Quotes

Others

Bob's mother: Is it that time of the month? Mrs. Trumper: Nurse Hooper may be short, but she's very devoted. Ute: Fuzzy has just shit all over the carpet! Garcia: I may be the butler, but I'm not the maid! Mrs. Trumper: AHHHHGH! Hooper! Vesta! This is long-term leakage! Ute: I took this job because I only had to cook and clean for one person and one dog. Then I get the mother, the lover, his kids, their dog! Ms. Fisher, up with this bullshit I will not put! I quit!

Dialogue

Mary Fisher: What is it, exactly, that you do, Mr. Patchett? Bob Patchett: I'm a financial consultant. Mary Fisher: Really?! I'm absolutely in awe of men who know how to handle money. I can't even balance my own checkbook. Bob Patchett: Doesn't your accountant do that for you? Mary Fisher: Should he? Bob Patchett: The good ones do.

Dialogue

Bob Patchett: [in awe of Fisher's home] My God, this is fantastic. Mary Fisher: You should see my electric bill. Bob Patchett: I'd love to!

Dialogue

Bob Patchett: [startled] Ruth! What the hell are you doing?! Oh, please, don't start now. My folks will be here soon. Ruth Patchett: I'm not starting anything, I just wanted to weigh myself. Bob Patchett: Yeah, no wonder you're upset.

Dialogue

Bob Patchett: Oh, my God! Andy Patchett: Herbie! Nicolette Patchett: I'm gonna barf. Bob Patchett: Ruth, what the hell is wrong with you?! Ruth Patchett: I'll go get a strainer.

Dialogue

Bob's father: Uh, if you were not in love with her why did you marry her, Bob? Bob Patchett: She was pregnant; YOU MADE ME, DAD! Bob's father: Oh, yeah, right. Bob's mother: Well, marriage is never easy, son.

Dialogue

Bob Patchett: Ruth, where are you going?! Ruth Patchett: I don't know, Bob. Into my future, I guess.

Dialogue

Mrs. Trumper: Let me stress one thing above all else. You must report any damp or smelly beds immediately. Ruth/Vesta Rose: Do you mean... Mrs. Trumper: INCONTINENCE! Bedwetters have no place in the Golden Twilight home!

Dialogue

Nurse Hooper: I know what you've been doing! The vitamins! The workouts! It's against the rules! I'm going to report you to Mrs. Trumper and then you'll be sorry! Ruth/Vesta Rose: I don't think so. I have been sorry my whole life and by the looks of it so have you, so you do whatever you want. It's a shame though, Hooper, I always thought women like us should stick together.

Dialogue

Bob Patchett: Mary, what's wrong? Mary Fisher: Your son and that mongrel are molesting my poodle.

Dialogue

Ruth/Vesta Rose: [taking notice of novel's author] Mary Fisher... any relation? Mrs. Fisher: My daughter. Ruth/Vesta Rose: Oh, how nice! Mrs. Fisher: She's a slut! Bitch keeps me in this dog pound while she lives the life of a princess in her goddamn mansion. Ruth/Vesta Rose: That doesn't seem fair. Mrs. Fisher: I ought to drop in on her one day. That'd scare the shit out of her!

Dialogue

Mary Fisher: Oh, don't you look... what's the matter with your clothes? Nicolette Patchett: You did the laundry. Mary Fisher: Oh yes, must be something wrong with that machine.

Dialogue

Nicolette Patchett: [looks at food] What is it? Mary Fisher: It's potage de creme cresson. Andy Patchett: What's that? Mrs. Fisher: It's French for dog puke.

Dialogue

Bob Patchett: You know Mrs. Fisher, I haven't told you what a wonderful daughter you've got. You did a terrific job in raising her! Mrs. Fisher: You'd never know it the way she treats me! Ms. Famous Writer over there... You would think a 41-year old woman would have learnt to appreciate her mother! Mary Fisher: [angry] You would think that a mother would appreciate the very expensive nursing home her daughter pays for! Bob Patchett: Mary, I th... I thought you were 34? Mary Fisher: [nods] Mrs. Fisher: Ah she's 41, I got the birth certificate to prove it. Mary Fisher: [while simpering] Don't listen to her, she's getting... senile! Mrs. Fisher: [agitated] Bullshit, I remember everything! I remember when you were just a teena... Mary Fisher: [screaming] Nobody's interested in what you remember so you shut up!

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Mrs. Trumper: She doesn't need nursing. She needs TLC. Mary Fisher: What is that? A new drug?

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Journalist: Are you saying she was promiscuous? Mrs. Fisher: Promiscuous? She was a teenage tramp! She couldn't get enough. She'd do it anywhere, anytime, and with anyone!

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Publicist: What's that in your hair? Mary Fisher: Oh! It's a Gummy Bear! [eats it]

Dialogue

Larry: Well Bob, this is serious. You are facing a fine of $200,000. Larry: ...and two to five years in state prison. Only two words can save you now. Bob Patchett: Pay off? Larry: No. Judge Phillips. Bob: Judge Phillips? Larry: We have drawn Judge Phillips and that is good news, very good news indeed. He was my dad's old golfing partner. Judge Phillips has earned a reputation of being, shall we say, considerate to white-collar criminals. We can say a computer bug somehow crept into your system and made errors in these accounts. I will be golfing with him this weekend so we can work out the plan. Besides, since a large part of the money was from Mary's account, it may work. After all, you would not steal from your woman, right? Bob Patchett: Are you sure this can work? Lawyer: Hey, I do not get paid $350 an hour to give bad advice.

Dialogue

Mary Fisher: How shall I inscribe this? Ruth Patchett: Would you sign it, "To Ruth"? Mary Fisher: "To Ruth, With Thanks, Mary Fisher." Ruth Patchett: Thank you. Alain: Would you inscribe it "To Alain", please. Mary Fisher: Bien sur. (Translation: "Of course.") Alain: Your grasp of the Postmodern metaphor is wonderful, Mrs. Fisher. Mary Fisher: Oh, no, no, no. Miss Fisher. (She removes her glasses and begins to flirt) Please, call me...Mary.