Quotes

Others

Joe Wenteworth: Okay, you grabbed her boobs, and you pulled her into the manger. Big deal. It could've happened to anybody. Well, maybe not anybody. Joe Wenteworth: [At Simon's bed in the hospital] Jesus, Simon, you look like shit. Rebecca Wenteworth: Do your thing, Simon! Show 'em how it's done! Miss Leavey: Help. Please. I'm gonna strangle him. I swear to God I'm gonna strangle that little granite mouse if it's the last thing I do.

Dialogue

Joe Wenteworth: Come on. We're late. Simon Birch: No, you're late. I'm just riding with you.

Dialogue

Simon Birch: Not so fast. Slow down. I'm a miracle, you know. Joe Wenteworth: Yeah, yeah.

Dialogue

Simon Birch: I was just thinking. Joe Wenteworth: Yeah? Simon Birch: Last year we played in the Squirt League, right? Joe Wenteworth: Uh-huh. Simon Birch: And this year we're in the Peewees. Joe Wenteworth: So? Simon Birch: Do they want us to play baseball or urinate? [silence] Anyway, I was just thinking.

Dialogue

Simon Birch: Your mother has the best breasts of all the mothers. Joe Wenteworth: [trying to ignore] Yeah. Simon Birch: And she smells the best too. Joe Wenteworh: I know. Simon Birch: She's so sexy that sometimes I forget she's someone's mother. Joe Wenteworth: Okay. Okay. Simon Birch: I was just being honest. Joe Wenteworth: Well, what if I said the same thing about your mother? Simon Birch: I'd have you committed.

Dialogue

Simon Birch: Your problem is that you have no faith. Joe Wenteworth: I got faith. I just need proof to back it up.

Dialogue

Grandmother Wenteworth: That child is positively unnatural. Hilde: Most peculiar. Grandmother Wenteworth: And his voice, like-- Hilde: A mouse. Grandmother Wenteworth: More than one. Like mice. Hilde: Strangled mice. Grandmother Wenteworth: [laughing] Strangled mice. Very good, Hilde.

Dialogue

Rev. Russell: I'd like to take a few minutes to discuss some of the upcoming activities on the church calendar. Simon Birch: Here we go. Ben Goodrich: [Quietly] What's wrong, Simon? Simon Birch: Who knows what God thinks about current events? Rev. Russell: Does someone have a question? Ben Goodrich: Uh, no, sir - um, your honor, no,...Father, thank you. No, sir. Rev. Russell: It's always nice to see new faces in the congregation. I'd like to invite them downstairs to join my wife and children, and myself for coffee and doughnuts downstairs after the service. Simon Birch: What does coffee and doughnuts have to do with God? Grandmother Wenteworth: [Quietly] Simon, you better be quiet! Rev. Russell: Simon, is there something you'd like to share with us? Simon Birch: I said, "What does coffee and doughnuts have to do with God?" Rev. Russell: They're merely refreshments so people can socialize and, uh, and discuss the upcoming activities. Simon Birch: Who ever said the church needs a contin

Dialogue

Rev. Russell: Simon, what do you think you're doing sitting in a corner? Simon Birch: Thinking about God. Rev. Russell: In a corner? Simon Birch: Faith is not in a floor plan.

Dialogue

Miss Leavey: Didn't your mother ever tell you to keep quiet during mass? What am I saying? Of course she didn't. Your parents don't go to church, do they, Simon? That's because they don't belong here, Simon. And neither do you. Speaking out of turn, disrupting the class, saying that God has a special plan for you? What kind of nonsense is that? Rebecca Wenteworth: [Furiously bursts into the classroom, having heard the whole thing] And what kind of nonsense is this?! Miss Leavey: Hello, Rebecca... Rebecca Wenteworth: Come on, Simon. Miss Leavey: No, wait, I was teaching him a lesson! Rebecca: What lessons? Humiliation? Joe Wenteworth: Oh, man! This is so boss! Simon Birch: This is all my fault. Joe Wenteworth: Don't take all the credit, she's my mom. Miss Leavey: ...telling the other children that he's some kind of hero, that he's God's instrument! Rebecca Wenteworth: And who's to say he isn't? Joe Wenteworth: Who do you think would win in a fight? Simon Birch: Tough say. Miss Leavey's

Dialogue

Joe Wenteworth: What is it? Simon Birch: [Upon seeing a dog] Ah! It's a horse.

Dialogue

Joe Wentworth: C'mon Si, all the girls think your cute. Simon Birch: They think I'm cute like a baby turtle. Girls don't kiss baby turtles.

Dialogue

Miss Leavey: Okay, is everybody ready for dress rehearsal? Simon Birch: No. Miss Leavey: What now, Simon? Simon Birch: [Points to the turtledove costumes, which look like winged mutant turtles] What are those? Miss Leavey: They're turtledoves. Simon Birch: They look like they're from outer space! The audience won't know what they are! Miss Leavey: They're doves, Simon! The audience knows what a dove is! Simon Birch: They're giant doves! They're as big as half a donkey. They're actually kind of frightening.

Dialogue

Simon Birch: Does God have a plan for us? Rev. Russell: I like to think He does. Simon Birch: -Me too. I think God made me the way I am for a reason. Rev. Russell: Well, I'm glad that, um, that your faith, uh, helps you deal with your, um...you know, your, your condition. Simon Birch: That's not what I mean. I think I'm God's instrument - that He's gonna use me to carry out His plan.

Dialogue

Rev. Russell: Congratulations, Simon. You've just made our first full-contact Christmas pageant. Well, do you have anything to say? Simon Birch: Can I have my baseball cards back? Rev. Russell: No, you may not! [Sighs, recomposes himself] Oh, Simon. What happened to tonight? Simon Birch: I don't know. Sex makes people crazy. Rev. Russell: Well, um... that maybe true. But that is still no answer. Simon, you spend more time downstairs alone in a corner than you do with the other children. You frighten them with your stories of being an instrument of God. Simon Birch: They're not stories. Rev. Russell: And, you interrupt my sermons, and you refuse to apologize. I'm out of ideas, Simon. I can't talk to your parents because, well, they don't attend church. And I can't talk to Rebecca, because, well...Simon, I think what I'm trying to say is, well, we all need a break from you. So, once this all simmers down, and Marjorie Albright's father decides to accept your apology, we'll discuss lettin

Dialogue

Mr. Birch: Simon's sick. Joe Wenteworth: I know. Mr. Birch: So was I when I heard what he did last night. The whole town's talkin' about it. What a little screw-up. Joe Wenteworth: Hey, your son is not a screw-up. He's a hero. Mr. Birch: What the hell are you talkin' about? Joe Wenteworth: I said he's a hero. And you don't deserve him. I want you to know that.

Dialogue

Adult Joe Wenteworth: [Presses his hand against Simon's tombstone] Into paradise...may the angels lead you. Simon Wenteworth: Dad. Dad! I'd love to stand around in the graveyard all day, but I got a game. Remember? Adult Joe Wenteworth: Okay, Simon. I'm coming. You know, I was just thinking about that. Last year, you played in the squirt league, right? Simon Wenteworth: Yeah. Adult Joe Wenteworth: This year, it's Pee-Wee. Simon Wenteworth: So? Adult Joe Wenteworth: So what do they want you to do? Play soccer, or urinate? [Sees that Simon doesn't get it] Anyway, I was just thinking.