Desperate Housewives

Lady: Listen, it seems to me like you have some anger management issues. Lynette: I have four kids under the age of six. I absolutely have anger management issues. Susan: Julie? Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night. Julie: He did? Cool. Susan: But only I'm going. Because you're gonna come down with something semi-serious that requires bed-rest and fluids. Gabrielle: So now you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike? Susan: Yeah, well, if Edie's gonna be there, I'm gonna need emotional support. Julie: Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive. Susan: Shut up, Julie! Julie: If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out. Susan: I keep hoping he'll ask me out. Julie: How's that going? Susan: Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends? Gabrielle: I can't believe she wormed her way in. How did you let her do that? Susan: I don't know, I was gonna take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast. Gabrielle: Well, you know what you need to

Desperate Housewives, CC BY-SA 4.0

Rex: So these tennis lessons we're taking. How are we doing? Bree: My back hand is improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve. Rex: Of course. Paul: Can I be frank? Susan: Of course. Paul: I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she was bored. It doesn't matter. She abandoned her husband and her son. And I'll never forgive her. Gabrielle: How was school? John: I got an A minus in biology. Gabrielle: Show me what you learned. Susan: Lynette? Lynette: I'm in. Bree: I'll make braised lamb shanks. Lynette: I'm still in. Zach: You didn't put in an obituary? Paul: I've been busy. Zach: Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary. Susan: How could we have all forgotten about this? Lynette: We didn't exactly forget, it's just usually when the hostess dies the party is off. Bree: Lynette! Lynette: I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality. Karl: The heart wants what it wants. Susan: Well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can co

Desperate Housewives, CC BY-SA 4.0

Martha: I was just thinking of that expression, "I'll make mincemeat out of you." Mincemeat used to be made up of little bits of meat chopped up, so the expression was like saying, "I'll chop you up into little pieces!" Yao Lin: I hate lying. Gabrielle: Yeah, well, I hate your ironing, so there.

Desperate Housewives, CC BY-SA 4.0

Bree: I love to try out new recipes before the holidays. That way if the cookbook has it wrong, I can fix it. Bree: He could've been a sexual predator. Rex: And he ended up at Mrs. Frome's? That's a lose-lose situation. Lynette: You can tell them how beautifully behaved the twins are. Bree: So you want me to lie? Lynette: I thought that was understood. Rex: Oh come on, I'm staying at a motel, I haven't had a decent meal in weeks. Bree: Honey, the marriage counseling may not work out, you need to get used to bad cooking. Bree: Rex. The truth is, with the kids gone, I'll be all by myself in this house for the first time in seventeen years. Rex: Honey, I know it's hard to hear, but the marriage counseling might not work out. You need to get used to being alone. Bree: You're right. That was hard to hear. Mama Solis: Excuse my daughter-in-law. She's very fulfilled. Lynette: Did you bat your eyes? You know, it doesn't work if you don't bat your eyes. Susan: Honey, I batted everything that wa

Desperate Housewives, CC BY-SA 4.0

Gabrielle: Yeah, I've seen who you’ve been busy with. John: Danielle? Come on, I mean, she's just a friend. Gabrielle: Well, before you get any friendlier, let me remind you, I can do things to you she can't even pronounce. Bree: Is that how you see me? As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish? I love sex. Dr. Goldfine: All right. Bree: I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then, when you add friction. Mmm... The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself - two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications, but I'm just not a fan. Julie: How am I supposed to blend in with a bunch of messed up teenagers? Susan: I don't know, pretend you're bulimic, gag a little. Bree: I'

Desperate Housewives, CC BY-SA 4.0

Susan: Hey Edie! Edie: Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you. Susan: Everybody's staring at me, aren't they? Mike: Just the slapstick fans. Mr. Shaw: Sometimes, evil drives a minivan.

Desperate Housewives, CC BY-SA 4.0