Quotes

Mark Makes A Friend [1.4]

Mark likes Israel, I'm Palestine. Makes it much more interesting if you pick sides.

Mark Makes A Friend [1.4]

You passed out after the love beans... thought the table was being ironic.

Mark Makes A Friend [1.4]

(Floss is boss, Floss is boss). FLOSS IS BOSS! FLOSS IS BOSS!.

Mark Makes A Friend [1.4]

(This is the worst thing to happen to anybody ever.)

Mark Makes A Friend [1.4]

(Good old unfriendly Mr. Patel. Never says a word whether you're buying corn flakes, fabric softener... or gay porn.)

Mark Makes A Friend [1.4]

We're going to have parties that go beyond fun and actually get a bit nasty.

Jeremy Makes It [2.2]

Relax Mark, everyone does drugs nowadays. "Look at Me, I'm Mark. I'm dying on a street in an Advert in the 80s."

Local Hero [2.3]

Nancy: Why don't they ever talk about all the buses that made it safely? Mark: Yes, I suppose the news should just be a dispassionate list of all the events that have occurred the world over during the day, that'd be good - except it would take forever.

Local Hero [2.3]

I can take a joke as well as anyone, but if it happens again I'm taking it to a fucking industrial tribunal

Local Hero [2.3]

(Come on, smile - you don't know I've got an ulterior motive for doing this.)

Local Hero [2.3]

(She probably has really nice kidneys. Yeah, I'd fuck those kidneys real good.)

The Man Show [2.5]

You do realise I'm bored, Mark? I'm dangerously bored. Today I even considered doing that thing that that MP and Michael Hutchence did. You know. [Mimes putting a rope around his neck and masturbating]

The Man Show [2.5]

(I have entered the abyss. I've bought a house in the abyss. I'm getting my post forwarded to the abyss.)

The Man Show [2.5]

(Yep, civilization is definitely doomed.)

Shrooming [3.3]

Jez: Oh Suze, it's not scary; you just lose your sense of who you are and all that shit. Big Suze: Will I still be able to play the piano? Jez: Of course! Suze, they're mushrooms; they're completely natural! Nothing natural ever hurt anybody, that's a scientific fact.

Shrooming [3.3]

If people only did everything they wanted everyone would just spend all day sitting on the carpet watching the poker channel, wanking and eating those expensive German biscuits. Probably.

Shrooming [3.3]

Listen love, just a little tip alright? You're on the edge now and you need to pick the right way. One way's heaven, and the other... well... probably best not to think about that right now... but it's fuckin' 'orrible, yeah?

Shrooming [3.3]

Jez: You da man! Mark: I'm a man! Jez: It's you da man. Mark: Whatever, Jeremy, let's not quibble. I'm a man!

Shrooming [3.3]

(Shit. We're so angry together. The righteous indignation of the common man! Maybe we can start a union... The Woodworkers and General Persons Union.)

Shrooming [3.3]

(Maybe we'll become best mates and he'll train me up to be a carpenter like Jesus. And if I get crucified, he'll start a religion in my name. Jeremism. 'I'm a Jeremist.' Nice.)

Shrooming [3.3]

(It's not like I'm going to rape him. I could rape him... I'm not going to rape him.)

Shrooming [3.3]

Jez: I'm going to get us both really high and then try to put my hand up her jumper. Mark: That's your plan is it?

Shrooming [3.3]

(This is the last friendship I have that's not backed up by a legally enforceable document.)

Shrooming [3.3]

Mark: [knocking on the locked bedroom door] Open up! Open up, you bloody arsehole! Jez: Mark, I'm sorry, but can you please keep down the banging? Mark: You bloody - I can't believe you! Jez: Look, please, be quiet, okay? Mark: [shaking the door handle] Let me out! Let me out I need a poo! Jez: [slips a takeaway bag under the door] Do your business in there if you have to. God, you're disgusting. Mark: (Oh God. Can I do this? If I do this, even if I end up marrying Sophie and we live in a detached house in Surrey and we buy a holiday home in Umbria, our children will always look up at the face of a man who once crapped in a takeaway bag. Plus... I'd have to hide it here, somewhere in my room next to one of my things. I could throw it out the window. No, that's what they want you to do. That's where society's headed. People shitting in bags and throwing it out the window at each other. Well, I'm not going to be the first. Not in my name!)

Shrooming [3.3]

Ooh yeah. These are the good times, love; after the initial nausea passes, but before the grinding comedown. Lovely.

Shrooming [3.3]

Johnson: Is that... normal pooing you're doing? Mark: Yep, oh yeah. Johnson: Doesn't sound normal... Doesn't smell normal. Mark: It is, honestly. Johnson: This is bollocks, Mark! You know the credo: illness equals weakness. You're off the team!

Shrooming [3.3]

So this is my big evening, is it? Me, tripping my nuts off, watching you do endless pooing.

Sistering [3.4]

Nothing means anything to you, does it? Friendship, loyalty - they're just fusty old words like sixpence and codpiece to you, aren't they?

Sistering [3.4]

(Looking at porn is like lying to Parliament. It used to be wrong but now it's all a big laugh.)

Sistering [3.4]

(Oh my God. I've fallen in love with her. Of course. Brilliant. How incredibly predictable. What a total fucking dope.)

Sistering [3.4]

(He's gonna get cancer and I'm not. I don't want him to but obviously one of us is going to get it and I'd rather it was him.)

Sistering [3.4]

Mark: Promise me you will not try to sleep with her. Jez: I promise I will try not to sleep with her.

Sistering [3.4]

Mark: So. You slept with her. You promised. Jez: I promised to try not to. Mark: Yeah, well you didn't try very hard did you. Jez: Mark, I tried incredibly hard. It just turns out it was literally impossible not to.

Sistering [3.4]

(How can Mark be in love with Big Suze? It's like Swaziland trying to invade China - it's a bloody political joke.)

Sistering [3.4]

(They're rubbing it in my face. It's like I've got his member in my face.)

Sistering [3.4]

(Great. Okay, so I've 'dumped' my sister. That's great. That feels good. I'm intrigued to see what I'm gonna do next. Maybe I'll ring up Grandad, and tell him I think he's a boring twat.)

Sistering [3.4]

[Whilst jogging] (Hey! Wow, I'm actually good at this. Maybe I'm a natural - yeah, I'm a jogger! Of course, there had to be a sport for me, I just never realised. Legs like two great steam locomotives, pumping away, I'm unstoppable - JESUS, is that a stitch? Fuck, I'm gonna be sick, I need to walk. Oh, I think I'm gonna puke, I'm literally going to die, ugh, what an idiotic boob I was back ten or eleven seconds ago.)

Jurying [3.5]

Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers.

Jurying [3.5]

It's probably some young black kid who's been accused of stealing a bun, and I'm going to set him free.

Jurying [3.5]

No smoke without fire? Is that what 1000 years of British Judicial Law has come down to? No smoke without fire?!

Jurying [3.5]

Oh that is typical. "Jeremy can't be trusted to judge the woman he's sleeping with but ... Tony Blair can?"

Jurying [3.5]

Jez: Look Mark, I'm a musician, in case you'd forgotten. Yeah? I answer to a higher law. The law of "if it feels good, do it". Mark: Oh, that's a great law isn't it? What's that, Gaddafi's law? Jez: It's the musician's law. Colonel Gaddafi could not lay down a bass hook, Mark. That should be clear even to you!

Jurying [3.5]

It's like I'm trapped in a giant Aero!

Quantocking [3.6]

(Oh great, she posted the guide book. I suppose I'm supposed to think that's incredibly charming and French. Well it's not, it's a waste of £8.99.)

Quantocking [3.6]

(She's looking for company after a minute of uncomfortable silence. Well, get used to it, baby. There'll be a lot more where that came from when we're married.)

Quantocking [3.6]

(Why won't that stupid bitch let me propose to her?)

Quantocking [3.6]

Mark: We're not going to be two of those idiots you hear about who go up a mountain in Flip Flops and Sombreros and have to be rescued. Jeremy: Would you rather be one of those idiots they find frozen to death, drinking his own piss while badgers chew on his corpse?

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

She’s good for me, Jez. She’s dragging me into the twenty-first century with its meaningless logos and ironic veneration of tyrants. It’s all good, my friend.

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

Jeremy: I've got loads of really important stuff to do this weekend. Mark: Jeremy, a carton of Mars Bar Milk, a small bag of marijuana, and a pirated DVD of Anchorman are not important things.

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

Jeremy: But what's Blair going to do? Super Hans: Maybe he'll become an ethical porn star. Jeremy: Or maybe he'll form a political supergroup. Blair, Bono on vocals, Clinton on sax. Super Hans: Yeah, that's definitely going to happen. Geldof's gonna shit.

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

Sophie's mother: Oh, you grew a beard. Makes you look handsome, like a policeman. Mark: Thank you. You're obviously very attractive, too. (Ugh! What am I going to do next? Tell her she's got lovely tits?)

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

(Goodbye beard. Hello familiar stupid face)

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

(I'm a motherfucker! That's literally what I am!)

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

You don't just declare war, Jeremy. You prime the press, you square things with the UN, you make up your reasons.

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

(It's almost like a moral decision, but not really 'cause nobody will find out.)

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

(Well, this isn't what I expected. You think you're going to play Simpsons Monopoly, and you end up an arsonist.)

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

(I'm a firestarter! A twisted firestarter!)

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

Well... I did see him throw a petrol bomb, but I thought it might just have been a joke.

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

This zip... there's no pocket to this zip! (So that's the way it is? Let's just put a zip here, a swastika there. Who knows what these things once stood for? Who the hell even cares?)

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

[To Sophie's father] He can't hear... Can you, you big fox-hunting, badger baiting, tweed-shirt bumfuck homophobe?

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

Mark: She's not out of Hollyoaks, Jeremy, she probably had a ration book! Oh you're a piece of work aren't you? I'm down the pub putting the hours in with the dad, and you're back at the house banging the mum! That is not a good impression! Jez: I dunno, I think I made a pretty good impression. Mark: Jeremy, please, don't smile like that. You're not James Bond, you're disgusting. Jez: (I am James Bond.)

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

(Of course he's not allowed to shoot. He's Mark Chapman in the making and I'm very much a 21st century Lennon)

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

(He doesn't have anyone to talk to. He spends all day with the trees and animals. This is what happens when you live too far away from franchised coffee outlets)

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

(Ugh, "sir". This isn't Tennessee, Mark)

Sophie's Parents [4.1]

(I barely have anything to say to my best friend, what am I going to talk to a fully grown man about all evening?)

Conference [4.2]

Tonight should be a free-fire idea zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I'm serious. Fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What? You think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?

Conference [4.2]

In business, Jeremy, you learn that every man has his price, and I judge yours to be... £530.

Conference [4.2]

Big Suze: Sounds like you want to pimp me out. Jez: Pimp me out. Pimp my ride. There's a new climate.

Conference [4.2]

(God! I only asked her to be a hooker. It's not like I wanted her to work in telesales.)

Conference [4.2]

Four?... Oh... Yeah. (Jesus. I've had sex with more men than that, and I basically only sleep with women.)

Conference [4.2]

(This is almost definitely a terrible idea, but I won't know for certain until I've actually done it...[Jez and Sophie kiss]... No I was right, that was a terrible idea. That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done in my entire life... Although... Maybe actually screwing each other will kind of make it weirdly better.)

Conference [4.2]

Is it something to do with history? Have they stopped history books? Oh. That's horrible, who sent you that? Let's have a look. Shit.

Gym [4.3]

(observing a vandal) (Jesus, what's that man doing? I should do something. If decent people like me do nothing, then what? Then they'll come for the trade unionists- although that, to be honest, wouldn't really bother me too much)

Handyman [4.4]

(What should I say? Anything that doesn't mention wanking over your memory for the last twenty years would be good.)

Holiday [4.5]

The whole world isn't Zoo Magazine, Jeremy. People don't just go around wanting it the whole time.

Wedding [4.6]

(Arsehole! Yep, nice insult. Clean, clear and insulting.)

Wedding [4.6]

Jez: Let me piss in that prayer bucket. Mark: Prayer bucket?... [looking round] There's no such thing as... that's just a bucket. Jez: Okay, I'm gonna creep up to the bucket... Mark: No no no, you can't move! Jez: What am I gonna do then? I can't hold on! Mark: If you really can't hold it in, then you'll just have to... piss yourself. Jez: ...you're telling me to piss myself? Mark: Yes, if you've got to go, piss yourself. Jez: Is this what it's come to? Mark: Yes, and do it quietly! Jez: Great! And what shall I do after I piss myself? Fuck myself? Eat myself? You're such a... [he has begun to urinate] Mark: You're doing it already. Jez: Yes, I'm doing it already! I'm so pathetic, that as soon as you ordered me to piss myself I started the procedure. This is what you've done, you've ground down my sense of self-worth over the years; I hope you're proud! Mark: When are you going to stop? Jez: Not for a bit. Mark: Stop, Jeremy. S-Stop it, it's- it's going down the cracks. Jez: I can't sto

Wedding [4.6]

Priest: ...but first I'm required to ask anyone present who knows the reason why these persons may not lawfully marry to declare it now. Mark: (Oh please, someone save me! Jeremy? Spacemen?!) Priest: The vows you are about to take are to be made in the name of God, who is Judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts... Mark: (He's ladelling it on now. Is that in the proper thing or has he just added that to needle me?) Mark: (Oh great, now she's crying. I probably look like a wife beater. It's not fair! I'm unhappy too!) Priest: Will you take Sophie Hortensia Chapman... Mark: ("Hortensia"? Oh, this is a fucking disaster. Look at me! I'm one of those men women read about in their magazines!) Priest: ...and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, as long as you both shall live? Mark: I will. (That's it. I've ruined it! I've ruined my life! You only get one life, and I've ruined mine.) Priest: [to Sophie] ...as long as you both shall live? Mark: (Please don't say "I will".) Soph

Wedding [4.6]

Mark: Come on Soph, you... you're worried about the caterers, aren't you? Not everyone will go for the tuna. Sophie: I just feel terrible, I feel like I've been shot in the stomach. Mark: Don't say that, Sophs! It's done now, we... we're over the hump. Sophie: The hump! Our wedding the hump. [to driver] Stop the car! I just want to go and scrub it all out! Mark: It's not that easy Soph, that - that was the Church of England marriage service, not applying for a Nectar card Sophie: Whatever - divorce, annullment, I - I can't - this isn't what I want! [gets out of the car] He's horrible! I- [breaks down completely] Mark: (That's it. I'm alone. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up in my bed alone. Unless... I hire a prostitute. Just for the night. Kind of like a wedding present?) Jez: [from outside] You okay, man? Mark: Me? Yeah, good... no... feeling pretty good. Jez: Do you want some... company? Mark: That'd be nice. Mark: You know you really do smell quite strongly of piss. Jez: Yes, and your

Burgling [5.1]

(Great, it's me protecting civilization again while Jeremy has sex! If this was the war, I'd be getting shot by Rommel while he was in Paris getting a blowjob from a Nazi!)

Jeremy's Broke [5.3]

Jez: Limits? What Limits? Mark: No making a pie out of tea or anything weird. Jez: Look Mark, lay off, will you? The thing is... and, I keep meaning to tell you this, but, basically, a few years ago, mummy gave me a nest egg, and I kept on meaning to... invest, but it turns out, I've spent it.

Jeremy's Broke [5.3]

I just want to assure you that I am not the same as the rest of these feckless cumshedders. So if you ever need anyone for a private donation...you've got my details. (Urgh, bit creepy, the spermy atmosphere is cramping my style. Right, time to open my sticky bank account. Hey, where's the porn? No porn? Am I supposed to just dry hump myself? Must be something I could use. [pulls out a £20 note] Would it be wrong? Why not? It's a free country.)

Jeremy's Manager [5.5]

(Well, err, I have been out with women...so I guess...) (Wow, I've got a date! I'm a real piece of shit! I bet those two things go hand-in-hand. I bet if I got into defrauding pensioners, the pussy would really start rolling in.)

Jeremy's Manager [5.5]

(God, I can't believe I'm dating someone I really like. I've done it right! I've done it right for once!)

Jeremy's Manager [5.5]

(Oh God. He's in a raft drifting towards Niagara Falls, flicking through Heat magazine with one hand down his trousers.)

Jeremy's Manager [5.5]

Jeremy: We'd be selling our souls. Super Hans: Well, we'd be selling our souls to Jesus. Isn't he the best person to sell your soul to? It's his whole setup.

Jeremy's Manager [5.5]

Jeremy: She's trying to shaft me, Mark! You've gotta dump her, it's a no-brainer. Mark: It is not a no-brainer. I'll have to think about it. It's a brainer. It's a real brainer. See the thing is, I don't think I've ever done sex right before. Mark: Cally's teaching me, she's giving me second-by-second detailed instructions of what to put where for how long

Jeremy's Manager [5.5]

Jeremy: So, did Cally tell you about her and me...much? Mark: No, no, God no. Don't worry, nothing like that. (She stopped him in the middle! I'll save that for a rainy day! That's money in the bank!)

Jeremy's Manager [5.5]

(Christian security guard? What's he gonna do, excommunicate me?)

Jeremy in Love [6.3]

I've sold out. A little bit of me has died. But, you know what? A lot of me doesn't give a shit.

The Party [6.5]

Dobby: Hey Mark!! Mark: Hi Dobbs. I just happened to be passing. I remember you were saying if I happened to be passing.. (Two buses here, three buses home. Five convenient buses.)

The Party [6.5]

Mark: Oh God, I can't believe I'm having a party! Jez: I am so proud of you. There was everyone thinking you were just this fusty, sweater-wearing, spirit-crushing no-fly-zone with ten foot carrot up his ass. Mark: Yeah, obviously it is only a tactical party. I'm only having a party to eventually get sex. Jez: This is only reason anyone in recorded history has had a party Mark! Mark: (Oh god this could be a disaster. I want a night of edgy banter and tipsy indiscretions, he wants us all lying around in our pants flinging shit at each other.) Jez: Big of you, inviting him. Mark: I thought it would look petty and vindictive not to, and as a petty and vindictive individual I have to take extra care not to appear petty or vindictive. Jez: Oh god, Elena. Mark: .... Jez: This is not all my chickens coming home to roost, Mark, all right? Don't stand there thinking it is. Mark: I'm not Jez. (This is all his chickens coming home to roost. It's a roost-a-thon.) Big Suze: Mark - there's something

Das Boot [6.6]

(He'll never be a lad. Boy to geek to drone. That's the Corrigan trajectory.)

Das Boot [6.6]

Mark: (I'll stick with my high-fat foods which will eventually kill me, and my play which is obviously never gonna happen.) Jez: (This would be so much easier if she wasn't a person with hopes and dreams and grasping clinging arms.) Mark: (It's great being a wedding guest. You get to be an unpaid extra in the climactic scene of someone else's rom-com.) Mark: (Hate mail? In person?!)

St Hospitals [7.1]

Mark: (He brings the insufferable music and then leaves. He's like the 1980s.) Jez: We need to get you some answers. Is he going to pull through? You need to know. (I need to know. Right now I'm the supporting character in a weepy when I want to be the leading man in a porno.)

Man Jam [7.2]

Mark: (Is this a bit like stalking? Stalking is a very loaded term, I prefer to think of it as extreme liking.) Gerard: Dobby's got a boyfriend. Mark: Oh, God. Really? Gerard: His name's Simon and he's younger, slimmer, better-looking and more fashionable than us. Mark: (Us? I'm several social ranks your senior, that's the whole basis of our relationship, Gerard.) So, what's he like? Gerard: Graphic designer. Mark: Oh, please! "Hello, can I redesign your logo? Yes, that'll be a £100,000 for a squiggle." (Wish I was a graphic designer.) Gerard: And he drives an Audi. Mark: But of course, Vorsprung Dick Technik! (Wish I had an Audi.) Jez: (Oh, no milk. Not black tea, I'm not some kind of monster!) Mark: Hold on. I didn't think we had any milk. Jez: Er... no, we do. Mark: No, we definitely don't, cos I couldn't have any Sultana Bran this morning. There's no milk in the fridge, except... oh! Jez: Mark, relax. Mark: This is Sophie's milk, isn't it? Jez: Think of it as lady milk, from the hu

A Beautiful Mind [7.3]

Jez: Zara says we have only one thing to fear, and that's fear itself... it's a clever saying, isn't it? Mark: And what about losing all your money? Or shitting yourself in public? Or the tabloid press mistakingly outing you as a paedo? Or Alzheimer's? Or all of those things plus you're drowning? Jez: Christ, Mark. You really need to grow a pair. Mark: Of testicles? Jez: Yes. Mark: You want me to grow a pair of testicles so I'd have four testicles and somehow that'll help make me braver and better to deal with stress? Staggering around like a baboon with four balls hanging down? Super Hans: Jez, you need to come and get me. Jez: What's up? Super Hans: I've accidentally run to Windsor. Mark: [Watching Jeremy try to read Wuthering Heights] (Fascinating. It's like watching a sheep try to use an iPhone.) Zahra: We thought we'd let you start, as its you place. Jez: (We're letting you castrate yourself, as its your penknife.) Mark: I'm just off to Dobby's, and I don't think I'll be needing t

Nether Zone [7.4]

Jez: Why do they have these brushes anyway? Who wants brushed post? Mark: Jeremy, do you think we could take a brief time-out from the masturbate-athon that is your life, to go to my son's christening? Jez: We need to relax. Mark: You can't relax! We've got to fight, worry, speculate, tut, pace, swear! Jez: Why? Mark: Because it's an emergency, and in an emergency you watch breaking news and count your tins of butter beans, you don't sit in the garden and put on Kiss FM! Jez: Dude, we're here for the duration. Let's chill out. Mark: We have an obligation to be anxious, it's a mark of respect for the gravity of the situation! Mark: Right, what's Sophie's mobile number? 07700, that's definitely how it starts... Jez: You can do it, Rain Man. Mark: 07700... 900563? I think that's right. It's ringing, it's ringing! Hello? Mark: It's not her, it was a man. Jez: Try again. Try all the variations. Mark: Try all the variations of the five or six numbers I'm not sure of?

Seasonal Beatings [7.5]

Mark: Where's the turkey, Jeremy? Jez: What? Mark: The turkey, where's the turkey? Jez: I thought you were getting the turkey. Mark: You what...? No turkey?! YOU FUCKING IDIOT, JEREMY! YOU TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT! THAT WAS YOUR JOB, YOU FUCKING MORON! YOU CRETIN! YOU'RE A FUCKHEAD! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! A FUCKING SHITHEAD! Jez: [calmly] It was a joke, Mark. I was joking. It was a Christmas joke. Mark: [quiet] O-Oh I see... oh. Dan: Now, where's the cauliflower? Mark: Cauliflower is not traditional, Dad. Dan: CAULIFLOWER IS TRADITIONAL! Jez: I'm a Christmasist. Mark: Oh, right, yeah, the FlashFoward box set. Dobby: It's meant to be amazing. Shall we do it this week? Mark: Uh, sure, it's just... we watched all the Losts and they were somewhat OK, and Heroes had some interesting themes, but also quite a lot of not-so-interesting themes, and Prison Break... by the end I very much felt I wanted to break out of the prison that Prison Break had become for us, and it's just... don't you think maybe

New Year's Eve [7.6]

Mark: Nothing from Dobby since Christmas. I want to call again, but when I leave long messages, I have this nagging sense that I'll end up hearing them being played back to me in a court of law. Jez: Come on, man, shake your booty! Tonight even Paxman's out, hoovering up lines of crank off Krishnan Guru-Murthy. Tonight's the big one. Mark: Jeremy, all rational people agree it's a truth self-evident that it's impossible to have a good time on New Year's Eve. The pressure's too immense. Jez: Tonight, it's not about the bitches, it's all about the hitches! Mark: The Hitches? You think we're Peter and Christopher Hitchens on a big night out? And I suppose I have to be Peter. Mark: I want to keep a clear head for when I talk to Dobby. Do you think she might be here soon or... Johnson: I don't know, Mark. We've been over this, she might pop in. Hmm, fine white wine, ain't that fine. Mark: (Hmm, he's conned me to his party. Because it's hard to take a legal position on 'might pop in'. Anyone

Jeremy Therapised [8.1]

(We could be the Chemical Toilet Brothers.) Jeff?! Yeah. I'm too big to fail. I do know what that means.

Chairman Mark [8.5]

(Good old Fate. It does the hard work so you don't have to. Or am I thinking of Flash?)

Quantocking II [8.6]

Look, I think we need a cooling-off period. Just go back to London, find out what Nancy's up to, watch some pornos, have a couple of gay flings and then, at the end of two weeks, if you still feel the same, then maybe you can say something. The life coach speaks! Well why don't you go back to London, then? That's what we agreed. Oh, great, that's brilliant. Fuck the agreement. Fuck the Geneva Convention. Fuck Parliamentary democracy. Fuck everything. Is that your great new idea? I'll kill you, Jeremy, for trying to steal Dobby, and electrocuting me, and destroying my fucking pie!

Are We Going To Be Alright? [9.6]

Super Hans: Love's hard mate. Fucking hard. Doesn't work... breaks. But you've got to give it a go. Norwich are never going to win the league, but they still turn up every week don't they? The pricks. Mark: (Hello dad, you're living inside me now, are you?) Mark: I mean, I know I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm not even probably average. I'm a misshapen potato. An oddball (Feel free to disagree, April!). I'm mean-spirited, and I only really like hearing about other people's holidays when they've been disastrous. Mark: (I’ve won! It’s like I’m Napoleon invading Moscow and the Tsar’s fucked off to Ibiza! I’ve conquered the whole of Russia! I’ve only gone and won!) Jez: (Aww, we do love each other, really...) Mark: (...I simply must get rid of him.)