Father Ted

Father Ted: Er.. Dougal? There's some shaving cream just there (points to his own face) Father Dougal: No there's not Ted. No. You're grand. Father Ted: No. On You. Father Dougal: Where exactly Ted? Father Ted: Dougal it's all over the place. Father Dougal: How on earth did all that get there? I didn't even shave this morning! (Towels face) Father Dougal: (Smiling) God it's lovely out! Father Dougal: They have horse riding as well. I remember I did it last year. Well it wasn't really a horse, it was actually this ol' fella. He couldn't go very fast so I had to hit him with the whip a few times. Father Ted: How old was he? Father Dougal: I'd say he was about 80. Father Ted: And how long were you up on him? Father Dougal: About an hour? Father Ted: So you were up on an 80-year-old man's back for 60 minutes, whipping him around the place. Do you realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life? Father Dougal: The ants are back Ted! Nun: Girls (claps hands) Pay attention, we've

Father Ted, CC BY-SA 4.0

Father Ted: Are you sure you won't have any tea Paul? Father Stone: No, I'm fine. Father Ted: Right. Would you like me to turn on the television? Father Stone: No thanks. I'm fine. Father Ted: Right Father Ted: Have you seen Father Shortall at all recently? Father Stone: No. Father Ted: I was thinking what would he be? Would he be eighty now? Father Stone: I suppose so. Father Dougal: (curious about their new guest) Who is it Ted? Father Ted: Now Dougal... don't over-react. Father Dougal: Fair enough. Father Ted: Right. (long pause). It's Father Stone. Father Ted: Dougal, get up. Father Dougal: (gets up) Whoah Ted. No, not him! Father Ted: It's him all right. Father Dougal: God almighty! Father Ted: I know! Father Dougal: Why didn't you tell him not to come Ted? You said you would! You promised after the last time! Father Ted: I tried but it's like trying to talk to a wall with a moustache!

Father Ted, CC BY-SA 4.0

It's like asking the Holy Mother to stop appearing to schoolgirls at Ballinspittle.

Father Ted, CC BY-SA 4.0

Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line.

Father Ted, CC BY-SA 4.0

Father Ted: Father, are you awake? (Jack wakes up to see Ted covered in a rugby outfit and a crash helmet) Father Ted: Father, we have a visitor. Father Jack: (Later, Jack punches Ted out of the window) Feck Off!

Father Ted, CC BY-SA 4.0

Father Ted: That would be quite common you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood. Father Dougal: Your brother is a doctor isn't he? Father Ted: Yes he is.

Father Ted, CC BY-SA 4.0