Bad, you really do look old, how old are you anyways? Your faithful fan, Andy, H-S-I-A-O [Hsiao] and sometimes Y, from Taiwan.” Look Andyman, my age is a closely guarded secret, protected by a sect of closely guarded monks high atop the Coches Mountains. They would no sooner dance with a goat than divulge my age. But they will bake you some crustly guarded bread! Anyways, whattaya mean I look old? Are you telling me the nightly nacho cheese masks aren't working? Strong Bad: Now what I need is an image overhaul. Something to reconnect me with the youth of today. Something that says— "Sup my young parsons [sic], I too am so on the go that I drink my yogurt from a tube". Bubs: We could try iStrong, or iBad... Strong Bad: We already tried that with lowercase "e"s back in the late '90s. We all know where that got us.

Rough copy (170)

Man, that kid was going to have so few pants on after we got done suing them off him. And now he's gonna strut around all on-panted waving his pant-covered legs in our faces. Our case is air-tight. Why stop at pants? We could probably sue that black zip-up hoodie off him now too!

More armies (172)

The drive... the power... the skills... the motivation... the power again... the fortitude... the strive... the ideals... the list of attributes... the Municipality. Honor. Valor. Buttor. [sic]

Mini-golf (174)

Strong Bad: “Someone no-one cares about in Iowa”, also known as “everyone, in Iowa”. Strong Bad: Strong Badia doesn't have a place of its own, so when we need to get our tiny golf on, we usually head over to Sweet Puttin' Cakes. And yes, it's every bit as messed up as the cartoon on which it's based. In fact, we don't even know how to get there. It's just like, one minute you're thinking about miniature golf... Strong Bad: You know what I love? The smell of that rubber handle on the putters, that you know like a thousand other... people… have… touuuuuuuuuuuuched… [audio slows to a crawl] Strong Bad: [voiceover] ...and the next minute, you're there. Strong Bad: [appears in Sweet Puttin’ Cakes] Woah! Strong Bad: And yes, even in this infernal place, you can't escape the blue family recreation water! That stuff's just begging for kids to either drink it or pee in it... or worse... both. Homestar Runner: [emerges from the “blue family recreation water”] Whoo! I didn't find my ball, but I d

Hygiene (176)

Fifth grade boys?! Man, what happened to the hot college girls that used to email me? You ladies stop your be-pantied pillowfighting and drop me a line! Hygiene is defined as "how close people are willing to stand next to you".

Bike thief (178)

“Hey Strong Bad, I'm at college and I need to keep my bike from being stolen. I figure if I think like a thief, I can figure out how to protect it. So, how would you try to steal my bike? Virginia, M.I.” Oh, not smart enough for MIT, huh? Just M.I.? That's how I'd do it, College Bike Owner. So keep away from shrubbery, don't talk to anyone with a clipboard, and avoid putting your bike on the roof of glass skyscrapers.

Slumber party (180)

Strong Bad: According to Coolguy's Law, the popularity of the host is inversely proportional to the amount of fun you can have at their house. Homestar Runner: What did you say the name of this family card game was again, Strong Bad? Strong Bad: This is called Find The Load Bearer. You never played this before? Homestar Runner: No. Find The Load Bearer, Bed Axe, I never heard of any of these games we're playing. Strong Bad: Whoa! Jackpot! Blood Bleeder, Head Chopper 2, Scab Wars, Blistergeist? Most of these things have been taken off the market! Homestar Runner: Oh. Those are off-limits. We're only allowed to play Clapping Party. Strong Bad: But if you're looking for a guaranteed good time, you need to get invited to an OLDER KID'S slumber party. Anything goes at those things! Bubs: My cousin Louis, he's dead. My cousin Harold, he's dead. Coach Z: And my back still hurts. And my knees still hurt. And my head still hurts. The King of Town: Government ain't right! Government ain't right!

Web comic (181)

[Webcomics are] all about video games, gamernerds, webgeeks, dorknerds, gamewads, nerdgames, webwebs, and elves. Another approach is to just ask for input from your viewers and rip that off for content. [turns around to face the camera] Pfff. What a cop-out. Borgorroth of Coolswordorroth shimmies for no man! Or if you can't draw, never fear, just steal some graphics from your favorite video game, and add yet another unlicensed pixel comic to the overcrowded, overstunk landfill of web comics. Everyone knows that putting “web” in front of words automatically makes them crappier. Just look what happened to “pages”, and “cams”, and “logs”. And who could forget the fall of the mighty “isode”. Ohh, so tragic.

Yes, wrestling (183)

Well, Gardenboy, as a crafty ring veteran, I can let you in on a little secret. Being an awesome wrestler has nothing to do with awesome wrestling moves! It’s all about awesome costumes, gimmicks, and dinosaur tranquilizer fueled ranting and raving. I got my first big break with cable access’ longest named wrestling organization, All World Mid-Pro Shirtless Championship Entertainment or AWMPSCE. Of course they wanted me to be one of those lame masked wrestlers at first, but I have gimmickier plans.

Diorama (184)

Dioramas shouldn't be wasted, Mollyman. This is probably the only school-approved opportunity to melt small plastic animals and shame our beloved literary characters that you're ever gonna get. I say embrace it! I say deface it!! Now let's talk about topics. If the assignment calls for a science diorama, just slap some glue on some cotton balls and bang! The effects of cumulonimbus clouds on sheep, snowmen, aaaand... cotton... balls. The easiest way to get around reading an actual book is to make one up yourself! I can't tell you how many dioramas I got out of The King Of Town's Adventures in Giant Cockroachland! Books one through seven. Though with the Internet, it's probably easier for teachers to check your sources than in my day. To get away with that now, you'd also have to make a fake website for the book, and the author, and the publisher, and just to be safe, maybe go ahead and actually write the book. Man, it’s gotten so hard to cheat these days!

Nightlife (185)

Strong Sad: Strong Bad, are you putting on body spray? Strong Bad: Shut up! Guys don't wear body spray. This is uh... the blood... of slain... warrior... mammoths.

Nightlife (185)

Strong Mad: [“reading” fast food bag] YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST! Strong Bad: The list?! You're looking at a greasy bag of fast food! Strong Mad: DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF! [laughs] Strong Bad: Wait, what? Strong Mad, did you just make a joke?!

Nightlife (185)

Marzipan: You don't look like you're having very much fun, Strong Sad. Strong Sad: Oh I'm having a great time. This is my favorite club to go to, and not dance. Sometimes I'll even think about dancing, and then not dance. And if I'm feeling really crazy, I'll actually get out on the dance floor, and bust some fresh not-dancing. Marzipan: Then how about I start busting some fresh not-hanging-out-with-you.

Nightlife (185)

Strong Bad: [voiceover] And at some point during the night, we all get "treated" to Coach Z attempting to freestyle. Coach Z: One two one two, 'bout to freestyle... One, two? One two? Strong Bad: [voiceover] I mean... count to two over and over again.

Winter pool (187)

Gel-Arshie: I'M AN ABOMINATION! And I'm comin' to your house after school! Strong Bad: [voiceover] Y'know, I really think those Marshie commercials ought to be rated NC-17. [caption appears in the top left corner, reading "NC-17, Needlessly Creepy times 17"]

Licensed (190)

Strong Bad: The true sign of being famous is in the unlicensed stuff! And we're all over that! In fact, we've got our own application process for becoming an officially licensed unlicensed seller of Strong Bad and The Cheat knock-offs. Strong Bad: The main requirements are that the country of manufacture has changed name five times since I was in seventh grade; that you sell your wares from a blanket; that you always refer to the selling of our items as "numba [sic] one bargain!"; and that one of us has to have a human nose. Strong Bad: Just as I suspected! Totally legit looking stuff! Where are the human noses? The misspellings? The choking hazards? Bubs: That's the kind of stuff I usually sell at the concession stand. This is the black market, man! Strong Bad: So, wait a minute. Your shady bootleg operation peddles quality goods, while your legal store front sells dangerous crap? Bubs: Exactly. I got a repatation to uphold!

Buried (191)

Strong Sad: I think that's just the cap of a bottle of Cold Ones Dry. You could probably just pick it up. Strong Bad: What, are you crazy? I'm not touching that thing! It's booby trapped! It'll shoot a bunch of poison-tipped witch doctors at me! Strong Bad: Quit ruining my ruins, Jurassic Dork! Bubs: [shows up with numerous barrels of toxic waste] Anyways, I'm here for my weekly, Ahem, "delivery". Strong Bad: Yeah, yeah, just bury it wherever. But if you uncover any ruins, or hot aliens, or riches, they're mine, OK? Bubs: Uh, what about fellas named Rich? Strong Bad: Wha-what? No, I don't know anyone named Rich. Bubs: OK, good. Then he can stay where he is. Strong Sad: Uh, is there anyway I can unhear the last few sentences? Or years of my life?

Rated (193)

The only thing better than R-rated movies are double and triple R-rated movies! Let me break down the subtle differences for you. In an R-rated movie, the good guy only blows people up in self-defense. But double R -rated movies are allowed to blur the line! Man, I saw this one double R-rated movie, where the good guy stepped on this rabbit, and he didn't kill it, but then later on in the movie, he wished he did! The GOOD GUY! That's messed up, man! You can't let kids watch that kind of thing! Then in triple R -rated movies, you can show bullets go all the way through people! In the front, through their guts and organs and breakfast and RIGHT OUT the BACK! That is nasty, man! Only three have ever been made: Women's Penitentiary Bakesale Nightmare, The Fists of Knuckles series, and Axe-Gun: Legends of the Brain-Outener. They even banned those movies in Transylvania, where you're required by law to eat puppies for breakfast. And even if a theater were showing it, which ours conveniently

Specially marked (194)

Well before you get the toys inside, you first have to navigate the treacherous, jaggedy rock filled class 5 rapids of specially marked cereal box fake outs! Luckily, I'm a lame sandal wearing hippie with a ponytail that's been down these rapids with groups of tourists many times! The first hazard to watch out for are cereals that include anything grown in Iowa in the name. You know— corn, wheat, oats, hogs, fundamentally-sound college basketball players. Please, stay away from these. Those cereals only ever put fitness-related crap in specially marked boxes. You know what kind of toys I'd put in specially marked boxes? […] Anything heavy and pointy enough to do lasting damage to the face.

Love poems (195)

Strong Bad: Did you know that writing love poems is as easy as telling a girl she's hot with the fance-pantsiest words you can think of? For poetic inspiration, I like to swipe the names of scented candle fragrances! “Your eyes, they flicker like a Sandalwood Sage Sunset. Your hair flows like Fresh Cotton Linens hung to dry on the deck. Grandma's Apple Cinnamon Spice is the scented candle I would use to describe your mouth. And your nose: like an unscented emergency candle for when the power goes out.” Strong Bad: Another way of fancying up a love poem is to replace random letters in the middle of words with apostrophes. "It is never ever over, my lover of clover" becomes "'Tis ne'er e'er o'er m'lo'er o' clo'er". Coach Z: [suddenly leans in] Now you're sporkin' my language! Strong Bad: Get out!

Hremail 3184 (201)

Strong Bad: Everybody knows that the more spit it takes to describe an explosion, the cooler said explosion was. And the cooler said explosion-talker-abouter is! Strong Sad: Well, you know, Announcerman, that's right! All you gophers out there better listen up! The Magnificent Marzipan stole all Gardenboy's garden tools! And I don't care if she's the women's champion, men's champion, the half-woman half-man's champion, bu- Do we have one of those? Announcerman: Er, yes, I believe we do. Strong Sad: Well, can I fight them instead?

Imaginary (202)

“Dear. Streer. Beer. My brother had a friend over today and he drove me crazy!! What should I do about it? Crudfully, Henry Wisner, why?” “Crudfully”? Really? What, was your mom sitting over your shoulder when you typed this email? And is your mom the kind of lady that won't let you type the word “crap”? Don't get me wrong, I still woulda made fun of you if you had typed “crapfully”, I prolly would have just left your moms out of it.

Independent (203)

Strong Bad: Independent films are called that for a reason: they are independent of anything good. Strong Sad: I minored in holding on wide shots for too long! Strong Bad: [An indie film director will] spend his 30-million dollar budget trying as hard as he can to make it look like he only spent a few hundred thousand. The first step is to spend millions on a hand-drawn title sequence that looks like it was made by some Junior High kid during Pre-Algebra. Strong Bad: The title of the movie is either two of the cleverly named main characters, or the city and state in which it takes place. Ooh, in fact, just call it "city, comma, state". Strong Bad: an indie film's plot is pretty much the same as any summer blockbuster, but just switch out any mention of the word "space" with the word, "small factory town", replace "aliens" with "quirky, dysfunctional family", And replace "voyage" with... "journey".

Videography (205)

Hopefully that will be enough to keep your wife from wondering why her video media technologist husband wasn't smart enough to think of putting a video camera on a tripod across the room and press record. But you could probably also get away with just putting a label that says "WEDDIN [sic] TAPE" on a VHS cassette since none-out-of-none couples actually ever watch their wedding video. Unless of course a baby drops an f-bomb, somebody pukes in their toupee, or Grandmaw Auntpaw rolls down the stairs in her wheelchair. In which case you simply post it online and turn it into internet gold! And I can definitely arrange for some of that stuff to happen at your wedding, if you enlist my services as an "event coordinator."

The next april fool’s thing (208)

Strong Bad: “Sincerely, Mollie B.” Oh, that is a waste of a perfectly good middle "B" initial, Mollie! Lemme fix that for ya! “Sincerely, Mollie B. Chowdwerworth Gruelmanger”. You know, of the Puntington Farms Gruelmangers. Strong Bad: For motivation, I do what any great coach does, and berate myself until I get results or until I quit the team and press charges! Strong Bad: Chowderworth Gruelmanger?! You call that an overly-complicated old-timey last name?! That is bush-league, son! I am sick and tired of this crap! And I'm sick of losing to Purdue! Homestar Runner: Always be'sing and do'sing! And never cheesing or choosing! Always be'sing and do'sing! Strong Bad: Er... Homestar? Homestar Runner: And never cheesing or choosing! Strong Bad: Homestar! Homestar Runner: Yeah, what? Strong Bad: You're in my house. Homestar Runner: Yup. Strong Bad: Again. Homestar Runner: Yeppers. Strong Bad: : Aaand you brought a boulder. Homestar Runner: Not me. Plate tectonics. Strong Bad: What are you d

Parenting (209)

And so Mike Morkleson— I-I don't know if that's your last name but you just seem like a real Morkleson —thus ended my brief foray into the soirée of fatherhood. I've distilled it all down into 3 main points, so you can remember: Number one: Babies are totally boring for the first nine months. Give to Grandma. 2. Keep a drawer full of useless keys and TV remotes for some reason. And number 3. That much ballyhooed 'new baby smell' people are always talking about, it just smells like crap! Babies just smell like crap! You just get used to it!! Don't let 'em fool you! It's not a good smell! BABIES SMELL LIKE CRAAAAAAAP!

Robots (210)

Strong Bad: Now follow him and learn what their robot world domination plans are so we can copy 'em! The Cheat: [The Cheat noises] Strong Bad: Of course they want to take over the world! Why else would robots be having a secret council meeting? The Cheat: [The Cheat noises] Strong Bad: Oh. I suppose a firmware upgrade is a possibility. If it is, then take this floppy and download it.

Teen Girl Squad

[Repeated line] SOOOOO GOOD!

Issue 1

ARROWED!!!

Issue 3

So and So: Before we shop, how about some PAN-ASIAN CUISINE? The Ugly One: Three spring rolls, please. Chef: MSG'D!! The Ugly One: Ow! My stomach lining!

Issue 4

What’s Her Face: When you fall in a bottomless pit, you die of starvation. Narrator: [in a sinister tone as possums approach] Possummmms...

Issue 5

The Ugly One: [thinking] I hope nobody cool or famous is staring at me. George Washington: Look, look at that girl. So and So: She's my friend, but not my best. [beat] Now who wants to tandem parasail with me? George Washington: Woot. Abe Lincoln: Woot. Henry Rollins: Woot.

Issue 7

Toddler What’s her Face: I can count to G! Toddler Cheerleader: That's nothing. I can count to purple backwards! Toddler What’s her Face: Here comes Tompkins. Tompkins: Listen up, you undapants! Who wants to get hogtied, and pushed down, into, some snakewater? Tompkins: Heck, I'm taller than you. The girls: TOMPKINS MADE A SWEAR!!! Tompkins: Waaaahh! Toddler What’s her Face: Tompkins crinkled when he walked. Toddler So and So: Poor guy never made it out of training pants.

Issue 9

Cheerleader: Okay, my art galleries, let's get ready to be... The girls: SOOOOO DEAD!

Issue 10

The Ugly One: So... who wants to come to my sweet someteen birthday bash tonight? What’s Her Face: Is it going to be Nick at Nite themed again? So and So: I don't think I can stomach another show not on the WB. Cheerleader: No! We can't come. We have... the... Olympics... tonight! The Ugly One: Oh, cuz it's a boy/girl party... Cheerleader and So and So: a B'GRL PRTY?!? What’s Her Face: Taking the vowels out of words doesn't always make them cool. So and So: 'm srry. Narrator: Puh-owned! Or however you say that... Strong Sad: [after catching Strong Bad making out with a picture of The Ugly One] Uh, Strong Bad, were you just first-basin' it with that piece of loose-leaf?!

Issue 12

Cheerleader: [to So and So] Shut yer plaid skirted face! Here comes a boy! The Ugly One: Owww! My the fact that I was alive a second ago! So and So: I'll notify her next of... uh... fruit cup. [to fruit cup] I'm so sorry to have to tell you this... Cheerleader: Stop talking to fruit! Valentimes [sic] is serious times! So and So: -tines. Cheerleader: What? So and So: Valen-TINES!! T-I-N— [So and So is run over by a formula 1 car driven by a fork] Cheerleader: As I was saying, Vamlumtime's [sic] Day is serious times.

Issue 13

Momkins: Listen, I'll be at a place until a time, my cell phone number is some numbers, the baby needs stuff, what’s poison control? Punch Tompkins in the gut, good luck. SHE GONE! So and So: [Holding up a book called "<s>urban legends</s> i mean health class" [sic]] Don't you remember health class?! YOU’LL MICROWAVE THE BABY!!

Issue 15

Cheerleader: Oh my grash, gals! Guess who just got a date for the priggidy prizom?! What’s Her Face: I'm a little rusty on my white girl gangsta. Does that mean you're dating a pretty prism? So and So: No no, that's the name of this year's prom. Japanese Culture Greg: Come on Chizuko, we're too cool for the prom anyway. Chizuko: Welcome, American investor, to 2005 Consumer Robotics Show! Sci-fi Greg: You'd think I'd be into life-size, realistic robots, but that thing makes me wanna barf up my earlier energy drink into the one I'm currently drinking. Narrator: UNCANNY VALLEY'D! Japanese Culture Greg: THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE!

Version 2.0

Uh, yes, hello there Mrs. Pan. This is, uh, Detective Everybody down here at the station. And um, and we got your boyfriend Homestar down here and, uh, he's dead. Beca— we killed him, because he was so stupid that we had to shoot him, to keep h-him from being even more stupid. So if you wanna come down and I.D. the body, there's not much left... we put about 37 slugs in him, eh-and things don't look too good. Uh, so if you could come down we would appreciate it, right now, um, to come look at your dead boyfriend. [cracking up] Okay, have a good day.

Version 17.2

Strong Bad: Oh dang! Oh dang muffins! Oh dang muffins pie! OH DANG MUFFINS PIE À LA MODE! This is gonna be the best April Fools' Day prank call ever! Now you're sure the science is sound? The battle axes and Cheez Wheezes will actually get through the phone lines? The Cheat: [gibberish] Strong Bad: Oh... fiber optics... makes sense, makes sense... Homestar Runner: Oh, man, Marzipan! Have you heard about the new internet craze, planking? It is gonna be around forever, and I'm gonna be doing it forever! Etched into the halls of history! Strong Bad: [smoothly] Good afternoon, Mrs. Pan. This is Vince Napmaker from public radio's "The World is my Butt". We wanted to call you to thank you for being a continued supporter of public radio. But we wanted to ask you if you'd be willing to increase your support. Every dollar counts. Do you have any idea how much it costs to act like you're this much better than everyone else? And furthermore, our uppity podcasts aren't going to create themselves.

FriendlyWare

All right, let's see, what else we got? "Eye & Hearing Test"? How'd they sneak that one onto the top menu? That should definitely be between, like, the Amortaninazation Calculator and like, Edgar's Checkbook Balance Blasta.

World Games

"Enter your name." I gotta go with the number one world athletic champion, Loadpast. "Loadpast pick your country!" I see the very current nations of U.S.S.R. and West Germany. Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Nice wipeout! I did, like six 360s! That's like a... six-thrixty! [Playing the “Bull Riding” minigame] Whoa, palette swap! That is jarring. [twangy accent] In Texas, we only see things in the taco seasoning spectrum. Who needs CMYK when you can have... GMCJ? That's guacamole, mole, cayenne and jalapeño.

Strongest Man in the World

Everybody loves the me! I'm a terrific athlete!

The Homestar Runner Gets Something Stuck in his Craw

Strong Bad: [narrating a picture book] Strong Bad and his The Cheat rolled up and started talking smack. [in awkward monotone] "You look dumb and stuff! Doing yardwork is only for the loseriest of losers!" Strong Bad: "Ha ha ha ha! That guy is talking to a thing that's not a person!" cackled Strong Bad with sort of a nose. Homestar Runner: Bravo, Strong Bad. You simply must read one more. Strong Bad: Ohh, fine, fine. So I shall. How about The Strong Sad Wets Yonder Bed? Strong Sad: [leans in] There is no such kids' book!

The Best Decemberween Ever

Strong Bad: Okay, let's see what we got from Homestar here... Homestar Runner: Open it! Open it! That one's from me. It took me forever to pick it out! Strong Bad: What?! The Deep Impact DVD?! You got me this for like the last three years, man! Homestar Runner: I know! And you liked it so much, I decided to get it for you again! Strong Bad: Oh, man! This is the worst Decem— Homestar Runner: This is the best Decemberween ever!

Flash is Dead!

Strong Bad: Now listen. I've got enough classic motion tweens and deprecated actions in ol' F-Sack here to last us at least six months until we can learn HTML5. Homestar Runner: Ooh, I know what that stands for! Hyper-Text Markup Lotion! [holds up lotion] Let me poop a little bit out for you. Thbbt thbbt thbbt. Strong Bad: Nope, nope, nope, the land of ten-thousand nopes. Strong Bad: Homestar, the death of Flash is equivalent to a giant meteor heading straight for the Earth! Homestar Runner: Oohhh, I got you. Sounds like somebody's asking for another heaping helping of... Deep Impact! Strong Bad, this is Morgan Shawshank, I need you to hit that meteor with every Duvall you've got. Strong Bad: Never mind. I'll be in Bubs' fallout shelter if anybody needs me. Good luck with yourself, Homestar. Homestar Runner: I don't want to miss a thing! Strong Bad: Wrong movie. Homestar Runner: Wait, those were two different movies? But they both came out, like, the same summer even.

Bug in Mouth Disease

TV narrator: And that's why come [sic] Shakespeare was so awesome. Strong Sad: Oh! I see now. Strong Bad: Hey, Dairy Queen. Strong Sad: I already told you, I don't want to be called that any more! I made a mistake! Strong Bad: Oh, sorry, Dairy Queen. Anyways, look. I just thought you should know that all your underwears somehow ended up individually priced and labeled in an online auction. Strong Sad: Nobody buy the blue ones! [vacates the couch and runs out] Strong Bad: That was too easy. Now to settle down for the 24-hour Caleb Rentpayer marathon! Tuxworth: [on TV] Caleb, were you making a little tent out of my jacket? Caleb: [on TV] I am now! Strong Bad: Yeah, you make that little tent, Caleb! He's not the boss of you! Bubs: I've got terrible, terrible news, Homestar. Homestar Runner: Oh, no! Is it about the good times? Bubs: I'm afraid you've got no pancreas. But I do happen to have a fresh one for sale right here! Homestar Runner: Bubs, are you an unethical quack? Bubs: The most q

Sickly Sam's Big Outing

Announcer: Listen up, short children! It's the Fluffy Puff Air-Puffed Sugar Delights Presents The Homestar Runner Progrum [sic]! In a color! The Homestar Runner: Now let's get you dressed to the five and three-quarterses. [puts a bow tie on Sickly Sam] Sickly Sam: I do believe you've spicked my span. Sickly Sam: [observing a hole in the boardwalk] What a pleasant hole. I can't say 'nough good things about this hole. Old-Timey Strong Bad: Curses, you bone-legged boob! I'll pump you generously full of lead, shot at high velocity out of my pistola so as to pierce the flesh! Or in your case, the burlap sack! [Sickly Sam grabs him and begins swallowing him, very slowly] Rrrah! I can't believe I'm being eaten! What a tragedy! I was supposed to sell you to the glue factory and whatnot! I can't believe I'm still being eaten! This is taking so much longer than I expected! Old-Timey Strong Bad: [after being eaten] Curses! All they've got in here is Parcheesi! Can't a gentle-man [sic] at least ge

Mr. Shmallow

Mr. Shmallow: Each delight is hand puffed with a blend of only the finest airs. Air-puffing is surely the future of eating delicious foodstuffs. Mr. Shmallow: Add open flames to create a flavor taste that will send you to the moon! Mr. Shmallow: Look lively. LOOK LIVELY! The Homestar Runner: [watching Shmallow on TV] That monster's gonna give me nightmares.

That a Ghost

The Homestar Runner: Guess what I read in the news-papper [sic] today. Old-Timey Marzipan: I can't guess. The Homestar Runner: I read that a ghost. Old-Timey Marzipan: You read that a ghost what? The Homestar Runner: I read that a ghost is. Old-Timey Marzipan: You read that a ghost is what? The Homestar Runner: I read that a ghost is here in town and there's a 27 cent ree-ward for its capture. Old-Timey Strong Bad: Says here in the news-papper [sic] that the encapturement of the new apparition garners top reward of 26 and one pennies. We could buy the monocle off Rockefeller's very eyeball with that kind of cash! Old-Timey Strong Bad: You're too late! The reward will be ours! I'll be marching around in gold pants in no time! Old-Timey Marzipan: : Where's the ghost? Old-Timey Strong Bad: Behold! The fantoustic [sic] phantasm. The Homestar Runner: That's no ghost. That's just our worst friend Sickly Sam. Sickly Sam: I bury myself alive on Tuesdays. Old-Timey Strong Bad: Criminy crickets!

Meet Marshie

Marshie: Stuff some in your pockets for SEEECRET EATING!!! Marshie: Now try new Fluffy Puff All-Marshmallow Mayonnaise. [in a bizarre, creepy high-pitched whisper] Made from the be-e-e-st stuuuuuff~ Homestar Runner: I hate that freakin' marshmallow.

Malloween Commercial

Marshie: [crying backstage] WHAT MORE DO THEY WANT?! Strong Bad: I thought you said you were the star of this one. Homestar Runner: Oh, right. I made that up. But I did get to keep this cool eyeball. Seeeee! Seeee! Strong Bad: What are you doing!? Homestar Runner: Isn't that the sound that um... eyeballs make?

Strong Bad is a Bad Guy

Strong Mad: A GLOWY BOX! A GLOWY BOX! Strong Bad: A glowy box? Are you sure that's what you'd get for your tattoo? Strong Mad: : IT'S PERSONAL! Homestar Runner: Hey guys! H'whatcha teekenbot [sic]? Strong Bad: We're talking about something cool and interesting. You wouldn't understand. Homestar Runner: Oh, tattoos, huh?

The House That Gave Sucky Tricks

Strong Mad: THIS HALLOWEEN'S NOT WORKING! Strong Bad: Boy, you said it, Strong Mad. This is the lamest haunted house ever. My pants haven't entertained the thought of peeing themselves even once. Homestar Runner: Scary shoes! Strong Bad: Really? Spooky shoes? Homestar Runner: No, no. Scary shoes. Spooky shoes are the next room. Strong Bad: Homestar, your haunted house is even worse than normal this year. You ever think of using any actual Halloween decorations? Homestar Runner: No, Marzipan only let me use stuff from the Goodwill donations pile. Incomplete jigsaw puzzle! [throws it towards them, scaring The Cheat] Strong Bad: This place is a disgrace to haunted houses, haunted hovels, haunted timeshares, and haunted extended stay motels even. Strong Bad: Then there would be... the gross out room. But instead of severed limbs, and surgeries gone wrong, it's just a silent white room filled with pure stench. And, oh, ho, ho. What a stench it is! Let me lay it on you like a movie trailer:

Halloween Hijinks

Coach Z: Aaah... I'm getting too old for hijinks. And the last time I attempted even medium jinks, I t'rew out my torn rubdominal scrimmage. Commercial narrator: If you've suffered a torn rubdominal scrimmage, Halloween jinx don't need to be a thing of the past. Coach Z: They don't? Night Watchman Coach Z: Slow night at City Hall, eh, fellow night watchman? Night Watchman Bubs: That establishes our location and humdrum routine. Teenage Homestar: Stand down, local law enforcement; group of random teens is here. Night Watchman Bubs: When we rushed in here, the mysterious silhouette had vanished.

Toikey TV

The King of Town: Hello! I'ma King-a Town, here with an important message about Thanksgiving safety! Specifically, the dangers of not frying a turkey! Each year thousands of families suffer from not fried turkeys. So please, this Thanksgiving, “don't be a jerky, fry that turkey!” Marzipan: All right, all you turkey liberators out there. Here's how we make Marzipan's Famous Thanksgiving Faux-ducken. Now stuff millet inside of bulgur, inside of meatless veggie nuggets, inside of tempeh, injected into bean curd, wrapped in fakin bacon, and baked inside a pair of hemp toddler pants. Bubs: Attention, holiday shoppers! Bubs Friday starts Thursday! Doors open at 2 AM! Shoving and trampling starts promptly at 2:05, followed by tear gas and riot police at 2:15. Come on, moms! You know you want to beat each other up over some stupid kids' toy! And if you draw blood, you just might make it onto this year's edition of Mommy Fights!

The Homestar Runner Enters the Spooky Woods

Strong Bad: Everybody loves The Homestar Runner. He is an athletic terrife. Storybook Homestar Runner: Oh no! I gave up the ghost! Storybook Strong Sad: You'll stay that way unless you enter the spooky woods and face your 3 fears before the witching hour! Strong Bad: [narrating] Quothed Lord High Plotlayer. Storybook Homestar Runner: I, gulp, guess, gulpo, I'm on, gulpamundo, my own, Gulp Fantasy 2000. Strong Bad: [narrating] Tedioused The Homestar Runner at great risk to the listenability of the story. Storybook Strong Bad: All types of drat! Strong Bad: [narrating] Said Strong Bad, coining an awesome new phrase that will endure throughout the ages. Storybook Strong Bad: All types of drat! Strong Bad: [narrating] Repeated Strong Bad, flirting with oversaturating the market with his new phrase too soon. Storybook Homestar Runner: OH NO!! My final fear!! A half-decomposed raccoon being carried around by a family of wet pigeons!! [cut to a disgustingly detailed illustration of just that]

Where My Hat Is At? (toon)

Homestar Runner: If there's two things I know about the Homestar Runner, it's that everybody loves the him and he's a terrific athlete. Marzipan: Hey, where's your hat, Homestar? Homestar Runner: : I'm sorry, I couldn't understand what you just said. Marzipan: I said, "Where's your hat?" Homestar Runner: Yeah, you're not even speaking English at this point. Marzipan: [sighs] I mean, where your hat is at, Homestar? Coach Z: Well, it's like I always say. A man's uniform is like a temple, wherein he keeps his… uniform when he's not using it. Homestar Runner: Um, are you suggesting that my hat is inside my hat? Coach Z: No, I'm suggesting that— Homestar Runner: Well good, 'cause I already looked and it's not there. Homestar Runner: I found my hat just in time to score the winning run. Umpire: Uh, no, actually it's the bottom of the second, your team's down by 94 points, and you just illegally ran onto the field! Homestar Runner: Get this, it was between the milk and the Cold Ones! Umpire:

Homestarloween Party

Homestar Runner: Umm... okay! Once, there was this green gobliiiin... and um, he used to... look aroooound... And um, I guess he did a daaance. Oh man, that was terrible. Bubs: And... the goblin, he had a Gremlin! And he jacked it up on some fat tires, and uh, and he tuned it up on some 4.11 positrak out back, 750 double pumper, Edelbrock intake, bore over 30, 11-to-1 pop-up pistons turbo jets 390 horsepower! I mean, he had some freakin' muscle!

The Luau

Strong Bad: Oh man you guys, this party's gonna be crazy-go-nuts! Homestar Runner: Uh-oh. You didn't get it from behind the gazebo, did you? Strong Bad: Yeah, why? Homestar Runner: Well, it all started when I decided to drink 32 glasses of melonade...

Fish Eye Lens

Coach Z: Strong Bad! Strong Bad, wake up! Strong Bad: Ah graibes... ...Blackthorne... bougleibes... Coach Z: The people need your help! Strong Bad: Wait, the who? Coach Z: I mean the pyorple!— Strong Bad: There you go! Coach Z: They need your help! It's been too long since they had a number one jam. They been scrapin' dope rhymes up off the kitchen floor, just to survive! Strong Bad: Another number one jam? All right, I'll do it. ...For the pyorple. Strong Bad: Things are about to get... BULBOUS. Strong Bad: Man, fisheye lens, I bet you could make even lame stuff look cool! Coach Z: Yeah, yeah! Strong Bad: What about tax papers? Coach Z: Oh, look at how cool those papes look! How about a pair of tan paaaaants?! Strong Bad: Ooooh! Somebody say country dish towel?!

A Folky Tale

Strong Sad: Coach Z, ropes are for dopes. Coach Z: What's that jargle? Scripture? You quotin' Scripture? Strong Sad: No, it's a quote from Saddy Dumpington, the legendary folk hero I made up. Coach Z: Sounds kinda like a terlet [sic] if ya ask me.

2022 Costume Pack Available

Homestar Runner: Hey, Pom Pom, I really like your Twinkie the Kid ate too many Twinkies as a kid costume! King of Town: More like, I hanker for a hunka cheese council propaganda! Strong Bad: Strong Mad, how come both your costumes in this cartoon gotta be like, medically naked? Strong Bad: Alright, Homestar, let's get this over with. Just say the line. Homestar Runner: Ahem... It's just a fwesh wound. Strong Bad: Did you say "Fresh wound"? Homestar Runner: No, I said “fwesh wound”. Strong Bad: Yeah, that's not the right quote, “it's just a flesh wound”. Homestar Runner: Yeah yeah, that's what I said,”fwesh wound” Homestar Runner: You mean like, medically naked? Strong Bad: No, just say the expression! "In the flesh". Homestar Runner: Okay. In person. Strong Bad: King of Town, are you simultaneously the Quaker Oats guy and Wilford Brimley? King of Town: Wilford Brimley was the Quaker Oats guy! Strong Bad: Yeah, but he didn't dress like a Quaker, he just was like, the pitchman, standing

Which Ween Costumes?

Strong Bad: Uh, why does this feel... weird? Homestar Runner: What are you talking about? We stand around in the snow dressed in Decemberween-themed costumes every year. It's our thing! It's what we do! Strong Bad: Are you sure? I think we may have gotten our... "weens" crossed. Strong Sad: Can you please never say that again?

On Break

Coach Z: Well, hey there, fellow mascot! I didn't know you was the smokin' type! Strong Bad: Shh! I'm not! But Bubs only gives me one of each kind of break. I've already used pee, coffee, and maternity leave today. And this is a white crayon. Homestar Runner: What is up, my fellow sweat factories? Homestar Runner: Man, what is that smell? Strong Bad: Uh, Homestar, we're three grown men working in mascot costumes in the dead of summer! What isn't that smell?

Strong Bad is in Jail Cartoon

Once we get our hands on Bubs's fundraiser candy bars, our troubles will be over! We can retire, maybe get a little place in Strong Badia, I dunno. All right, remember the drill: go straight for the crispy crackly ones. Don't waste your time on them plain ol' chocolates. Those things are fool's gold!

The Homestar Runner Goes For The Gold

Homestar Runner: Oh, man, Strong Bad. You're not gonna believe this thing! Wait 'till you see this thing! This thing is gonna change your life! Blow your mind! Wipe your nose! Strong Bad: Then shut the dang up and let's see it already! Homestar Runner: Okay. Okay. Um... It's, um... It's right... Um... Strong Bad: Homestar, did you ramble on so long that you forgot what you were gonna show me? Homestar Runner: Um, no. And furthermore, no. It was this... squeakburger! [squeezes it] Burger burger! Homestar Runner: "The Homestar Runner and the Bathyscaphe: A Lurid Tale of Underwater Intrigue and Underwater Pants". Strong Bad: Uh, maybe I should read it. "The Homestar Runner and the Brothers Strong". A.K.A. "Homestar Runner Goes for the Gold". A.K.A. "old glue turns gross and brown if you let it sit for 20 years". Strong Bad: Wait, what? You get a freakin' submarine and all’s I get is a fish crammed through my head? Homestar Runner: Yeah, you know, standard collegiate swimming rules. Very s

A Decemberween Pageant

Bubs (as Dr. Christmas): Archibald! We've got to find the first Decemberween! Strong Bad (as Archibald): I'll search down by the docks. Bubs: [whispering] What? Strong Bad: The docks. I'll search down by the docks. Bubs: [whispering] Ooh. I thought you said ducks. [normally] Good thinking! I'll come with ya. Bubs/Dr. Christmas: We'll need fifty bags of jold! I mean, gold! Fifty bag of golds [sic]. Homestar Runner (as The King of Town): I just can't do it, Dr. Christmas. Famine has ruined all the town's gold. Strong Bad/Archibald: How unfortunate! Oh, what a terrible fate has bestowed with me... uh, become to me... There's a squid. Marzipan (as the Angel): I'll never forget you, Popular Vote! Not in a million years! [The Cheat cries] Don't cry. Popular Votes aren't supposed to cry! You might rust. [audience laughs] Strong Bad/Archibald: [singing] Everyone's searching, looking and searching... Marzipan/the Angel: [singing] And everyone's hanging around! Bubs/Dr. Christmas: [singing] And

Front Facing/The Name Of This Cartoon Would Ruin It/Front-Facing Homestar

We're not selling snowballs, The Cheat. We're selling destiny!

The System is Down

Homestar Runner: Ummmm... what's going on here? What happened to my website? Strong Bad: The system is down, yo. Homestar Runner: Ohh... the system... Right, right. Strong Bad: Yeah, I think too many people tried to log on. Uh... sorry about that. Homestar Runner: What are you sorry for? It's my website. Strong Bad: Um... I don't think they're coming to see you, Homestar. Homestar Runner: What, you think everybody's logging on to watch "tape-leg"? Yeah, that's a good one. Strong Bad: Hey, shut up! The tape-leg is cool.

Pumpkin Carve-nival

Homestar Runner: All right, Coach, whadaya got for me? Coach Z: Check it out, yo! Homestar Runner: Cool, a W. What's that supposed to stand for? “Witches' brew”? Coach Z: No, no, no, it stands for tha Wu-Tang! Homestar Runner: Coach Z, are you a poser? Coach Z: Nah, man, I'm down. Homestar Runner: “Down” with second to last place. Homestar Runner: Whatcha got here, Marzipan? Marzipan: I didn't want to kill mine, so I just left it on the vine. Homestar Runner: What for? So you could, like, use it in a witches' brew or something? Marzipan: Um, I don't know what that means. Anyway, I wrote a song about it: “I left it on the vine, I left it on the line”, I mean, “I left it on—“ Homestar Runner: Not necessary! Last place! Ding! Marzipan: Homestar, I'm breaking up with you. Homestar Runner: Hey Strong Bad. So, um, are you supposed to be the Green Hornet? Strong Bad: What?! No! Homestar Runner: Oh, right, right, you're supposed to be the um, the witches' brew. Strong Bad: No! I'm the bee! Lik

Decemberween Short Shorts

Strong Bad: Dear Tube Socks, It's me again. I hope you had a good year. Free of athletes' feet and toe jams. Lemme cut to the chase. On Decemberween morning, when I open you guys up, you're going to hear...things. Hurtful things. Unforgivable things. Things like, [groans], and, “Oh, maaan!”, and “This present of tube socks totally sucks and I hate it!” Don't you believe a word of it, Tube Socks. I love you guys. I don't know what I'd do without my yearly pair. But a guy's gotta keep up appearances, right? If peoples found out I have a soft spot for tube socks, it'd be all over. It took me years to live down that Martina Navratilova poster, and I will not go down that road again. We can be secret friends. Like that hunchback kid at school. In closing, please disregard any and all negative comments or negative burning you may hear or experience on Decemberween. Stealthily Yours, Strong Bad. Rumble Red: Earthling, explain to me this pile of rotten rodentia...rumble. The Homestar Runner: I

Coach Z’s 110%

Strong Sad: Sports and practice! Sports and practice! Oh, hash potatoes! I'll never be the number-one pick! Homestar Runner: Hustle for sports! Coach Z: My whole deal's backed up by actual scientific findings— and this rotating computer graphic, so you know it's legit! Reporter: Homestar Runner, you just won the sports, how you diddat? Homestar Runner: Well, we just brought our “A” game, you know? Everybody stepped it up out there, and then we stayed within ourselves, and decided that it would be a good strategy to try and score more points than our opponents within the allotted time. [holds up Coach Z's video] Thanks, Coach Z's 110% Hustle for Sports Instructional Video!

Hremail 62

First up on our tour, is this brellow crown! [sic] And what a rich history it has! It dates all the way back to this one time. My brellow crown [sic] is instrumental in the drawing of buttered toast, not quite hornets, and the sun, with a 'fro.

Decemberweenvent Calendar

Strong Bad: I can't look at it right now, I told you! The Cheat: [The Cheat noises] Strong Bad: A football is wearing my pants! The Cheat: [The Cheat noises] Strong Bad: I don't know, The Cheat! The Cheat: [The Cheat noises] Strong Bad: Yes, I am also wearing them! That's what's freakin' me out! Homestar Runner: I got a good feeling about this one, Strong Bad. Strong Bad: Great. And now I have a bad feeling about this one.

Homestar Runner Distraction Pack for Walkabout Mini-Golf Teaser

Strong Bad: All right, Bubs, you sure these shady black market VR headsets are fully cracked? Bubs: Not anymore! That's what all the duct tape's for! Strong Bad: No, I mean so we can play pirated games on 'em! Homestar Runner: Ooh, I love pirate games. I wanna play pirate games, vampire games, werewolf games, all the munster [sic] food groups! Strong Bad: No, I'm not talking about pirates, Homestar. Homestar Runner: Oh, I can talk like a pirate! Aouu! Aouu! Strong Bad: Are you trying to say "Arrr"? Coach Z: I can help with that! Oarr! Oarrrr! I'm a poirate! [sic] Homestar Runner: Oh yeah! Pirates always have poirots. [sic] [using a paper bag puppet] "Ka-caw! Polly want a cracker!" Strong Bad: All right! Everybody shut up forever! Strong Bad: Can we please just log on? Or jack in? Or... cyber-prance... into VR? Strong Bad: I can't wait to play all the most violent video games. I heard everybody explodes twice in VR! One in each eyeball!