Quotes

Dialogue

Mover: You hit that guy! Happy: He shouldn't have been standing there.

Dialogue

Chubbs: Golf's no different from hockey. It requires talent and self-discipline. Happy: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant, probably a great golfer, huge ass. Chubbs: Hey, I'll bet your neighbor the accountant can't drive the ball 400 yards. I'll bet your neighbor the accountant doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour! Happy: And how would I do that? Chubbs: You win the Open tomorrow, and you're automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows, maybe you'll win the Tour Championship. Get that gold jacket that I never got. Happy: Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?

Dialogue

McGavin: You're in big trouble, though, pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast. Happy: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?! McGavin: No!

Dialogue

Mr. Larson: Trying to reach the green from here, Shooter? McGavin: That's not possible, sir. Mr. Larson: I beg to differ, Happy Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago. McGavin: [turning round and seeing Mr. Larson] Well, moron, good for Happy Gilm- [recoils] OH MY GOD!!!

Dialogue

Happy: I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too. Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you? Happy: Yeah. [Virginia shoots the puck and scores] Holy shit. Talk about your all time backfires. Virginia: Happy, I didn't see it go in.

Dialogue

Announcer: We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last. Barker: I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar. Happy: You better relax, Bob. Barker: There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf. Happy: All right. Let's go! [punches Barker in the face] You like that, old man?! You want a piece of me?! Barker: [shakes his head as he gets up from the ground] I don't want a piece of you. I want the whole THING! [repeatedly punches Happy vigorously until he hits the water] Happy: [angrily emerges from the water] Now you're gonna get it, Bobby! [he and Barker continue fighting, and they roll down the hill, until he conks Barker in the head and gets back on his feet] Man from behind: [cheers Happy on] Happy! Happy: The Price is wrong, bitch! Barker: I think you've had enough. [Happy tries to get back up again] No? [kicks Happy in the face once more]

Dialogue

Happy: Oh, my God! Verne Lundquist: This is incredible! Happy Gilmore wins the gold jacket. Shooter: No! NOOOOO! [bends down in defeat and agony] Happy: I love you, [kisses his grandmother] you [kisses Virginia] and you. [kisses Otto] Shooter: Doug! Doug! Impossible! That's mine! My jacket! It's mine! [steals Happy's gold jacket from Doug, and runs away] Happy: Hey! He stole my jacket! Mr. Larson: [to himself; in anger] I believe that is Mr. Gilmore's. [in slow-motion, Shooter runs as he puts on Happy's jacket. The crowd chases him. He angrily growls as he swings his arms] I will get you, Shooter! Man: We're gonna get you, you bastard! Shooter: [screams, then collapses offscreen as the crowd attacks him] No! Get off! Ow! Get off! Get off! Mr. Larson: Stay still! Shooter: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!