Small Soldiers

Larry Benson: Pretty exciting, huh? Irwin Wayfair: I don't know. I think it's kinda sad. I mean, you know Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about profits. I think it sucks. Larry Benson: Welcome to Earth, Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world. Irwin Wayfair: Yeah, well, the real world sucks. Irwin Wayfair: [seeing an approaching Ms. Kegel] It does have its perks...

Small Soldiers, CC BY-SA 4.0

Gil Mars: Y'know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that show us 4x4 trucks popping up to the top of Mt. Rushmore and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head, okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women that they can look like Claudia Schiffer after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys could actually talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass? I'm talking about toys that are so smart, when kids play with them, they play back. Toys, in short, gentlemen, that actually do what they do in the commercials. Irwin Wayfair: Well, that's an interesting idea. Gil Mars: Forget about this batteries-not-included crap. We're gonna stick in a lifetime Globotech lithium cell. Keep these things running forever. That'll piss off the guys at Eveready. Larry Benson: Yeah. [chuckles] Hey, how's this for a slogan? "The Commando Elite: Anything else is just a toy." Gil Mars: "Everything else is just a toy." Larry Benson: Th-That's good, too.

Small Soldiers, CC BY-SA 4.0

Alan Abernathy: [on the phone to Globotech] The Commando Elite wrecked my dad's store and destroyed the Gorgonites! GloboTech Telephone Operator: The Commando Elite are designed to fight the Gorgonites. Alan Abernathy: They didn't fight them, they destroyed them, and now they're gone! GloboTech Telephone Operator: I'm sorry, but Heartland Play Systems does not replace lost toys. Alan Abernathy: I didn't lose them! Look, is there a machine I can talk to? Just transfer me to a machine! GloboTech Telephone Operator: Bye. Have a nice day, ma'am. Alan Abernathy: [aghast] I'm not a "ma'am"!

Small Soldiers, CC BY-SA 4.0

Irwin Wayfair: We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous. Larry Benson: How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard, the mechanicals are standard. Even the-- [realizing] Oh. Irwin Wayfair: What's "Oh"? Larry Benson: What? Irwin Wayfair: You just said "Oh." Larry Benson: No, l said "Oh." Irwin Wayfair: Err, "Oh" like "That's interesting", or "Oh" like "We're screwed"? Larry Benson: No. I mean, hey, whoa, oh. Look, forget the "Oh." I'll go to Legal to start on the countersuit, all right-- Irwin Wayfair: The chips! That's the "Oh"! Larry Benson: Oh. Irwin Wayfair: Yeah. These micro-processing chips, what do they do and where did you get them from? Larry Benson: They, you know, micro-process. And they come from the land of "I Saved Your Job." Come on. Irwin Wayfair: [looks up the chips on his computer] They were designed for the Department of Defense. [shocked] You put munitions chips in toys?!

Small Soldiers, CC BY-SA 4.0

Ralph Quist: The X1000 is a masterpiece. Imagine a microchip sophisticated enough to control the guidance systems of ballistic missiles. Imagine it can be used to instantly upgrade any system that it's plugged into, like a smart drug for machines. Then imagine it can learn. Irwin Wayfair: [nervously] Wh-What are you talking about, artificial intelligence? Ralph Quist: No. Actual intelligence. It's no wonder those philistines at the Pentagon couldn't appreciate it. One little flaw, and they scrap the whole project! Irwin Wayfair: Ah-ha, so there is a flaw in the chips. Ralph Quist: Well... they're a little bit sensitive to EMP. Irwin Wayfair: EMP? Electromagnetic pulse? Ralph Quist: Yeah, you know, the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt even the toy industry has become quite that competitive! They said adequate shielding wasn't cost-effective. [scoffs] Did the Medicis ever tell Michelangelo "Sorry, Mike, but marble's not really cost-effective, here's a bag of

Small Soldiers, CC BY-SA 4.0

Alan Abernathy: Are you all right? Gwendy Doll 1: All my make-up is cruelty-free! Gwendy Doll 2: You come here often? Gwendy Doll 3: Will you take me to the prom? Gwendy Doll 4: [wielding blades] If you can't accessorize, pulverize! Gwendy Doll 5: You've been a bad boy! And now you must be punished! Gwendy Doll 6: Watch out, girls! Hissy fit! Gwendy Doll 5: [still threatening Alan] You're to die for! Gwendy Doll 7: Run! She's got a baton! Gwendy Doll 8: It's a Baton Death March! Gwendy Doll 9: She's gone postal! Gwendy Doll 10: Oh, I broke a nail... Christy Fimple: I ALWAYS HATED THESE THINGS! Gwendy Doll 11: Oh, the humanity!

Small Soldiers, CC BY-SA 4.0