Quotes

Miscellaneous

Formica Davis: Well, it started off boring and slow, with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: '"Blah blah blah. You've got to believe me!"' That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, '"Man, whatever! The guy's guilty as shit! We all know that."' And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation. Carl's Jr. Computer: Welcome to Carl's Jr. Would you like to try our EXTRA BIG ASS TACO? Now with more MOLECULES! Various: I like money. Time Machine Narrator: ...First to the year 1939 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world! ... But then an even greater force emerged: The un! [sic; United Nations] And the un un-nazied the world! Forever! Costco Greeter: Welcome to Costco, I love you... Welcome to Costco, I love you... Dr. Lexus: Right... kick ass. Well, don't want to sound like a dick or nothing, but uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Uh, you talk like a fa

Dialogue

Narrator: As the 21st century began... human evolution was at a turning point. Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest... the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest... a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man... now began to favor different traits. The Joey Buttafuoco case-- Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized... and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. A dumbing down. How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd... it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most... and left the intelligent to become an endangered species. Trevor: Having kids is such an important decision. Carol: We're just waiting for the right time. It's not something you want to rush into, obviously. Trish: [Reading pregnancy test stick] No way. Oh, shit, I'm pregnant again! Clevon: Shi

Dialogue

Joe: [Bauers walks up to Joe] Hey, Bauers. Bauers: This is Peterson, your new replacement. Joe: My what? I'm gettin' replaced? Bauers: Yeah, they didn't tell you? Joe: No. Bauers: Some new assignment. They're being all weird and hush-hush about it. Joe: I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time. I'm good at this. Bauers: Good at what? Sittin' on ass? No one ever comes in here. Joe: Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up. If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension. I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this? Bauers: No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up. Joe: Jesus. I don't understand. Why me? Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way. Bauers: When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following. Joe: That doesn't embarrass me. Bauers: Look, Joe. You don't have a choic

Dialogue

Joe: Why me? Every time Metzler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way. Sgt. Keller: Yeah, when he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." It's supposed to embarrass you into leading, or at least following. Joe: That doesn't embarrass me.

Dialogue

Program: Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card. Document number G24L8. Joe: I'm not sure if— Program: You have entered the name "Not Sure". Is this correct, Not Sure? Joe: No, it's not correct. Program: Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct? Joe: No it's not. My name is Joe— Program: You've already confirmed your first name is "Not". Please confirm your last name "Sure". Joe: My last name is not "Sure". Program: Thank you, "Not Sure". Joe: No. What I mean is that my name is Joe. Program: Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.

Dialogue

Greeter: Hi, welcome to Costco. I love you. Frito: Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here. Joe: You went to law school? At Costco? Frito: I know! I couldn't believe it, either. But luckily, my dad was an alumnus, so he pulled some strings.

Dialogue

Joe: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know? Frito: Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe.

Dialogue

Frito: I can't believe you like money too. We should hang out. Cameraman: Totally.

Dialogue

Rita: You think Einstein walked around thinking everyone was a bunch of dumb-shits? Joe: Yeah. Hadn't thought of that. Rita: Now you know why he built that bomb.

Dialogue

Joe: For the last time, I'm pretty sure what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff. Attorney General: "So wait a minute. What you're saying is that you want us to put water on the crops. Joe: Yes. Attorney General: Water. Like out the toilet? Joe: Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea. Secretary of State: But Brawndo's got what plants crave. Joe: Okay, look. The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working. Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow. Secretary of Energy: Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet. Secretary of State: Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world? Joe: Okay, look. You want to solve this problem. I want to get my pardon. So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave? Attorney General: Brawndo's got what plants crave. Secretary of Energy: Yeah, it's got electrolytes. Joe: What are electr

Dialogue

Cameraman: Why you keep trying to read that word? You're a fag? Frito: "Fag" your face!

Dialogue

It's you! Oh man, I really love your show.