Quotes

Pilot

Yes, you nailed it. He's a cross-dressing serial killer.

Pilot

I know more about her ovaries than I do my own.

Pilot

This is what we call 'middle class angst.

Pilot

Lauren: [about her book report] I was gonna do The Secret Garden, but I'm doing Everybody Poops instead. Amy: How about... 'Everybody Poops in the Secret Garden'?

Pilot

Lauren: Why are they talking about us like we're not here? Amy: It's a family tradition, sweetie.

Pilot

Bruce: Do you have a problem with me not being a woman? Amy: Not if you don't.

Pilot

Vincent: She's asleep. Amy: She doesn't want me to tuck her in? Vincent: No. No, she's not interested. She says that she loves you, but that she's not in love with you. No, that was another conversation.

Pilot

Lauren: That's ridiculous! Cars just don't start moving. Vincent: Please, Judge, give me a chance. I don't want to go to jail. Lauren: Well, what are you going to do for me? Vincent: I don't think Judge Barbie's supposed to say that. Amy: Ok, bedtime!

Pilot

Amy: What? I don't look judicial? Maxine: No! You look like a deranged minister!

Pilot

Vincent: No, no, no. It's a very bad idea to drink alone. Amy: Well, it's either that or matricide. Vincent: Then go ahead. I'll wait.

Pilot

Vincent: You sure can clear a room. Maxine: It hasn't worked on you yet.

Short Calendar

Lauren, your opinions are not as fascinating as you think they are.

Short Calendar

Lauren: What's anorexia? Maxine: A disease women get from reading magazines.

Trial By Jury

Peter, go over there and deal with that sales girl. Something about her scares me. I think it's her teeth.

Trial By Jury

I happen to remember something Professor Larkin said about you. He said you had a brilliant mind for theatrics, and you would do well in the courtroom, until you met a judge who was smarter than you. Well, guess what just happened.

Trial By Jury

Amy: I have to check my compassion at the door. Greta: Says who? Amy: I've got to think about the law, not the people. Greta: Well, what do you think the law is for? When you uphold the law, you uphold the good of the people. Not just the people in your courtroom. All of them. Nobody loses.

Victim Soul

Amy: Where's Vincent? Maxine: He said something about a freelance writing job. Lauren: It's the lady from the hardware store, he met her looking for screws.

Last Tango in Hartford

Writing is writing. It's even better when you get paid for it.

An Impartial Bias

Maxine: The week your father was accepted, we found out I was pregnant with Peter. Vincent: So Dad quit his dreams and went into the insurance business? Maxine: No, he didn't quit his dreams, he traded them for a different one. Your father was a pragmatist, Vincent and he loved his family very much. Vincent: So he wanted a family more than medical school? Maxine: Yes. When we had Amy, I figured perfect one boy, one girl, now we have our family, but your father wanted one more. He finally talked me into it. Vincent: So you never wanted me? Maxine: Just in the abstract, dear.

Near Death Experience

No, if I sit still, I'll think terrible things. Like, how hard is it to hire a hitman? And, do they take credit cards?

The Persistence of Tectonics

And this is a very nice gay man, Justin, whom we just met. And this is my son, Vincent, who isn't gay. He's a writer.

The Persistence of Tectonics

I was just down in the basement...Hooking a rug.

The Persistence of Tectonics

After 40 years of cooking Thanksgiving dinner, even the word 'Thanksgiving' makes me mad.

The Persistence of Tectonics

Vincent: Something smells good. Amy: That would be Socrates' breath.

The Persistence of Tectonics

Amy: You could be a little more sympathetic. Bruce: I don't do sympathetic. Amy: Of course not.

The Persistence of Tectonics

Maxine: You know what I read the other day? That Denver, Colorado is moving closer to San Francisco, California by an inch every ten years. Amy: Is this relevant? Maxine: An inch every ten years. That's the way the Rocky Mountains were formed, and that's the way the world changes. Not by stamping your foot to get your way. Not even by the bang of a gavel. It's by the choices that we make, you know, all the time. You do what you think is right, every time. Slowly, the world starts to change. That's how we leave our imprint on life -- an inch every ten years. Amy: Where do you come up with this stuff? Maxine: I don't know; just pops into my head. It's a curse, really.

Crowded House

Please, don't let me break your concentration by living here.

Presumed Innocent

Donna: Some people believe that before we’re born, when we’re still in spirit form, we make a deal with the universe... choose the families we’re born into. We have different reasons, based on the lessons we need to learn. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I chose mine. But, it’s obvious why Judge Gray chose hers. I’m just really glad I could be a part of it. God bless us... every one. Maxine: Amen

Zero to Sixty

Maxine: [about a naked baby picture] My father took that one. If I lose a few teeth and start drooling, I'll be right back there again. Amy: Wearing a few more clothes, I hope.

Zero to Sixty

I find it very self-aware that the parties object to being referred to as 'parents.'

Zero to Sixty

My best solution isn't repeatable in court, Your Honor.

Shaken, Not Stirred

Maxine: Ten-year-old children cannot take care of themselves. They need their parents, but if their parents betray them, they need us. Donna: Judge Gray? Amy: Uh, Donna? Donna: Are you seeing someone? Amy: Excuse me? Donna: You're glowing. Amy: No, I'm not. Donna: Oh yeah, you are. Amy: Donna, I'm not glowing. Donna: Sorry.

Culture Clash

Amy: It's my brother's book! My baby brother. Vincent Gray. Vincent: She's out on a day pass.

The Wee Hours

Lauren: Leesha says she a Libertarian. What's that? Amy: Somebody who doesn't have children. Amy: [to Bruce] Well, maybe four hours sleep isn't enough for you, Mr. Smarty-Pants. Bruce: May I assume since you're calling me "Mr. Smarty-Pants" that the official part of the reprimand is over?

Drawing the Line

Maxine: Amy, why on earth are you teaching a class at Yale? Amy: Because they asked me." Maxine: There's a handy little two-letter word you might want to learn. Amy: Mom, it's an honor to be asked. You should be congratulating me. Maxine: I'll congratulate you when you learn how to take a nap. Amy: You know, Leesha, you might want to watch how many sentences you begin with "Michael said." People might not think you have any thoughts of your own.

Human Touch

Amy: Here's a new idea. Why don't you tell her how you feel? Vincent: What, and let down my whole gender? Amy: Do you love her? Vincent: I don't know. What? I'm standing here with a mocha latte talking to my sister about love. My sperm count is plummeting! Amy: You love her! Vincent: Shut up! I gotta run. Amy: God, Peter, when we were growing up you were the cool one. You were the guy in the band. You were the guy who could ditch all your classes and still make straight "A"s. You were looking to legalize marijuana! What happened to that guy? When did you become... this guy? Peter: Dad died and I grew up. Someone had to.

The Out-of-Towners

If I end up in a dumpster, it's your fault.

The Out-of-Towners

Vincent: Are we going to be one of those couples that solves every dispute by having wild monkey sex? Lisa: God, I hope so.

The Out-of-Towners

Maxine: And why is it so hard for you to believe that I'm attractive to men? Peter: Uh...you're my mother? Maxine: And I got that way by being attractive to men.

The God Thing

Greta: Life is full of endless opportunities to make a fool of yourself. Amy: Well, if somebody's keeping score, then I should be heading into the bonus round right about now.

The God Thing

Kimberly: This is obviously a case of professional jealousy. Maxine: [smiling]...the lawyer wishes she could be a wire-bender?

The God Thing

Amy: My friend, Greta, found God. Bruce: I didn't know He was missing.

Gray vs. Gray

The truth is, we're all going to die. The blessing is, we don't know when. And that's what allows us to go on.

Zero Tolerance

[to Vincent in the hospital] Wouldn't it be great if it could be Mom's fault?

Unnecessary Roughness

Terry Ventrella: Are you sorry about slamming my Johnny in that door? Maxine: Nope. Keep your damn Johnny out of my gas tank.

Waterworld

CD Announcer: You are giving your baby the gift of non-violent birth. Maxine: Anyway, I can see how Carol might not like you, but I'm adorable.

The Undertow

Maxine: I never said I broke up with Jared. Amy: Are you saying you didn't? Maxine: What I'm saying is whether I did or not is none of your business! Amy: Mom, I hate her. But Lauren thinks the sun shines right out of her butt.

Adoption Day

Gillian: I love you, Amy. Amy: I love you, too. Gillian: But, I mean, you are way too skinny for someone with such a nice rack.

Adoption Day

Rob: Sometimes people gotta obliterate everything in their path just to get themselves back on track. Amy: That's exactly how it feels. Rob: And sometimes innocent people get incinerated because they happen to be too close to the blow.

Adoption Day

Amy: Can tuna actually freeze? Bruce: Apparently so. Vincent: Hey. Am I interrupting? Bruce: Just having some tuna Slurpees...

8 1/2 Narrow

Ms. Winston, I am ruling, and you are... shutting up.

The Beginning, the End, and the Murky Middle

Board Member: We're a little concerned that your director is a drug addict. Maxine: No, my director is a former drug addict. I myself am a former high school student, and everyone here used to poop in their pants. What's your point?

Everybody Falls Down

Maxine: Oh, Fran. I lack delicacy. Fran: No kidding.

Everybody Falls Down

Vincent: What's wrong with Katie? Amy: Nothing, if you like perky, nubile teenagers. Vincent: I think I'm gonna let that one pass.

Romeo and Juliet Must Die--Well, Maybe Just Juliet

Vincent: When a person kills another person, it leaves a mark. Donna: Yeah, especially when he uses an axe the way Oscar did.

Romeo and Juliet Must Die--Well, Maybe Just Juliet

No, Gillian, I can't think of a reason not to have lunch. Maybe Amy will join us. No, she's been up for hours, doing yoga and writing her autobiography.

Grounded

Maxine: Amy? I brought you some chicken soup. How do you feel? Amy: Horrible. I've been seeing things. It's like being on acid. Amy: Not that I ever did acid. Uh, you know, I heard about it. Some of my friends told me. Listen, I think I need to go back to bed.

Grounded

Lauren: Are you kissing my Grandma? Jared: I was about to, yes. Lauren: OK.

Redheaded Stepchild

Carole: So, uh, what are we all doing? Lauren: Donna and I are playing 'Parole Board Babes' and Uncle Vincent is cutting his novel to shreds.

Hold on Tight

It's not the letting go that hurts, it's the holding on.

Hold on Tight

Sean: You are a very scary lady. Maxine: Thank you.

The Last Word

Sean: This is because you're in charge over at Sanctuary House. Maxine: Sanctuary House is a collaboration. Sean: Nothing with you is a collaboration.

The Last Word

Sean: Everyone's dismissed. Except Maxine. Maxine: Am I being kept after social work?

The Last Word

Bruce: Tell you what. You have a complete psychotic breakdown. I'll cover for you. I'll put on a robe and a wig... Come on. I'll walk you to your car. [she doesn't answer] Amy, I'll walk you to your car. Judge Gray? Amy: No. It's okay. Bruce: No, it's not. I'll walk you to your car.

The Last Word

Amy: Yeah, I was there when it happened. Stu: I know. You told me to blow it up my butt. Amy: I was hoping you wouldn't remember that part.

The Last Word

Kimberly, do the civilized world a favor and keep your opinions to yourself.

The Last Word

Sean, one day you're going to have children. And I'm going to enjoy that so much.

Off the Grid

Listen up. It is about damn time you people became more afraid of me than Maxine Gray.

Off the Grid

(to Lauren) Is guilt a genetic pre-disposition with the Gray women or is it a learned behavior?

Off the Grid

Vincent: Grandma is so caught up in her own dunnage. Lauren: You're saying a lot of stuff I don't understand today. Vincent: It's this thing women do when they need help or emotional support they retreat into their own world where no man no matter how much they love her is allowed to enter.

Darkness For Light

Amy: One day, I'm going to find a man who thinks I'm the meaning of life. Maxine: Amy, don't be trippy. The best you can hope for is a man who doesn't think about the meaning of life when he's with you.

Darkness For Light

[jumps out of her seat] Ha! Just so you know, Judge Gray was a big shot corporate lawyer on Wall Street before we got her. [Amy and Bruce look at her and she sits]

Darkness For Light

[to Sean] Yes, I am sacrificing the good of the many for the good of the one. I am willing to burn in hellfire for all damnation for that, therefore you don't scare me.

Darkness For Light

Bruce: Do you smell chlorine? Amy: I went for a swim. For fitness. Bruce: That would explain it.

The Right Thing To Do

Jared: Maxine, I forget. Why are we breaking up? Maxine: Because it's the right thing to do. Jared: I hate the right thing to do. Maxine: So do I. It's a pain in the ass.

The Right Thing To Do

Vincent: Please marry me. Carol: I'm wearing paper. Vincent: Okay? Carol: I didn't want to be wearing paper when I got engaged. Vincent: I could ask you again tonight when you're wearing clothes.

The Right Thing To Do

You can't democratize a personal conviction. That's what this is. I'm taking a stand. And I'm more than willing to stand alone.

The Right Thing To Do

Vincent: Donna! I'm in the shower! Donna: No kidding. Vincent: Naked!

The Right Thing To Do

Maxine: Is this what they call a high-class problem? Amy: I guess so. Maxine: Funny. Feels just like a regular one.

The Right Thing To Do

Amy: Why does this feel like it's a marriage? Bruce: Because it is. Amy: Without the obvious perks. [Bruce looks confused] You don't fix things around the house.

Imbroglio

Life wants to be a mess. Don't ask me why.

Imbroglio

Amy: So, it's not like flirting. Bruce: No, it's not like flirting. Amy: Because priests don't flirt. Bruce: Not if they like their jobs. Amy: So, we're talking nada? No heavy petting, light petting...? Bruce: Do I look like I want to be having this conversation?

Imbroglio

Amy: You think you're cute, don't you? Bruce: I am cute. Here. We're on the set up committee. So, set up.

Imbroglio

If I had a 6-year-old sucking on some part of my anatomy and called it a bonding experience, I'd be arrested.

Imbroglio

I think Your Honor would agree that this is a little too happy of a meal.

Imbroglio

Amy: Who's that? Bruce: A friend. Where's your hair? Amy: Where's yours?

Imbroglio

Bruce: I have three rules. I don't lend money, I don't touch lettuce, I don't set people up. Amy: You don't touch lettuce? Bruce: It's cold, it's wet, it squeaks. I don't have to explain myself.

Imbroglio

Amy: What's his deal? Bruce: His 'deal' is his business. And I told you - Amy: I know. You don't touch lettuce.

Imbroglio

Amy: Tell me I never said the words 'sippy cup' while on the verge of tears. Maxine: No, but you were an averagely nervous young mother, so try to understand what she's going through. Amy: Why are you picking on me? Maxine: Vincent's gone. I have to pick on somebody.

Rights of Passage

Maxine: Kyle! Kyle: Thank God you aren't insane. Maxine: Why? Kyle: Because I spent most of my childhood trying to make you that way.

Surprised by Gravity

Kyle: I used to sleepwalk through life, ignorant of the importance beef tallow plays in the flavoring of french fries. Now, I have been enlightened, and the french fry holds no secrets from me. Amy: Hey, Kyle. That's not a Jaguar. Kyle: No, it's not. But it has aspirations. Maxine: [to Amy about her garnishing the meatloaf] Amy, any more parsley and it'll look like a putting green. Kyle: Well, Aunt Max lit the oven for me, but I sliced the sausage of the pre-mixed dough.

Beating the Bounds

Amy: [about the woman who wanted Amy to perform her divorce ceremony] She chose me because you have a great rear end. Bruce: Yes. I do. Lauren: What's an orgasm? Amy: Oh, honey, I'm not sure if I remember anymore. I might have to look it up in a book. Lauren: (to Amy as Kyle walks by) How do you cheat with sex? Kyle: Alcohol, music, and Viagra. Maxine: (to Kyle) You have accomplished the "self-distructive, I don't-give-a-damn" look.

Crime and Puzzlement

Amy: I've seen you rant. You can't unring that bell. Bruce: Would you like a list of things I've seen you do? Bruce: When they get to Andrew Lloyd Webber, I quit.

Who Shot Dick?

Maxine: The hell you did. Daddy sent you to medical school. By the time it was my turn, there was nothing left. Richard: You went to college. Maxine: I worked three jobs. I didn't pay off those loans till 1967. You were his hope, I was his after-thought. My God Richard. I don't want to go over this again. Richard: None of this is justification for keeping me from my son. Maxine: Edward was dead at 55. Maxine: He's an adult. No one forced his hand. You're making things worse. Peter: I've been reading Robin Hood to Ned. Kyle: Steal from the rich and give to the poor? You're the quasi-communist, Peter. Maxine: I have a good memory. Richard: Your blessing and your curse. Maxine: It's always been a fine line. Richard: (regarding Kyle) Teaching him the fine art of holding a grudge are we? Maxine: No, the lost art of learning from the past, you know the whole doomed to repeat it thing? Andrea: (to Bruce) I guess it is true that it takes a village or at least an English nanny to raise a child.

The Cook of the Money Pot

Maxine: Amy, you seem to be alright after walking in on your father and me. Amy: That never happened. Maxine: Then perhaps denial will work as well for Lauren as it has for you.

Can They Do That With Vegetables?

Maxine: She looks up to you, you know. Eric: Big deal. She's 4 feet tall.

Can They Do That With Vegetables?

Lauren: Eric's going to teach me how to spam dunk! Eric: Slam dunk. Basketball, not lunch.

Can They Do That With Vegetables?

Peter: And you're way hotter than Charlayne, too. Amy: Way hotter.

Can They Do That With Vegetables?

Eric. Now would this be the junkie or the street hustler?

Can They Do That With Vegetables?

Maxime: You want to open this door Amy? Amy: Yeah. Maxime: You exist on 9 cups of coffee a day. You eat powdered sugar for breakfast. You drink like a European. And you have sex with people you don't care about.

Woman in Cacti With a Curled Up Rat

Kyle: How do you intend to convince him? Maxine: I'm going to flirt with him. Oh, come on. You can't tell me you've never tried it. Kyle: How do you think I passed organic chemistry?

Men Aren't Monsters

In the desperate hope that you two have some kind of secret language you can't speak in front of women, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get a cup of coffee.

The Bottle Show

Donna: How was the movie? Kyle: It was good...Not bad...It sucked. Donna: Your little friend enjoyed it? Kyle: She fell asleep. Donna: Probably malnutrition. Maxine: Men look in the mirror as much as we do, but they always think they look great. Lauren: I hate all of my clothes Maxine: She spent yesterday with Chanelle. Maxine: Great. We're just a couple of hookers short of Atlantic City. Maxine: I know this bulletin board is everyone's idea of a good time, but some of us actually use it for work. So you can consider this the end of the largest dead cockroach of the week contest. Would you kindly flush the contestants? Kimberly: Do you have like no sense of humor? Maxine: That's correct. I'm a human fun-sucking vacuum. Sean: Busy? Maxine: Very. Sean: Good, walk with me, talk with me, I've been thinking. Maxine: Gee, I already don't like it. Sean: I think it's about time we made a few headlines of our own. Flashy headlines. Maxine: A regular diet of infanticide and sexual abuse is too l

Tidal Wave

Donna: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, Mahatmas Gandhi or Dr. Phil? Maxine: An opium den. Maxine: Because I have a hate-hate relationship with my computer. Robert, I am not asking, I am telling. Surely you know the difference by now.

Boston Terriers From France

Amy: [to Maxine] How can I sleep when you're having the loudest nervous breakdown in history? Maxine: (to Amy) You want to know what your trouble is? It's always the same thing. It's why you got married when you knew it was a mistake, and it's why you slept with Lauren's karate teacher and God knows who else. You are afraid to be alone. You are. You get married 5 minutes after you graduated law school, and when you divorced Michael, you moved in here 5 minutes after that. And all of this hovering and scolding and policing and signing me up to walk with the New Age Hypochondriacs from Hell, is just another version of you being afraid to be alone. You're stuck to me like pine sap because you're afraid your Mommy's gonna die. You worry about my stress levels when the truth is half the stress in my life comes from you! Amy: I think I should move out. Maxine: I do too. Maxine: I'd rather snort prune juice up my nose. Amy: Well, you can do both. Lauren: Are you and Grandma fighting? Amy: No.

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

Barry: Why are you cutting so many tethers in your life? Amy: Because I feel tethered.

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

Maxine: Evidently melodrama has not skipped a generation as I had hoped. Amy: You were taking apart her room? Couldn't you have waited until the corpse had cooled? Maxine: See? Genetic melodrama.

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

Maxine: I need to move this mattress. Peter: You said it was an emergency! Maxine: Okay, I really need to move this mattress?

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

[trying to get Amy moving to the courtroom] Momentum requires velocity. Basic physics.

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

Amy: If I told you I had two tickets to Spain, what would you say? Bruce: When do we leave?

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

Peter: I swear to God, if you do this to yourself, I'll have you committed. Maxine: They don't do that anymore. Peter: Mother, I'm in insurance. I have powers you can't even begin to comprehend. Try me.

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

Vincent: It's a little weird. I move away, you just come in and occupy my space? Kyle: I know. Vincent: A man likes to feel like he's irreplaceable, and bang, he's replaced. Kyle: I know. Vincent: My old room, my old roommate, my seat at Thursday night dinners. My place in the family. Kyle: I know. Vincent: You haven't replaced me. Kyle: I know!

Lost in the System

Amy: Is this a bad idea? Bruce: Very bad.

The Frozen Zone

Your mom died because bad men stole airplanes and flew them into buildings. It's not your mom's fault, it's not your dad's fault, and it's certainly not your fault. If we blame the wrong people, then we help the bad guys, and they've done enough already.

Roses and Truth

Kyle: You're pregnant. Gillian: But... but I don't... get pregnant. Kyle: Well, apparently, you do.

Damage Control

Charles: Can't handle the pressure, Gray? Peter: I invented pressure, Duff. Charles: That doesn't make any sense.

Damage Control

Amy: You think I should pick one master? Maxine: Well of course you're going to have to pick one. My suggestion is you choose the one that puts the sexual predator behind bars.

A Pretty Good Day

Amy: Any conviction of a misdemeanor and a sentence of less than a year and the INS cannot touch your son. Lawyer: So, your honor is admitting that collateral consequences had an effect on your ruling. Amy: Yes, my honor is admitting to that.

Boys to Men

Charles: Am I being threatened by a superior court judge? Amy: No, by a daughter who loves her mother, which is way worse. Ask anybody.

Boys to Men

They say the first fight you have is the one you'll have for the rest of your lives.

Boys to Men

That's why I'm marrying Maxine. . .because she's so easy.

Boys to Men

Jared: [holding up a bottle of wine to Maxine and Amy] Shall I decant this or is that just snooty? Maxine: Well, a little bit of snoot never hurt anybody.

Boys to Men

My father used to say everything will be fine in the end, if it's not fine, then it's not the end.

Boys to Men

I don't think you're facing the real issue here, which is how are we going to survive Gillian's pregnancy?

Ye Olde Freedom Inn

Chaos must be tamed, that's my theory.

Ye Olde Freedom Inn

[While discussing Zola's comment about already seeing someone in response to Bruce's offer of a date] Please, her? What kind of guy would throw himself on that buzzsaw?

The Best Interests of the Child

Lauren: No one asked me what I thought was best. Amy: Well no, I guess we didn't. Lauren: I like things the way they are, that's what I think is best. Amy: The only way we do better is by figuring out what we did wrong.

Maxine, Interrupted

For a job that doesn't pay anything, it certainly has cost me a lot.

Maxine, Interrupted

Maxine: [about Sally's current boyfriend] Isn't he gay? Sally: Not any more!

Maxine, Interrupted

Sean: So... you two know each other? Maxine: That's very..observant of you, Sean.

Maxine, Interrupted

State's Attorney: Does the "no sarcasm" rule apply only to me? Amy: No, and the "no preening and posturing rule" applies to everyone.

Maxine, Interrupted

Kimberly, keep your bony fingers out of my files or I'll kick your sneaky, conniving ass from here till next September and back again.

Maxine, Interrupted

Maxine: You must have a good plastic surgeon, because that nose looks almost real. Sally: I should give you the number. [both laugh]

Sixteen Going on Seventeen

I'm a scientist and you're an actuary so this is going to sound very weird for me to say, but sometimes there are more important things than numbers.

Sixteen Going on Seventeen

Amy: Isn't suffering part of the pilgrimage experience? Stu: Here's something I learned. 'Pilgrimage' is actually just a fancy name for 'crappy vacation'.

Sixteen Going on Seventeen

What? You're gonna to tell me you never went swimming with a judge?

Judging Eric

[About Eric's birthday] Come on, last year when we took you bowling for your birthday that was awesome. This sucks monkey butt.

Judging Eric

I'm always amazed at how much you forensic guys can tell by a couple of scratches. You're like those Indian trackers in old westerns that could tell the color of a guy's hair by the way his horse walked through water.

Judging Eric

Judge Nancy Paul: Do you buy suits for all of your charges or just the ones accused of murder? Maxine: Are those my only options? Judge Nancy Paul: Pretty much.

Looking For Quarters

Lauren: Mom, you're being ridiculous. This is Peewee hockey. And besides, Grandma played field hockey in school. What's the difference? Amy: The difference is that you fall on the field and get a grass stain, you fall on the ice and your head splits open...like a melon! Maxine: They do wear helmets. Amy: Hey Mom, this is between me and Lauren.

Just Say Oops

Maxine: AMY! Amy: WHAT? Maxine: Come out here and let me see it. My wedding, I get to see the bridesmaid's dresses. Maxine: [laughing] Did you leave your curds and whey in the dressing room? Amy: I don't care what Gillian says, I'm not wearing this dress.

Just Say Oops

Heather: It's not my fault you decided to throw a juvenile Animal Farm party. Kyle: Animal House. You're trying to say Animal House, Animal Farm is a book about socialist barn animals, that would be a very different kind of party.

Just Say Oops

Jack: I was hoping you could tell me what the hell is going on? Maxine: Well the stock market is shot, but I hear the new Harry Potter book will have fourteen thousand pages.

Requiem

I've ordered grilled cheese sandwhiches and milkshakes for everyone. The lactose-intolerant can just skip it.

CSO: Hartford

Joanne: Now that we're talking about it, what's your position on it? Amy: What's my position on the world? I - I'm for it. Go world!

CSO: Hartford

Donna: Psst! Wanna have lunch? Amy: I can't. I have a lunch date. Donna: It's not in your calendar. Who're you having lunch with? Amy: Stu's mother. Donna: Huh? Amy: Stu's mother. I'm having lunch with Stu's mother! Are you getting this in the back row? I'm having lunch with Stu's mother! Next case!

CSO: Hartford

Nurse: Chainsaw accident in room 4. Wife's in the waiting room. She told me to give you these. Kyle: Are those fingers? Nurse: She thinks she got them all.

CSO: Hartford

You miss your little buddy, don't you? Sorry, that came out snottier than I intended it.

Ex Parte of Five

Maxine: [Crying] Sean, if I have a "feeling," it won't be a little one. Sean: That's okay, too.

Kilt Trip

Stu: There's a rich history behind this kilt. Bruce: Easy there, tiger, don't go showing what's behind the kilt there.

The Long Goodbye

Here's how the world works, Amy. You can leave a man at the altar, or you can have him like you. You can't have both.

Rumspringa

Amy: My life is kind of weird right now. Maxine: Yes Amy I've noticed. Amy: I'm not just talking about the non-wedding.

Sex and the Single Mother

Maxine, there's a reason why they call it 'moonlighting' instead of 'middle-of-the-day lighting.'

Sex and the Single Mother

Alan Foster: So, how long have you been with DCF? Maxine: 157 years... give or take.

Sex and the Single Mother

Heather: I want to apologize for being such a passive aggressive bitch the other day. Kyle: Actually, you were pretty active aggressive.

Christenings

Peter: You brought a date to Walt's christening? Gillian: No, ah... Peter: What's the matter with you?

Christenings

Maggie: [To Nicole] You helped me so much. Amy: How has Nicole helped you? Maggie: She understands. I've got control now.

Christenings

Maxine: I always thought the Methodists were more...uh...understated. Minister: We have our moments.

Christenings

Maxine: He's my therapist Sean, you wanted me to go to therapy, I'm going. Are you happy now? Would you like to shout it to the world? [shouting] MAXINE GRAY... IS IN... THERAPY! Sean: And not a moment too soon.

Christenings

How come every time our family goes to church something embarrassing happens?

Sins of the Father

Flower Guy: Are you Maxine Gray? These are for Maxine Gray. Maxine: I'm Maxine Gray, but there must be some mistake. You see my fiancée used to send me flowers all the time, but he died and I haven't been nice to anyone since then. Flower Guy: Well, there must be a card somewhere. Maxine: [reads card] I can't accept these, take them back. Flower Guy: What's your probelem lady? This is the nicest arrangement in the truck. Maxine: These flowers come from a man that I barely know. We spent one night together. Flower Guy: You must have made some impression [sees look on Maxine's face] Um. I'll say you weren't home.

Roadhouse Blues

Lauren: Victor and I don’t like the fact that you and his dad are dating. Amy: We aren't dating. Going to dinner is not a date. It’s just not. Maxine: Amy, I'll be back later. Amy: Where are you going mom? Maxine: Out to dinner with a friend. Amy: Are you going on a date? Maxine: No not a date, just dinner with a male companion Amy: Dinner with a male companion is a date. Maxine: It's not if I say it's not. Amy: [to Lauren] It's not the same thing.

Roadhouse Blues

[to David] Why did you pick my mom? She dumps people. You know; you were at the wedding.

Werewolves of Hartford

Ignacio: You know the pimp? Maxine: Yes, he's one of my foster pimps...uh, parents.

The Song That Never Ends

Amy: Mom, are you okay? Maxine: [trying not to laugh] Of course, but I am 65 years old, and my boyfriend's mother hates me.

Disposable

The only thing that could heal the wound was to steal underwear.

Disposable

[To Lauren, as the cupcakes burn and the smoke alarm sounds] Cupcakes cause cancer!

The Quick and the Dead

Gillian: [After their night of speed dating] Peter's looking pretty good right now. Donna: Oscar's looking pretty good right now. Amy: David McClaren's still an ass.

The Quick and the Dead

When I die of boredom, you're going to be short a doctor.

The Quick and the Dead

God, Mom! You ditched him already? You must have set a new record!

The Quick and the Dead

Kyle: What? Todd: I didn't say anything. Kyle: And yet, I heard you.

Slade's Chophouse

[After seeing Father Ted, now known as Teresa, in a skirt and makeup] Thought you'd be shorter...and a guy.

Predictive Neglect

Maxine: [about Sean's new tie] I think it would very, very good on Jimmy Smits. Sean: A bowl of soup would look good on Jimmy Smits.

My Little Runaway

Amy: [To Lauren, about a trip to the skate park] If you break your arm, I swear to God I'm going to break the other one...[looks at Victor]...then I'm going to come looking for you. Victor: Fair enough.

My Little Runaway

[shouting] Lauren? Lauren Cassidy, where are you? If you are some place with your pajamas on talking to Victor, I will not be happy!

My Little Runaway

Kyle: [Discussing Victor's condition with David and Amy] My best educated guess? I'd say 70/30. Amy: That he'll make it. Kyle: No.

My Little Runaway

Maxine: [about attending Ignacio's mother's birthday party] Let's be honest, the last time she saw me, she called me a prostitute. Ignacio: Oh, you understood that? Maxine: Si, senor.

My Little Runaway

He's telling an 89-year-old woman to go with God?

Sex, Lies and Expedia.com

[As Maxine cries and Peter, Amy, and Lauren hug her, ignoring Kyle] Okay, next time I have a life-altering epiphany, I'm sharing it with another family.

Sex, Lies and Expedia.com

Gillian: Are you saying it's over? Peter: If I am, Gillian, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Sex, Lies and Expedia.com

Before I ask what's going on out front, I have a more important question. Are Peter and I too old for bunk beds?

Sex, Lies and Expedia.com

[To Ignacio, after finding out he is still married] I've come to a decision. I will be going to China, and you can go to Hell!

Accountability

[Opens envelope, reads letter, and cries] I passed. I'm a lawyer.

Accountability

[To Hector, who just found out his parents are divorcing] Hector, I want you to know something. I want you to hear something. I'm not going to put you away, I'm not going to throw you away. You're not a ghost. I see you...I see you...I see you.

Accountability

Amy: You'd rather come in here and pretend to be a lawyer than actually be one? Donna: I...I was just fooling around.

Lullaby

[Toasting Kyle at his final dinner with the family] To Cousin Kyle, who taught me to burn CDs and download stuff off the Internet!

Lullaby

[to Amy] How 'bout I plead hungry and go to lunch?

Lullaby

Amy: What do you see when you see yourself getting old? David: How old? Amy: My mom old... David: Well there's basketball, mysteries, classics...and you, I see you.

Lullaby

Amy: Thursday night. Pick a movie. Popcorn and parking on me. Maxine: I don't want to go to the movies Thursday. Amy: Rent is in town. Maxine: I've seen Rent. I pay rent. I'm sick of rent. Amy: Bookstore? Maxine: Amy? Amy: All right! I have a date on Thursday. David's coming over and I'm cooking. Maxine: You don't cook. Amy: Just because I don't, doesn't mean I can't. Maxine: Means you shouldn't.

Lullaby

Vincent: I'll take 'Amy's Greatest Fear' for 100. What is....You're nothing without the drama? Amy: You can't possibly know that! Vincent: I'm a closet excitement junkie myself. Amy: You think it runs in the family? Vincent: Like liberalism and a fear of clowns.

Consent

[to Lauren] I'm a girl too!

Order and Chaos

Peter: [about Ned] We're raising a genius! Jillian: An adopted genius, nature is a big part of it. Peter: So is nurture.

Order and Chaos

Bruce: Excuse me, I didn't mean to interrupt, but Ted, the Marshall, just said that your mother was arrested. Amy: What!? Bruce: Yeah! He thought we knew. I guess it happened this morning.

Order and Chaos

Amy: [to Vincent] Jimi Hendrix called and he wants his shirt back. Vincent: [Coming back into the room] Well at least my shirt... Amy: It's not a comeback if you have to come back and say it!

Catching It Early

If I told you I was Cheryl Tiegs, would you put me through?...Cheryl Tiegs was a sex icon back in...how old are you?

Catching It Early

Dr. Jacobs: Let's see what we have here [begins breast exam] Amy: [giggles nervously] Sorry. Dr Jacobs: Do you know that you have a rather large mass in your breast? Amy: Yup.

Early Winter

[while hallucinating about her mother, sings]<br>Did you ever go a fishing on a sun-shiny day?<br>Sit on the bank, till the bank gives way.<br>With your hands in your pockets,<br>And your pockets in your pants.<br>Sit on the bank and do a hoochie-coochie dance.

Early Winter

[When Vincent comes in to see how she's doing] Vincent, I already have a pain in my chest, I don't need a larger one in my ass, too.

Early Winter

[When Amy brings her an envelope with her mother's jewelry] This is what a hospital does. It takes a person from you and gives you an envelope in return.

10,000 Steps

Gillian...I want to look at you, I want to hold your hand, I want to talk, and then I want to christen the kitchen.

10,000 Steps

Gillian: Laundry room. Peter: What? Gillian: Two words...spin cycle.

You Don't Know Me

Amy: You know when I turn my chair, you know when I wear pants. It's starting to make the hair on the back of my neck stand up. It's creepy. Bruce: What's creepy is that you have hair on the back of your neck.

You Don't Know Me

By the time it's in school I'll be away in college!

Happy Borthday

[to Jerry] You are a moron of epic proportions!

Happy Borthday

Shelly Cecil: Oh, so that's why she's not answering my emails. Oliver Cecil: Shelly! Shelly Cecil: Of course I understand! I killed my best friend! I saw her lying there. My life is over! I can't go back to school, I can't even walk down the street. I'm a murderer! So do whatever you want with me, okay? Put me in jail for the rest of my life. Make her happy because it's all over! I'm already dead! Amy: Miss Cecil. Shelly. Look at me. Okay, okay, then just listen to me. We're going to get through this, all of us. Oliver Cecil: [Whispered] We'll get through this, okay? Amy: It's not over.

Hard To Get

[to herself in the mirror, wearing Graciela's jacket and cap] You betta step off before I hafta open up a can o' whoop ass.

The Paper War

Sean: If this social worker thing doesn't work out, maybe I can work as a carpenter like, uh, what's-his-name. Maxine: Jesus? Sean: I was thinking Harrison Ford, but...

The Paper War

Rob: [discussing Amy's solution to the "paper war"] How rad, sticking it to the man! Bruce: She IS the man. Rob: Well, then who are we sticking it to? Bruce: My point exactly.

The Paper War

[to the State Attorney] You can have your transfer, but you can shove your apology!

Sorry I Missed You

Diesel: I call this piece "Bars." Another Prisoner: [laughs] Where'd you come up with that one, Dawg?

Sorry I Missed You

I was actually going to skip that exercise and slap a bunch of name tags on you, but I thought slapping you might be bad for me.

Sorry I Missed You

[telling Lauren what she can't do] ...no pink hair or any other color that is not a spawn of this gene pool!... and the only piece of metal that's getting pierced through your body is a tracking device I may get surgically inserted into your neck!

Getting Out

Maxine: I've bought cheesecake! Lauren: Did you buy non-dairy? Maxine: Oh, honey, Grandma doesn't do non-dairy.

My Name is Amy Gray...

Gillian: You are the best mother of the world and Amy knows this. She has learned everything from you. And I'm proud to be in your family. Maxine: Everyone else's mother's always look good.

My Name is Amy Gray...

Amy: You came! Bruce: You called.

Unknown episode

Interior Decorator: Usually I'm so perceptive of people. Come on… what's changed? Maxine: Two weeks ago my fiancée died of a heart attack 48 hours before we were to be wed. Also, I've cut my hair.

Unknown episode

"Never wear fire for a hat"… I haven't any idea what it means. I read it in a bathroom stall once and it stuck with me.

Unknown episode

Maxine: By the way, I'm getting married a week from Saturday. I expect you to be there. Sean Potter: A week from Saturday? Maxine, why are you getting married a week from Saturday? Maxine: So I can have sex, Sean. Why else would anyone get married?