Quotes

Serenity (pilot)

We have done the impossible, and that makes us mighty.

Serenity (pilot)

Bendis: We're gonna die. Mal: We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so... very... pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die. Huh? Look at that chiseled jaw!

Serenity (pilot)

Wash [as Stegosaurus]: Yes... yes. This is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... This Land. Wash [as Allosaurus]: I think we should call it... your grave! Wash [as Stegosaurus]: Ah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal! Wash [as Allosaurus]: Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! Now DIE! Wash [as Stegosaurus]: Oh no, God, oh dear God in heaven...

Serenity (pilot)

Wash: Kaylee! Go to blackout! We're being buzzed! Kaylee: Shi [Meaning affirmative]. Going dark. Kaylee: Okay, now I can't get down.

Serenity (pilot)

Book: He's not wildly interested in ingratiating himself with anyone, yet he's very protective of his crew. It's odd. Inara: Why are you so fascinated by him? Book: Because he's something of a mystery. Why are you? Inara: [looks taken aback, then smiles] Because so few men are.

Serenity (pilot)

Zoe: I know something ain't right. Wash: Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right, we'd be in jail.

Serenity (pilot)

Zoe: Sir, we don't want to deal with Patience again. Mal: Why not? Zoe: She shot you. Mal: Well, yeah, she did a bit. Mal: Did you send word to Patience? Wash: Yeah, ain't heard back yet. Didn't she shoot you one time? Mal: Everyone's makin' a fuss!

Serenity (pilot)

Mal: I believe that woman's plannin' to shoot me again. Jayne: Here's a little concept I've been working on. Why don't we shoot her first? Wash: It <i>is</i> her turn.

Serenity (pilot)

Kaylee: You're gonna come with us. Book: Excuse me? Kaylee: You like ships. You don't seem to be lookin' at the destinations. What you care about is the ships, and mine's the nicest. Book: She don't look like much. Kaylee: Oh, she'll fool ya. You ever sailed in a Firefly?

Serenity (pilot)

Jayne, your mouth is talkin'. You might wanna look to that.

Serenity (pilot)

Mal: You will keep a civil tongue in that mouth or I will sew it shut. Is there an understanding between us? Jayne: You don't pay me to talk pretty. Just because Kaylee gets lubed up over some big-city dandy — Mal: Walk away from this table, right now. Simon: What do you pay him for? Mal: What? Simon: I was curious... what is his job on this ship? Mal: ... Public relations.

Serenity (pilot)

Simon: What happens if they board us? Zoe: If they take the ship, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins into their clothing. And if we're very, very lucky? They'll do it in that order.

Serenity (pilot)

Mal: I got to know how close the Alliance is, exactly how much you told them 'fore Wash scrambled your call. So I've given Jayne here the job of finding out. Jayne: [draws a huge knife] He was non-specific as to how. Mal: [to Jayne] Now, you've only got to scare him. Jayne: Pain is scary.

Serenity (pilot)

Jayne: [over radio] Testing. Testing, Cap'n, can you hear me? Mal: [Standing next to Jayne] I'm standing right here. Jayne: You're coming through good and loud. Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.

Serenity (pilot)

Zoe: Don't think it's a good spot sir. She still has the advantage over us. Mal: Everyone usually does. That's what makes us special.

Serenity (pilot)

Zoe: Sir? I'd like you to take the helm, please. I need this man to tear all my clothes off. Wash: Work, work, work...

Serenity (pilot)

Book: I've been out of the abbey two days, I've beaten a lawman senseless, I've fallen in with criminals. I watched the captain shoot the man I swore to protect. And I'm not even sure if I think he was wrong. I believe... I just... I think I'm on the wrong ship. Inara: Maybe. Or maybe you're exactly where you ought to be.

Serenity (pilot)

Mal: But he did try to make a deal with you, right? Jayne: <i>[guilty look on his face, looking at Mal]</i> Mal: How come you didn't turn on me, Jayne? Jayne: [smiling] Money wasn't good enough. Mal: What happens when it is? Jayne: Well, that'll be an interesting day. Mal: I imagine it will.

Serenity (pilot)

Simon: I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can... How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep? Mal: You don't know me, son, so let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake, you'll be facing me, and you'll be armed. Simon: Are you always this sentimental? Mal: I had a good day. Simon: You had the Alliance on you... criminals and savages... half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded, including yourself... and you're harboring known fugitives. Mal: We're still flying. Simon: That's not much. Mal: It's enough.

The Train Job

Lund: You know, your coat is kinda a brownish color... Mal: It was on sale. [Calmly sips his drink] Lund: You didn't toast. You know, I'm thinkin' you one of 'em In'e'pen'ents. Mal: And I'm thinkin' you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling. So why don't we just ignore each other until we go away? Lund: The In'e'pen'ents were a bunch of cowardly, inbred piss-pots. Should've been killed off of every world spinnin'. Mal: [Turns] Say that to my face. Lund: I said you're a coward and a piss-pot. Now what are you gonna do about it? Mal: [Smiling] Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you. Mal: Drunks are so cute.

The Train Job

[Over intercom to Lund and other Alliance supporters] Every man there go back inside, or we will blow a new crater in this little moon.

The Train Job

Mal: [To Shepherd Book] Shouldn't you be off bringing religiosity to the fuzzy-wuzzies or some such? Book: Oh, I've got heathens aplenty right here.

The Train Job

Inara: Physical appearance doesn't matter so terribly. You look for compatibility of spirit. There's an energy about a person that's difficult to hide.You try to feel that — Mal: [Entering Inara's shuttle] And then you try to feel the energy of their credit account, it has a sort of...aura... Inara: What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle? Mal: That it was manly and impulsive? Inara: Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was, "Don't." Mal: Well, you're holding my mechanic in thrall. And Kaylee! What the hell is goin' on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?

The Train Job

Mal: I'm not sure you'd be safe. Inara: Mal, if you're being a gentleman, I may die of shock. Mal: Hm. [Bows and leaves, then reenters] Have you got time to do my hair? Inara: [Sternly] Out.

The Train Job

Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.

The Train Job

Mal: Hell, this job I would pull for free. Zoe: Then can I have your share? Mal: No! Zoe: If you die can I have your share? Mal: Yes.

The Train Job

Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til you understand who's in ruttin' command here! Now we're finishing this deal, and then maybe, maybe we'll come back for those morons... got themselves caught... and you can't change that by getting all... bendy. Wash: All what? Jayne: You got the light... from the console to keep you... lifting you up... they shine like... [Starts grabbing at the air] little angels... Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep? Simon: I told him to sit down.

The Train Job

Mal: Nice shot. Jayne: [Slurred] I was aimin' for his head.

The Train Job

Sheriff Bourne: You were truthful back in town. These are tough times. A man can get a job, he might not look too close at what that job is. But a man learns all the details of a situation like ours... well... then he has a choice. Mal: I don't believe he does.

The Train Job

Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You give it back to him, tell him the job didn't work out. We're not thieves... well, we are thieves, but the point is we're not taking what's his. We'll stay out of his way as best we can from here on in. You'll explain that's best for everyone, okay? Crow: [Stands up] Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go, or how far you fly, I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade. Mal: Darn. [Kicks Crow into Serenity's engine intake] Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance&mdash; Henchman: Oh, I get it! I'm good. Best thing for everybody. [Desperate grin] I'm right there with you.

Bushwhacked

Simon: Oh yes, he's a real beast. [looks at Jayne] It's a wonder you're still alive. Jayne: Looked bigger when I couldn't see him.

Bushwhacked

Reavers ain't men&mdash;or they forgot how to be.

Bushwhacked

Harken: You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war? Zoe: Fought with a lot of people in the war. Harken: And your husband? Zoe: Fight with him sometimes, too. Harken: Is there any particular reason you don't wish to discuss your marriage? Zoe: Don't see that it's any of your business, is all. We're very private people. Wash: The legs! [laughs] Oh yeah, definitely have to say it was her legs. You can put that down. Her legs, and right where her legs... meet her back. Tha&mdash; actually, that whole area. That, and... and above it. [...] Have you seen what she wears? Forget about it. Have you ever been with a warrior woman?

Bushwhacked

Mal: That poor bastard you took off my ship. He looked right into the face of it&mdash;was made to stare. Harken: "It"? Mal: That darkness. Kind of darkness you can't even imagine. Blacker than the space it moves through. Harken: Very poetic. Mal: They made him watch. He probably tried to turn away, and they wouldn't let him. You call him a survivor? He's not. A man comes up against that kind of will, the only way to deal with it, I suspect, is to become it.

Bushwhacked

Jayne: You save his gorram life, he still takes the cargo. Hwoon dahn. Mal: He had to. Couldn't let us profit. Wouldn't be civilized. Zoe: Proximity alert. We must be comin' up on something. Wash: Oh my god. What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying this thing?! (pause) Oh, right, that would be me. Back to work. (hands ball to Mal and leaves) Kaylee: So I guess it makes us one man short. Jayne: Yeah, little Kaylee's always one man short. (Kaylee punches him) Ow! Hey! Jayne: Tell you what I think. I figure that fellow we run into did everyone on board. Killed 'em all. Then he decided to take a swim, see how fast his blood would boil out his ears. Wash: You're a very up person. Mal: We'll check it out, see if there are any survivors. And if not, well, then, no one's gonna mind if we take a look around, see if there's not something of value they might've left behind. Jayne: Yeah, no, uh, someone could be hurt!

Shindig

Inara: I like watching the game. As with other situations, the key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back. Inara: Mal! Mal: Oh, terrible shame. 'Course, they won't discover it till they go order their next round of drinks. Slaver: Wei. Mal: [out loud] Good drinker, that one.

Shindig

Zoe: Planet's coming up a mite fast. Wash: That's just 'cause&mdash; I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all. Mal: Well, that happens, let me know.

Shindig

Mal: It sounds like the finest party I can imagine getting paid to go to. Inara: I don't suppose you'd find it up to [the] standards of your outings. More conversation, and somewhat less... petty theft and getting hit with pool cues.

Shindig

Kaylee: Look at the fluffy one! Zoe: Too much foofaraw. If I'm gonna wear a dress, I want something with some slink. Wash: You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress? Jayne: I'll chip in. Zoe: I can hurt you.

Shindig

Course you couldn't buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle. I've got my hands on a couple. Of invites!

Shindig

Badger: You think you're better than other people! Mal: Just the ones I'm better than.

Shindig

Mal: Does, uh... does this seem kind of tight? Kaylee: Shows off your backside. Did you see the chandelier? It's hovering. Mal: What's the point of that, I wonder? Kaylee: Oh, mangos! Mal: I mean, I see how they did it. I just ain't getting why. Kaylee: These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How 'bout that? [grins] Mal: Yeah, well just be careful. We cheated Badger out of good money to buy that frippery and you're supposed to make me look respectable. Kaylee: Yes, sir, Cap'n Tightpants.

Shindig

Mal: Okay, help me find our man. He's supposed to be older, kind of stocky, wears a red sash crossways. Kaylee: [seeing a large bowl of strawberries being carried past her] [absently] Why does he do that? Mal: Maybe he won first place in the Miss Persephone pageant; just help me look. Kaylee: [entirely focused on the bowl] Is that him? Mal: That's the buffet table. Kaylee: Well, how can we be sure, u-unless we question it? [grins] Mal: Fine. Don't make yourself sick.

Shindig

Wash: Don't fall asleep now. Sleepiness is weakness of character, ask anyone. Zoe: It is not! Wash: You're acting Captain. You know what happens, you fall asleep? Zoe: Jayne slits my throat and takes over? Wash: That's right. Zoe: And we can't stop it? Wash: I wash my hands of it. Hopeless case. I'll read a nice poem at the funeral. Something with imagery. Zoe: You could lock the door. Keep the power-hungry maniac at bay. Wash: Don't know. I'm starting to like this poetry thing. "Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower... somewhat less attractive now that she's all corpsified and gross&mdash;" [Zoe hits him with a pillow]

Shindig

Sir Warrick: I know him. And I think he's a psychotic low-life. Mal: And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic low-life community.

Shindig

Kaylee: Don't you just love this party? Everything's so fancy and they have some kind of hot cheese over there! Cabott: It's not as good as last year. Kaylee: Oh really? What's they have last year? Cabott: Standards.

Shindig

Mal: And I never back down from a fight. Inara: Yes, you do! You do all the time! Mal: Well... yeah, but I'm not backing down from this one!

Shindig

Inara: You don't need strength as much as speed. We're fragile creatures. It takes less than a pound of pressure to cut skin. Mal: You know that? They teach you that in whore academy? Inara: You have a strange sense of nobility, Captain. You'll lay a man out for implying I'm a whore, but you keep calling me one to my face. Mal: I might not show respect to your job, but he didn't respect you. That's the difference. Inara, he doesn't even see you. Inara: Well, I guess death will solve the issue to everyone's satisfaction.

Shindig

Badger: Who's that, then? Here, look at me. What's your story, love? Simon: She's just a... just a passenger. Badger: Yeah? Why ain't she talkin'? Got a secret? Simon: No, I'm&mdash; River: [suddenly speaking in Badger's own Cockney accent] Sure. I got a secret. More'n one. Don't seem like I'd tell 'em to you, now, do it? Anyone off Dyton colony knows better'n to talk to strangers. [pokes Badger in the chest] You're talkin' loud enough for the both of us, ain't ya? I've met a dozen like you. Skipped off home early. Minor grift jobs here and there. Spent some time in the lockdown, but less than you claim. And you're what? A petty thief with delusions o' standing? Sad little king of a sad little hill. Badger: Nice to see someone from the old homestead. River: Not really. [to Simon] Call me if anyone interesting shows up. [Leaves] Badger: [grinning] I like her.

Shindig

Inara: You're always breaking the rules, no matter which society you're in! You don't get along with ordinary criminals either, which is why you're constantly getting in trouble! Mal: You think following the rules will buy you a nice life, even if the rules make you a slave.

Shindig

Sir Warrick: You have to finish it, lad. [Mal doesn't move] You have to finish it. For a man to lay beaten, yet breathing? It makes him a coward. Inara: It's humiliation. Mal: It would be humiliating, having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man. Mal: Guess I'm just a good man. Mal: Well, I'm all right.

Shindig

Inara: Are you in pain? Mal: Absolutely. I got stabbed, you know, right here. [shows bandaged wound in his side] Inara: [squeamishly] Eh&mdash; I saw. Mal: Don't care much for fancy parties. Too rough. Inara: It wasn't entirely a disaster. Mal: I got stabbed! Right here! Inara: You also lined up exciting new crime.

Shindig

Mal: Don't take his offer. Inara: What? Mal: Don't do it. 'Cause in the case that it happens, that means he's a fella who killed me, and I don't like fellas who kill me, not in general. I said before I don't have call to stop you, and that's true. Anyways, don't.

Safe

Young River: We got outflanked by the Independent squad, and we're never gonna make it back to our platoon. [pauses] We need to resort to cannibalism. Young Simon: That was fast. Don't we have rations or anything? Young River: That's wrong. Young Simon: It's from the book, River. Young River: No, the book is wrong. This whole conclusion is fallacious.

Safe

I will not have it in my house. But, since your mother's already ordered you one, I guess I should give up the fantasy that this is my house!

Safe

Mal: So, she's added cussing and hurling-about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy. Simon: It's just a bad day. Mal: No, a "bad day" is when someone's yellin' spooks the cattle. Understand? You ever see cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It's kind of like a… a meat grinder. And it'll lose us half the herd. Simon: She hasn't gone anywhere near the cattle. Mal: No, but in case you hadn't noticed, her voice kinda carries. We're two miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed&mdash;although I would take it as a kindness if she didn't. River: The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems. Mal: See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.

Safe

Jayne: About time you broke in them fancy shoes. Hyah! Get along! Mal: You know, they walk just as easy if you lead 'em. Jayne: I like smackin' 'em. Zoe: Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it something smaller. Wash: Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles.

Safe

River: They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky, and they remember what they are. Mal: Is it bad that what she said made perfect sense to me?

Safe

I'm very sorry if she tipped off anyone about your cunningly concealed herd of cows.

Safe

Inara: Does it seem every supply store on every border planet has the same five rag dolls and the same wood carvings of... what is this? A duck? Kaylee: That's a swan. I like it. Inara: You do? Kaylee: Looks like it was made with… you know, longing. Made by a person really longed to see a swan. Inara: Perhaps because they'd only heard of them by rough description.

Safe

Simon: It's fun, being forced to the ass-end of the galaxy. To get to live on a piece of luh-suh wreck. And we eat molded protein! And be bullied around by our pyen juh duh jiou cha[o] w[r]en of a captain. That's fun. Kaylee: "Luh-suh"?! Serenity ain't "Luh-suh".

Safe

Mal: This is the last time. Last time with cows. Hey, there was an idea regarding beagles? They have smallish droppings? Zoe: I believe so, sir. Also, your disreputable men are here. Mal: Better go take their money.

Safe

Book: That's... that's quite a lot of blood, isn't it? Mal: Just means you ain't dead. Book: 'Fraid I might be needing a preacher. Mal: That's good. You just lie there and be ironical.

Safe

We're lost. Lost in the woods.

Safe

Knew a man who had a hole clean through his whole shoulder, once. Used to keep a spare hankie in there.

Safe

"Dear Diary: Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. [flips page] Today we were kidnapped by hill folk, never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."

Safe

Simon: Did you have a good time at the D'Arbanville's ball? Gabriel Tam: What are you-? Simon: River thought it was duller than last year. But since we don't know anyone named D'Arbanville, I'm having trouble judging.

Safe

Zoe: Cap'n'll come up with a plan. Kaylee: Well, that's good. Right? Zoe: Possible you're not recalling some of his previous plans.

Safe

Zoe: You sanguine about the kind of reception we're apt to receive on an Alliance ship, Cap'n? Mal: Absolutely. [pauses] What's "sanguine" mean? Zoe: "Sanguine". Hopeful. Plus, point of interest: it also means "bloody". Mal: Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don't it?

Safe

Your official seal is out of date, Captain... Harbatken?

Safe

Alliance Commander: We aren't an emergency facility, Captain. Our services aren't available simply to anyone— Book: Com… mander… my… ident card. Alliance Commander: Get this man to the infirmary at once.

Safe

Doralee: A place like this might be good for your sister. Quiet, safe… a place where folks take care of each other. Simon: Mmm, yes. Seems like a lovely little community of kidnappers.

Safe

Doralee: It's the way of life in my findings that journeys end when and where they want to; and that's where you make your home. Simon: This isn't our home. Doralee: If it isn't here, where is it?

Safe

This place gives me an uncomfortableness.

Safe

River: I get confused. I remember everything. I remember too much. And... some of it's made up, and... some of it can't be quantified, and... there's secrets... and... Simon: It's okay. River: But I understand. You gave up everything you had to find me. You found me broken. It's hard for you. [breaking] You gave up everything you had. Simon: Mei-mei. Everything I have... is right here. River: We won't be here long. Daddy will come, and take us home. And I'll get better. I'll get better.

Safe

It's been a big day, what with the abduction, and all.

Safe

Doralee: "And they shall be among the people, and they shall speak truths and whisper secrets, and you will know them by their crafts." Simon: What are you talking about? Doralee: "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live!"

Safe

Gabriel Tam: Have you completely lost your mind? Simon: Pretty nearly. Gabriel Tam: We got the wave at the Friedlichs. I had to leave your mother at the dinner table! Simon: I'm sorry, Dad. You know I would never have tried to save River's life if I had known there was a dinner party at risk!

Safe

Are you coming home?

Safe

Mal: They let us come, and they let us go. What kind of ident card gets us that kind of reception and send-off? Book: I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God. Mal: No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged.

Safe

It's good to be home.

Safe

Simon: She has done nothing to you! If she dies tonight, it won't be God's will that killed her! It'll be you! Your lunacy, your... ignorance! Simon: Light it. River: Time to go. Mal: Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us? Zoe: Big damn heroes, sir. Mal: Ain't we just? [Moves to front of crowd, covers them with shotgun.] Sorry to interrupt, folks, but y'all got something that belongs to us, and we'd like it back. Patron: This is a holy cleansing. You cannot think to thwart God's will. Mal: Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? I'm not saying you weren't easy to find. [But] It was kinda out of our way, and he didn't want to come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really, it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting. Mal: Gotta say, Doctor, your talent for alienatin' folks is near miraculous. Simon: Yes, I'm very proud. Mal: Cut her down! Patron: The girl is a witch. Mal: Yeah, b

Safe

Simon: So, finally a decent wound on this ship, and I miss out. I'm sorry. Mal: Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens.

Safe

Simon: Captain, why did you come back for us? Mal: You're on my crew. Simon: Yeah, but you don't even like me. Why'd you come back? Mal: You're on my crew. Why're we still talking about this?

Safe

So then the Shepherd says to the Companion, "Well, a good goat'll do that."

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Bandit: You gonna give us what's due us. And every damn thing else on that boat. And I think maybe you gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus. Jayne: Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature. Mal: How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people? Jayne: If I could make you prettier I would! Mal: You are not the man I met a year ago! Mal: Now think real hard. You been bird-doggin' this township awhile now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now, you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Inara: So… explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress? Mal: Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. Besides, them soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. There's a whole… airflow. Inara: And you'd know that because…? Mal: You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I am a mystery. Inara: [laughs] Best keep it that way. I withdraw the question.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Mal: [aside, to Jayne, upon hearing he is married] How drunk was I last night? Jayne: I 'unno, I passed out. Mal: Right.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Mal: Zoe, would you get Wash? Zoë: [on the intercom] This is Zoe. We need all personnel in the cargo bay. Mal: "All"? I said Wash! Zoe: Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss. Mal: There's no bliss. I don't know this girl! Jayne: Then can I know her? Zoe: Jayne! Don't sully this. Mal: You are going to be cleaning out latrines with your face if you don't cut that out.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Wash: You brute. Kaylee: Oh, sweetie, don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He's like a monster. Mal: I'm not a monster!

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back! Wife or no, you are no one's property to be tossed aside. You got the right same as anyone to live and try to kill people.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Book: If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of Hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater. Mal: Preacher, you got a smutty mind! Book: Perhaps I spoke out of turn. Mal: Per-maybe-haps, I'm thinking! Book: I apologize. I'll make her up a room in passenger dorm. Mal: Good! Book: [walking away, pauses and looks back at Mal] The special hell.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Wash: Is there any more where that came from? Saffron: [to Mal] I didn't think to make enough for your friends... [to Zoe] But everything's laid out if you'd like to cook for your husband. Wash: [nervously] Z&mdash; heh-heh... Isn't she quaint? I'm just not hungry. Zoe: So… are you enjoying your own nubile little slave girl? Mal: She wanted to make me dinner. Well, at least she's not cryin'. Wash: I might. Did she really make fresh bao? Wash: ...Quaint! Zoe: Remember that sex we were planning to have, ever again?

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Mal: I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume I'm an evil, lecherous hump. Zoe: No one's saying that, sir. Wash: Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese. My hand to God. Baby geese. Goslings. They were juggled.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Jayne: Six men came to kill me one time. The best of 'em carried this. It's a Callahan full-bore auto-lock. Customized trigger. Double cartridge thorough gauge. It is my very favorite gun. Mal: Da-shiong bao-jah-shr duh la doo-tze... Are you offering me a trade? Jayne: A trade? Hell, that's theft! This is the best damn gun made by man. It has extreme sentimental value. It's miles more worthy'n what you got. Mal: What I got? She has a name! Jayne: So does this! [caresses the gun lovingly] I call it Vera. Mal: Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly comin' to a middle.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Jayne, go play with your rainstick.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Saffron: But we've been wed. Aren't… we to become one flesh? Mal: Well, no, uh… we're still two fleshes here, and... I think... that your flesh oughta… sleep somewhere else. Saffron: I'm sorry. When we talked, I'd hoped, but I&mdash; Mal: Whoa, hey! Flesh. Um... Saffron... i-it... it ain't a question of pleasing me. It's more a question of what's... Mal: ...um... of what's morally right. Saffron: I do know my Bible, sir. [Recites a fictional bible verse] "On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow, and he shall work in her, in and again, till she bring him to his fall, and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast." Mal: Whoa. Good Bible. Mal: ...it's been a while&mdash;a long, damn while&mdash;since anybody but me took ahold of my plow… Saffron: If I'm wed, I'm a woman, and I'll take your leave to be bold. I want this. I swell to think of you in me. Saffron: And I see that you do, too. Mal: Oh, th-th— that's just, uh... Saffron: Leave me

Our Mrs. Reynolds

[After kissing Saffron he begins rubbing his mouth] Son of a... [falls over unconscious]

Our Mrs. Reynolds

[After kissing Mal when she discovers he is not dead. She begins rubbing her mouth in a similar way] Oh you stupid son of a... [she also falls over unconscious]

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Saffron: Do you know the myth of Earth-That-Was? Wash: Not so much. Saffron: That when she was born, she had no sky, and was open, inviting. And the stars would rush into her, through the skin of her… Wash: Huh. Saffron: ...making the oceans boil with sensation. And when she could endure no more ecstasy, she puffed up her cheeks and blew out the sky. Wash: Whoa. Good myth. Saffron: Make this night what it should be. Please? Show me the stars. Wash: Wuh duh ma huh ta duh fung-kwong duh wai-shung doh... I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not… married, not... madly in love with a beautiful woman who... can... kill me with her pinkie!

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Inara: Come to my shuttle. Saffron: You would... lie with me? Inara: ...I think we've lied enough. Saffron: You're good. Inara: You're amazing. Who are you? Saffron: [sneers arrogantly] Malcolm Reynolds' widow.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Simon: They called it the "good-night" kiss. Zoe: So you two were kissin'? Book: Well, isn't that... special [Referring to the "special hell" he threatend Mal with when he would take sexual advantage of "Saffron"]?

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Zoe: If she can fly this thing, why just take the shuttle? Wash: Maybe she likes shuttles. Wash: Some people juggle geese!

Our Mrs. Reynolds

That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Mal: You woulda kissed her too. Zoe: Wash didn't. Mal: But she was naked! And all... articulate! Wash: Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

See, Vera? Dress yourself up, you get taken out somewhere fun.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Wash: Captain, don't you know kissin' girls makes you sleepy? Mal: Sometimes, I just can't help myself.

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Mal: Honey, I'm home. Mal: Looks like you get that wedding night after all. Mal: It's the first time, darlin', I think you should be gentle with me. Saffron: You gonna kill me? Mal: Can you conjure up a terribly compelling reason for me not to? Saffron: I didn't kill you. Mal: You handed me and my crew over to those that would kill us. That buys you nothing. Saffron: [smiles] I made you dinner. Mal: Why the act? All the seduction games, the dancin' around folk, there has to be an easier way to steal. Saffron: You're assuming the point is the paycheck. Mal: I'm not assuming anything at this point. Saffron: How'd you find me? Mal: Only a couple places that shuttle would make it to from where you left… happy to find it intact. Saffron: You're quite a man, Malcolm Reynolds. [Seductively] I've been waiting a long time for someone good enough to take me down. Mal: Saffron, you even think about playing me again I will riddle you with holes. Saffron: Everybody plays each other. That's all anyb

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Mal: You're a very graceful woman, Inara. Inara: [surprised] I... thank you Mal: So here's where I'm fuzzy. You got by that girl, came and found me, and somehow you happen to just trip and fall. Inara: What do you mean? Mal: Come on, Inara. How's about we don't play. You didn't just trip, did you? Inara: No. Mal: Well, isn't that something. Mal: I knew you let her kiss you.

Jaynestown

Simon: I swear... when it's appropriate. Kaylee: Simon, the whole point of swearing is that it ain't appropriate.

Jaynestown

Bye now. Have good sex. What?

Jaynestown

Simon: What... happened in here? Jayne: Needed to find some tape. Simon: So you had to tear my infirmary apart? Jayne: [Looks around himself] Apparently. Simon: My God. You're like a trained ape... without the training!

Jaynestown

Mal: Jayne, I told you we were settin' down on the Canton factory settlement on Higgins' Moon? Jayne: Yep, that ya did. Mal: Canton don't allow guns in their town. Jayne: Yes sir, s'why I ain't strappin' one to my hip. Mal: No, that's why you ain't strappin' one anywhere. Jayne: Oh, listen Mal, I was in Canton a few years back. Might've made me a few enemies thereabouts. Simon: [sarcastically] Enemies? You? No, how can it be?

Jaynestown

Simon: Canton really... stinks. Mal: That's what makes it such a good drop point. No one comes through here that doesn't have to. Wash: I vote we do this job really really fast.

Jaynestown

Mal: The management here don't take too kindly to sightseers, [which is] why we're posin' as buyers. There ain't-a one of us looks the part more than the good doctor. I mean, the pretty fits, soft hands, definitely a moneyed individual. All rich and lily-white, pasty all over&mdash; Simon: All right! Fine, I'll go. Just... stop describing me. Mal: You're the boss, boss. Jayne: He's the boss now? [sarcastically] This day just keeps gettin' better and better.

Jaynestown

Foreman: We've over 2,000 workers, mostly indentured. We pay them next to nothing. That way, we can pass the savings directly on to you, the customer. Simon: Yes. I... I-I've heard great, uh... um, uh... things about mud... Wash: What happened to Simon? Who is this diabolical master of disguise?

Jaynestown

Wash: You haven't been here in years, Jayne. You really think you need that getup? No one's gonna remember you. Mal: I think it's possible they might. Simon: Son of a bitch! Mal: You wanna tell me how come there's a statue here, lookin' at me like I owe him something? Jayne: Wishin' I could, cap'n. Mal: No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me...? Jayne: Look, Mal, I got no ruttin' idea! I was here a few years back, like I said. Pulled a second-story, stole a lotta scratch from the magistrate up on the hill. But things went way south. I had to hightail it. They don't... put you on a pedestal in town square for that. Mal: Yeah, 'cept I'm looking at some fair compellin' evidence says they do. Simon: This must be what going mad feels like.

Jaynestown

Wash: I think they captured him, though. Captured his essence. Kaylee: He looks sorta angry, don't he? Wash: That's kinda what I meant.

Jaynestown

Jayne: Hey, I got an idea. Instead of us hanging around playing art critic till I get pinched by the Man, how's about we move away from this eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our 'creasingly eerie-ass day, how's that? Mal: I don't know. This here's a spectacle that might warrant a moment's consideration. Kaylee: [shifting back and forth] Wherever I move to, his eyes keep... followin' me.

Jaynestown

Inara: Magistrate Higgins, I may presume. Higgins: You may. But I only make the people I own use my title. Mister Higgins will do fine.

Jaynestown

Book: What are we up to, sweetheart? River: Fixing your Bible. Book: I, um... What? River: Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics... doesn't make sense. Book: No, no. You&mdash;you can't... River: So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem. Book: Really? River: We'll have to call it "early quantum state phenomenon". Only way to fit 5,000 species of mammals on the same boat. Book: River, you don't... fix the Bible. River: It's broken. It doesn't make sense. Book: It's not about... making sense. It's about believing in something. And letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you.

Jaynestown

Jayne: Can't be a statue of me, no reason for it. Flies in the face of every kinda sense. Wash: Won't argue with that. [Drinks, then spits it out] Je shr shuh muh lan dong shi?! Jayne: Mm. They call it "Mudder's milk". All the protein, vitamins and carbs of your grandma's best turkey dinner, plus fifteen percent alcohol.

Jaynestown

[singing] He robbed from the rich and he gave to the poor / Stood up to the man and he gave him what-for / Our love for him now ain't hard to explain / The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne!

Jaynestown

Mal: Uh, Jayne? Jayne: Yeah, Mal? Mal: You got any light you'd like to shed on this particular development? Jayne: No, Mal. Simon: No. This must be what going mad feels like. Wash: We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm a hero!

Jaynestown

Simon: I&mdash; I reattached a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town. Kaylee: Hamsters is nice. Simon: To Jayne! The box-dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.

Jaynestown

[singing] "The hero of Canton, the man they call 'me'." [speaking] Eggs! Living legend needs eggs!

Jaynestown

River: They say the snow on the roof is too heavy. They say the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger. Book: River? Please, why don't you come on out? River: No! Can't. Too much hair. Book: Is&mdash; is that it? Zoe: Hell, yes, preacher. If I didn't have stuff to get done, I'd be in there with her. Zoe: River, honey, he's putting the hair away now. River: Doesn't matter. It'll still be there. Waiting.

Jaynestown

[overcome by emotion] You guys had a riot... on account of me? My very own riot?

Jaynestown

Mal: So, that's where the little "Jayne Day Celebration" we got planned comes in. Should give us enough time to get the goods back onto Serenity. Jayne: I don't know. You think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks? Mal: You better laugh when you say that. Jayne: No, really, Mal, I mean, maybe there's something to this. The Mudders? I think I really made a difference in their lives. You know, me, Jayne Cobb. Mal: I know your name, jackass!

Jaynestown

Fess: He stole a ton of money from my dad and gave it to the poor, to my father's workers. He's become kind of a folk hero in Canton. Inara: Go on. Fess: Well, he's back. Apparently, he landed here yesterday. Inara: Yesterday? [to herself] Oh, no. [to Fess] I-I know this man. He's... He just has this idiotic sense of nobility, you know? He can never just let things go. He thinks he's this hard-hearted criminal, and he can be unrelenting, but... there's a side to him that's just so... Fess: You mean you actually know... Jayne? Inara: Jayne? Jayne Cobb? You're talking about Jayne Cobb?

Jaynestown

[Addressing the collected Mudders] Far as I see it, you people been given the shortest end of the stick ever been offered a human soul in this crap-heel 'Verse. But you took that end, and you... [pause] Well, you took it. And that's... Well, I guess that's somethin'.

Jaynestown

Stitch: For six months, we run together. He turned me out 'fore I could scream! Jayne: You'd-a done the same. Stitch: No. Never. You protect the man you're with. You watch his back! Everybody knows that! Well, except the "hero of Canton".

Jaynestown

All of you! You think there's someone just gonna drop money on ya?! Money they could use?! Well, there ain't people like that. There's just people like me.

Jaynestown

Just keep walkin', preacher-man.

Jaynestown

Simon: I mean, my way of being... polite, or however it's... Well, it's the only way I have of... showing you... that I like you... of showing respect. Kaylee: So, when... we made love last night&mdash; Simon: When we what?! Kaylee: You really are such an easy mark.

Jaynestown

Jayne: Hell, there weren't a-one of them understood what happened out there; they're... probably stickin' that statue right back up. Mal: Most like. Jayne: I don't know why that eats at me so. Mal: It's my estimation that... every man ever got a statue made of him was one kind of sumbitch or another. Ain't about you, Jayne. It's about what they need.

Out of Gas

Zoe: You paid money for this, sir? On purpose? Mal: Whoa! Come on, seriously, Zoe. What d' you think? Zoe: Honestly, sir, I think you got robbed Mal: Robbed? What? What d' you mean? Zoe: It's a piece of fay-yoo. Mal: Fay-yoo? Ah... ah... OK, she won't be winning any beauty contests anytime soon, but she is solid. Ship like this, be with you till the day you die. Zoe: Because it's a death trap. Mal: That's not- You are very much lacking in imagination! Zoe: I imagine that's so, sir. Mal: Try to see past what she is, and on to what she can be. Zoe: What's that, sir? Mal: Freedom, is what. Zoe: [pointing] I meant, what's that? Mal: Oh. Yeah, just step around that. I think somethin' must've been livin' in here.

Out of Gas

Mal: Tell you, Zoe, we get a mechanic, get her up and runnin' again, hire a good pilot, maybe a cook. Live like real people. Small crew, them as feel the need to be free, take jobs as they come. Ain't never have to be under the heel of nobody ever again. No matter how long the arm of the Alliance might get, we'll just get ourselves a little further. Zoe: Get her running again? Mal: Yeah. Zoe: So not running now? Mal: Not so much.

Out of Gas

Wash: Monastic humor. I miss out on all the fun. Jayne: [interrupting] Now, Inara - she's gotta have some funny whorin' stories, I'd wager. Inara: [laughing] Do I ever! Funny and sexy. [laughs] You have no idea... [suddenly serious] and you never will. Simon: How did… how'd you know? River, did you...? River: "Day" is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable. [pauses] I didn't get you anything. Kaylee: Hope you like it. Couldn't get ahold of no flour, so it's mostly protein. In fact, it's pretty much what we just had for dinner. [everyone laughs] But I tried to make the frosting as chocolate-y tasting as possible, so. Simon: Thank you. I'm really, I'm, um, very, very deeply moved. Thank you. Jayne: Well... deeply move yourself to blow out them candles so we can try a slice.

Out of Gas

Kaylee: Catalyzer on the port compression coil blew. It's where the trouble started. Mal: 'Kay, I need that in captain dummy-talk, Kaylee. Kaylee: We're dead in the water. Mal: How long? Kaylee: Couple of hours, maybe. We'll start to feel it… then we won't feel nothin' at all.

Out of Gas

Simon: Suffocation's not exactly the most dignified way to go. The human body will involuntarily- Inara: Please, I don't really require a clinical description right now. Simon: I'm sorry. I just, uh... It was my birthday.

Out of Gas

River: Don't be afraid. That's what it says. Don't be afraid. Book: Yes. River: But you are afraid. Book: Yes. River: You're afraid we're going to run out of air, that we'll die gasping. But we won't. That's not going to happen. River: We'll freeze to death first.

Out of Gas

Mal: I'm gettin' a little weary of this attitude, Wash. Wash: [chuckling] Are you? Well, I'm so very sorry, sir. I guess the news that we're all gonna be purple and bloated and fetal in a few hours has made me a little snippy. Wash: What do you expect me to do, Mal? Mal: Whatever you have to! And if you can't do it from here, then get a suit on and go outside on the side of the boat— Wash: And what?! Wave my arms around? Mal: Wave your arms around, jump up and down, divert the navsats to the transmitter - whatever. Wash: Divert the— Right! Because teenage pranks are fun when you're about to die! Mal: Give the beacon a boost, wouldn't it? Wash: Yes, Mal! It would boost the signal. But even if some passerby did happen to receive, all it would do is muck up their navigation! Mal: Could be that's true. Wash: Damn right, it's true! They'd be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could even go anyplace. Wash: Well, maybe I should do that then! Mal: Maybe you should! Wash: Ok! Mal

Out of Gas

Mal: Bester - get your prairie harpy off my boat, and put us back in the air. Bester: Okay-y, but... can't. Mal: What do you mean, "can't"? Bester: No can do, Cap. Secondary grav boot's shot. Kaylee: No, it ain't! Ain't nothing wrong with your grav boot. Grav boot's just fine. [waves to Mal] Hello! Bester: She doesn't... eh, that's not what... [to Kaylee] No it ain't! Kaylee: Sure it is! Grav boot ain't your trouble. I seen the trouble plain as day when I was down there on my back before. Your reg couple's bad. Mal: You got much experience with a vessel like this? Kaylee: I never even been up in one before. Mal: Wanna? Kaylee: You mean... Mal: Sure. Kaylee: For how long? Mal: Long as you like. Long as you can keep her in the sky. Kaylee: You offerin' me a job? Bester: W-w-w—what? Mal: Believe I just did. Kaylee: [grins] I just gotta ask my folks. [starts to leave, turns back] Don't leave without me! [runs off] Bester: Mal! What do you need two mechanics for? Mal: [Turning and leaving t

Out of Gas

Sometimes a thing gets broke, can't be fixed.

Out of Gas

Mal: If it's Alliance trouble you got, you might want to consider another ship. Some on board here fought for the Independents. Inara: The Alliance has no quarrel with me. I supported unification. Mal: Did ya? Well, I don't suppose you're the only whore that did. Inara: [smiling] Oh, one further addendum. That's the last time you get to call me "whore". Mal: Absolutely. Never again.

Out of Gas

Mal: I'm not leaving Serenity. Inara: Mal, you don't have to die alone. Mal: Everybody dies alone.

Out of Gas

Marco: Reason? He's gonna talk to us about reason now. Jayne: Yeah, that's a joke. Mal: Which one you figure tracked us? Zoe: The ugly one, sir. Mal: [nods, pauses] Could you be more specific? Marco: Do we look reasonable to you? Mal: Well, looks can be deceiving. Jayne: Not as deceiving as a low-down... dirty... deceiver. Mal: Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe? Zoe: Had a kind o' poetry to it, sir. Mal: Look, forget anything I said. I'm sure you're treated very well. You get the perks, got your own room. Mal: No? You share a bunk? Jayne: [indicates third bandit] With that one. Mal: [smirks] Really. Marco: Jayne, this ain't funny! Jayne: Huh, yeah, I ain't laughing. Mal: You move on over to this side, we'll not only show you where the stuff's at, we'll see to [it] you get your fair share. Not no sad seven [percent]. Jayne: [interest piqued] Private room? Marco: Jayne! Mal: Your own room. Full run of the kitchen. Whole shot. Marco: Jayne, I ain't asking- Jayne: [shoots Marco in the

Out of Gas

Captain: You woulda done the same. Mal: We can already see I haven't. Now get the hell off my ship.

Out of Gas

Zoe: Welcome back, sir. Mal: I go someplace? Shepherd Book: Very nearly. Inara: We thought we lost you. Mal: No, I've been right here. Mal: Wash, you okay? Wash: [a little buzzed from giving blood] Yeah, Mal, I'm fine. Mal: You got a thing in your arm. Wash: [smiling] Yeah. Simon: Try not to speak. You're heavily medicated and you lost a lot of blood. Simon: All right, I have to insist the Captain needs to rest. Mal: Yeah. Think the doc might not be wrong about that one. Just gonna need a few.... [trails off as he closes his eyes] Mal: Y'all gonna be here when I wake up? Book: We'll be here. Mal: Good. That's good. Salesman: Yep. Real beauty, ain't she? Yes, sir. Right smart purchase, this vessel. Salesman: I tell you what. You buy this ship, treat her proper - she'll be with you for the rest of your life. Salesman: Son? Hey, son! Salesman: You hear a word I been sayin'?

Ariel

Simon: River you have to eat. It's good. It tastes like— Simon: It's good. Jayne: It smells like crotch. Kaylee: Jayne! Jayne: Well, it does. Wash: [to Inara] Could you please tell my wife the fun she's missing out on? Inara: Ariel's quite a nice place, actually. There are some beautiful museums, not to mention some of the finest restaurants in the core. Wash: But... not boring, like she made it sound. Mal: No one is setting foot on that fancy rock. I don't want anyone leaving the ship. Come to think of it, I don't want anyone looking out the windows or talking aloud. Jayne: What's the point of coming to the core if I can't even step off the boat? Mal: You could have got off with Shepherd Book at the Bathgate Abbey. Could've been meditating on the wonders of your rock garden by now. Jayne: Well, it beats just sittin'. Wash: It is just sitting. Wash: Big stop just to renew your license to Companion. Can I use "Companion" as a verb? Simon: Could you not do that while we're… ever? Wash: S

Ariel

Mal: Patients were cynical, and not responding, and we couldn't bring 'em back. Simon: They were cyanotic... Mal: They were cyanotic... Simon: ...and not responsive... Mal: ...not responded— responsive... Simon: ...and we were unable to... Zoe: Res— Mal: Resuscitate them! Simon: Which methods did you use? Zoe: We— we tried pulmonary stimulators, and— and cardiac... we... Simon: Infusers. Zoe: Infusers! Simon: What about cortical electrodes? Jayne: Oh! [long pause] We forget 'em. Simon: Let's try that again. Mal: Pupils were fixed and dilapitated— Simon: Dilated. Mal: Dilated. Dilated! Ching-wah TSAO duh liou mahng! Shiny. Jayne: Unable to get a neural... Simon: Response. Jayne: Response! Hell, I don't know. If I wanted schooling, I'd-a gone to school.

Ariel

Simon: If I didn't know better, I'd say you're ready to save some lives! Mal: Now all we need are a couple o' patients. Simon: Corpses, actually. For this to work, River and I will have to be dead. Jayne: Huh. I'm starting to like this plan.

Ariel

Mal: Look, you got a little stabbed the other day. That's bound to make anyone a mite ornery. Jayne: The doc did good, comin' up with that job. Don't mean I like 'im any better. Nothing buys bygones quicker than cash. Maybe I'll give him a tattoo while he's out.

Ariel

Emergency Nurse: What do you got? Mal: Got a couple DOAs. By the time we got there— Emergency Nurse: Take them down to the morgue. Jayne: We applied the cortical electrodes, but we were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient!

Ariel

Doctor: You must be new. Don't get comfortable. Your type doesn't last long here. When your supervisor hears about the rude and disresp— AGHHH! Zoe: Clear.

Ariel

River: No! No! No. They come out of the black. They come when you call. Simon: River, it's okay— it's, it's over. We're leaving. River: Your toes are in the sand. Jayne: And your head's up your— Simon: Hey! Back off.

Ariel

Wash: How much did we get? Mal: Enough to keep us flying. Zoe: Can we fly somewhere with a beach? Wash: Maybe a naked beach? Mal: Cut it out! The job's not done till we're back on Serenity. Zoe: Sorry, sir. Didn't mean to enjoy the moment.

Ariel

Simon: Still... I appreciate you trying. Jayne: You know what I'd appreciate? You stop flapping that pretty mouth at me. I'm trying to figure a way out of here. I can't do it with you yammerin'. River: They took Christmas away. Jayne: What the hell now? River: I came downstairs for the shiny presents. They took the tree and the stockings. Nothing left but coal. Jayne: [to Simon] Would you shut her up? River: Don't look in the closet either. It's greedy. It's not in the spirit of the holiday. Jayne: You shut the hell up right now, or so help me, I will shut you up.

Ariel

Two by two, hands of blue... two by two, hands of blue...

Ariel

Shee-niou high-tech Alliance crap!

Ariel

Inara: What's going on here? Kaylee: Oh, well, let's see. We killed Simon and River, stole a bunch of medicine, and now the Captain 'n' Zoe are off springing the others got snatched by the Feds!

Ariel

Mal: You know, I hear tell they used to keelhaul traitors back in the day. I don't have a keel to haul you on, so... Jayne: What're you takin' it so personal for? It ain't like I ratted you out to the feds! Mal: Oh, but you did! You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me! But since that's a concept you can't seem to wrap your head around, then you got no place here. [Pause.] You did it to me, Jayne. And that's a fact. Jayne: What're you gonna tell the others? Mal: About what? Jayne: 'Bout why I'm dead. Mal: I hadn't thought about it. Jayne: Make something up. Don't tell 'em what I did. Mal: The next time you decide to stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to my face. Jayne: Can I come in?

Ariel

Simon: I brought some medicine. Do you remember why we went to hospital? River: It's time to go to sleep again. Simon: No, mei-mei. [holds River's hand gently.] It's time to wake up.

War Stories

Book: He said, "Live with a man forty years. Share his house, his meals… speak on every subject… then tie him up, and hold him over the volcano's edge. And on that day, you will finally meet the man." Simon: What if you don't live near a volcano? Book: I expect he was being poetical. Simon: Sadistic crap legitimized by florid prose. Tell me you're not a fan. Book: I'm just wondering if they were. The people who did this to your sister. Simon: The government did this to her. Book: A government is a body of people; usually, notably ungoverned. Simon: Now you're quoting the Captain. Book: Yes, I'd forgotten—you're moon-lighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned? Simon: No. But, I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist.

War Stories

Ah, the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots... [to River and Kaylee] SHUT UP! [to Kaylee and River] One of you is gonna fall and die, and I'm not cleaning it up!

War Stories

Kaylee: [panting] No power in the 'verse... can stop me! Zoe: [holding up an apple to Wash, before cutting it with her knife] These really are the genuine article. I could get used to being rich. Wash: It's Jayne being so generous with his cut that confuses and frightens me. Zoe: It does kind of freeze the blood. Kaylee: Zoe, how come you always cut your apples? Wash: [to Zoe] You do? Kaylee: [to Wash] Her and Cap'n both. Whenever we get fresh fruit, they never just munch on 'em. Zoe: [pauses, then replies to Kaylee] You know what a griswald is? Jayne: [just walking in] It's a grenade. Zoe: About the size of a battery, responds to pressure. Our platoon was stuck in a trench outside of New Casmir during the winter campaign. More than a week, completely cut off, and the Alliance entrenched not ten yards away. We even got to talkin' to 'em, yelling across insults and jokes and such, 'cause [there was] no ammo to speak of, no orders, so what're you gonna do? We mentioned that we were out o

War Stories

Wash: So...when you said that you didn't get a chance to tell the captain my idea...what you actually meant was, you told him my idea, he rejected it out of hand, and you didn't argue the point, or, even give it another thought- Zoe: I gave, honey- I, I- Wash: And then came the lying to me about it, which for me is sort of the highlight of this little adventure. Zoe: Is there any way I'm gonna get out of this with honor and dignity? Wash: You're pretty much down to ritual suicide, lamby-toes. Zoe: I didn't want to upset you. Wash: What did you think of it? Zoe: Of what? Wash: Of my idea! Call the local M.D.'s- forget the fed's, let's go straight to the source. Better prices, and we know the drugs get to the right people. Zoe: Captain thinks it will get back to someone- it'd just cause trouble! Wash: [interrupts with muttered curses in Chinese, and slams his hand down on his controls] Was I ever not asking what the captain thought!! [Gets up and almost walks out.] Zoe: Well, I tend to a

War Stories

Simon: Whoa. Mei-mei. How you doin'? River: I threw up. Simon: Mmm...I'm sorry, it's a side effect. We just have to find the right treatment for you. How do you feel now? River: Going. Going back, like apple bits, coming back up. [shakes head] Chaos. Simon: But you felt okay this morning? River: [smiles wanly] Played with Kaylee. The sun came out, and… I walked on my feet, and… heard with my ears. I ate the bits. The bits did stay down. And I work. I...function like I'm a girl. [sobs] I hate it because I know it'll go away! [sobs] The sun grows dark, and chaos is come again. [sobs] Bits… fluids! [sniffs] What am I? Simon: Shh-shh...:[Simon hugs River reassuringly.] You...are my beautiful sister. River: I... I threw up on your bed. Simon: [Simon winces, then smiles.] Yup. Definitely my sister. [River smiles and chuckles while still crying into Simon's shoulder.]

War Stories

Book: Didn't Inara express a wish for privacy? Kaylee: Oh… we've gotta see who she's got. I bet he's handsome. I think he's gonna bring her flowers. Kaylee: Oh— there he is! Mal: Well, he looks the respectable sort. Welcome aboard. I'm Captain Malcolm Rey— Bodyguard: We're all clear here, councilor. Mal: ...Huh. Book: Ohh, my. Kaylee: Oh, gosh, I-I knew she took female clients, I just, uh- [laughs] They look so glamorous together. Jayne: ...I'll be in my bunk.

War Stories

Mal: Lucrative as this stuff is, I'll be glad to see the last of it. [loading the stolen medical supplies] Kind of makes us a target for— Zoe: [checking controls and dials] Was River in here messing around? The ignition sequence is all turned about, I can't even— Wash: [entering] I can. Mal: Well, get it set, would you, Wash? We gotta get moving. Wash: Here's a funny twist. No. Mal: No, what? Wash: No, sir. Zoe: You changed the sequence? Wash: Didn't want you taking off without me. In fact, didn't want you taking off at all. Thought I might take this run instead— me and the captain. Mal: The captain who's standing right here, telling you that's not going to happen? Wash: Well, it's a dangerous mission sir. [looking at Zoe] I can't stand the thought of something happening that might cause you two to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure. I just can't take that right now. Mal: Okay [chuckling], um... I'm lost. Uh... I'm angry. And, I'm armed. So, if you two have

War Stories

Councilor: Oh— that feels amazing. [Inara smiles] Oh, right there. Oh, that's perfect. I should have done this weeks ago. Inara: [chuckling] Well, I wouldn't have been here weeks ago. Councilor: That would have been a shame. Inara: For me as well. You have such beautiful skin. Councilor: [looking up at Inara] There's no need for the show, Inara. I just need to relax with someone who's making no demands on me. Inara: Most of my clientèle is male, do you know that? Councilor: No. Inara: [smiling gently.] If I choose a woman, she tends to be extraordinary in some way. [laughing] And the fact is, I occasionally have the exact same need you do. One can not always be one's self in the company of men. Councilor: [smiling.] Never, actually. Inara: So no show. Let's just... enjoy ourselves. Councilor: You are so lovely.

War Stories

Mal: Look— this thing, with you and Zoe— Wash: Really not looking to talk on that topic. Mal: Hey, I let that [stupid (in Chinese)] trick of yours slide back there because this is a milk run. But when I go on a mission, I'm taking Zoe, and that's the drill. You know that. I mean, what happens if we get in a situation here? Wash: Hey, I've been in a firefight before. [Pauses] Well, I was in a fire. [Pauses] Actually, I was fired, from a fry cook opportunity. [Pauses again.] I can handle myself. Mal: And you understand what Zoe's job entails? Wash: [Nodding enthusiastically] I'll learn as I go.

War Stories

So now I'm learning about carrying.

War Stories

Now I'm learning about scary.

War Stories

Jayne: I'll be in my bunk. Zoe: Jayne, grab your weapon.

War Stories

Mal: You okay? Wash: [Panicking] I think I've been kidnapped. Mal: Yeah. Wash: [Pauses] Can you see where we are? Mal: No. Wash: Mal, what the hell is going on? Mal: Ain't rightly sure. Wash: But you've got some theories? Mal: [Slightly irritated] Still working it through. Wash: [Loudly] I don't want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what's happening then you tell me. You wouldn't spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting, and possibly scheming. So, whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. And you know why? Because no matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back. With the stories. So... I'm Zoe. Now... what do I do? Mal: Probably not talk quite so much. Wash: Right. Less talking. She's terse. I can be terse. Once in flight school, I was laconic. [Pause] If I'm not gonna talk, then you have to! What else? Mal: We just gotta keep our heads. Wash: Right. Keep our heads. That way we'll be able to, you k

War Stories

Book: Thank God you're safe. Kaylee: Oh my God, what happened? Simon: Let me take a look— how bad is it? Wash: I'm fine. [Wash and Zoe push through the crew blocking the hallway.] Inara: Where's Mal? Zoe: Niska wouldn't let him go. Inara: Is he alive? Zoe: For now. [Zoe hands a bundle to Simon.] Take that to the infirmary— put it on ice. Kaylee: W-w-what is that? Simon: It's his ear. Zoe: We're getting him back! Jayne: What are we gonna do, clone him? Simon: Well it's a clean cut; with the right equipment I should be able to reattach it. [Simon looks up.] That's assuming there's a head.

War Stories

Niska: Do you know the writings of a Xiang Yu? Mal: [Straining in pain throughout] You starting a book club? What, you trying to torture— [Grunts in pain] trying to torture me?

War Stories

Wash: Grenades? Zoe: Oh, yes. Thank you, dear. [Turning to Jayne] They won't be expecting it. Jayne: Right. 'Cause they ain't insane.

War Stories

Book: This should do. Zoe: Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killin'? Book: Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps. Jayne: What? Zoe: Let's go get the cap'n. Henchman: Yep, he's dead.

War Stories

Kaylee: Unless it's the captain! Zoe: Unless it's the captain.

War Stories

No power in the 'verse can stop me.

War Stories

Haven't you killed me enough for one day?

War Stories

Zoe: Jayne. This somethin' the Captain has to do for himself. Mal: No! No, it's not! Zoe: [surprised] Oh.

War Stories

Mal: So— I hear you all took up arms in that little piece of action back there. How you farin' with that, Doctor? Simon: I don't know. I, uh, I never— never shot anyone before. Book: I was there, son. I'm fair sure you haven't shot anyone… yet.

War Stories

Mal: I know it's a... [puts Zoe's hands on his hip and shoulder] difficult mission, but you and I... [places his hands likewise on her] have to get it on. Zoe: I understand. We have no choice. [deadpan] Take me, sir. Take me hard. Jayne: [walking in] Well, somethin' about that is just downright unsettlin'. Wash: We'll be in our bunk. (slaps Zoe's butt as they leave) Jayne: [sniffing] Oh, hey— [smacks Mal in the chest where he was tortured] free soup.

Trash

Yep. That went well.

Trash

Mal, I want you to meet my Bridget. So... you guys have met.

Trash

Damn you, Bridget! Damn you to Hades! You broke my heart in a million pieces! You made me love you, and then you… I shaved off my beard for you, devil woman!

Trash

Mal: You're gonna want to pull your claw out of that bag, nice and slow. Saffron: Relax. I'm not going for a gun or anything. Saffron: Just freshening up. Mal: You and lipstick are a dangerous combination, if I recall. Saffron: Mmm. You missed a spot. Mal: Can't miss a place you've never been.

Trash

Mal: This is my scrap of nowhere. You go on, find your own. Saffron: You can't just leave me here on this lifeless piece-of-crap moon. Mal: I can. Saffron: I'll die. Mal: Well, as a courtesy, you might start getting busy on that, 'cause all this chatter ain't doin' me any kindness.

Trash

Saffron: This was all your fault, you know. I had the perfect crime lined up. Mal: Sure. You were gonna steal a man's beard. Saffron: No, you HOE-tze duh PEE-goo! A million-square job. The big time. I was gonna cut Monty and his crew in, but you screwed that royal. Mal: Odd, but I don't think I'll be losing any sleep over it. Saffron: I've got the layout, entrance codes… Believe me, this practically robs itself, sweetheart. Mal: Bye-bye, now.

Trash

Inara: Right, you're a criminal mastermind! What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport? Mal: That was a little dif&mdash; Inara: What was the cargo? Mal: [pauses, embarrassed] They were dolls. Inara: They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled! Mal: Hey! People love those!

Trash

Inara: Well, since I can't seem to find work as Companion, I might as well become a petty thief like you! Mal: Petty? Inara: I didn't mean petty. Mal: What did you mean? Inara: Suo-SHEE? Mal: ...That's Chinese for "petty".

Trash

Mal: Saffron has a notion we can walk right in there, take the Lassiter right off his shelf. Wash: I'm confused. Saffron: You're asking yourself if I've got the security codes, why don't I go in, grab it for myself? Wash: No. Actually, I was wondering... what's she doing on this ship? Wash: We're in space! How'd she get here? Mal: She hitched. Wash: I don't recall pulling over! Jayne: Okay. I got a question. If she's got the security codes, why don't she just walk in and grab it herself? Saffron: [sarcastically] Good point! Mal: Zoe? You ain't said a word. Time to weigh in. Zoe: Take sounds ripe enough, assuming we can fence it. Saffron: I know a guy on Persephone. Already has half dozen buyers on the bid. Zoe: But Inara ain't wrong. Zoe: She can't be trusted. Mal: I ain't asking you to trust her. I'll be with her on the inside the whole time. Saffron: See there? All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is... get over it. Zoe: Hmm. Okay. Zoe: I'm in.

Trash

River: She's a liar. Jayne: That don't exactly set her apart from the rest of us. The plunder sounds fun enough. River: She's a liar, and no good will come of her. Jayne: Well, as a rule, I say, girlfolk ain't to be trusted. River: [grinning] "Jayne" is a girl's name. Jayne: Well, Jayne ain't a girl! She starts in on that girl's-name thing, [reaches into his pants] I'll show her good 'n' all, I got man parts! Simon: I'm... trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. I just... it's not coming. River: Afraid. Simon: We'll be okay. Why the captain is trusting that BOO hway-HUN duh PUO-foo is beyond&mdash; River: Not her. Jayne. Simon: Afraid? Since when? River: Since Ariel. Afraid we'll know.

Trash

Saffron: Durran, this isn't what it looks like. Mal: Unless... it looks like… we're stealing your priceless Lassiter, 'cause... that's what we're doing. Don't ask me about the gun, though, 'cause that's new. Durran: Well, I appreciate your honesty. Not, you know, a lot, but... Mal: No one's killin' any folk today, on account o' we got a very tight schedule, Yo-Saff-Bridg.

Trash

Durran: How long have you been with him? Mal: Oh&mdash; pfft! We are not together. Saffron: He's my husband. Mal: Well, who in the damn galaxy ain't?! Saffron: Durran, peaches... just call them off. Tell them it was a mistake. Durran: You need help, Yolanda. Saffron: I'll do anything you want me to. You know how I can make you feel. Durran: Hmm. Please. You're embarrassing yourself. Saffron: I'm embarrassing? Who's the dupe on the floor? Mal: I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta go.

Trash

Saffron: You must be loving this. Mal: Little bit. Saffron: You won't tell anyone about me breaking down. Mal: I won't. Saffron: Then I won't tell anyone how easily I got your gun out of your holster. Mal: I'll take that as a kindness. Saffron: You just may be the most gullible fool I ever marked. And that makes you special.

Trash

Jayne: [mumbling] Is [s]pine okay? Simon: How much did they offer you to sell out me and River on Ariel? Jayne: [mumbling] Das crazy talk. Simon: Then let's talk crazy. How much? Jayne: [mumbling] Anybody there? Jayne: [mumbling] Anybody else? Simon: No matter what you do, or say or plot, no matter how you come down on us… I will never, ever harm you. You're on this table, you're safe. 'Cause I'm your medic, and however little we may like or trust each other, we're on the same crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies, and more than enough of both. Now, we could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open, but that thought wearies me. I don't care what you've done, I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you. I think you should do the same. 'Cause I don't see this working any other way. River: Also... I can kill you with my brain.

Trash

Mal: Yeah. That went well. Inara: You call this going well? Mal: We got the loot, didn't we? Inara: Yes, but&mdash; Mal: Then I call this a win. What's the problem? Inara: Shall I start with the part where you're stranded in the middle of nowhere, or the part where you have no clothes?

The Message

Simon: Yep—it's a cow fetus. Kaylee: Guess so. It does seem to have an awful lot of limbs. Simon: It's mutated. Kaylee: But cow? How do you figure? Simon: It's upside down. Kaylee: Oh yeah. Cow. Simon: And I'm out twelve bits! I really know how to show a girl a... disgusting time. Wash: Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar. Zoe: Scared her away again, did you? Simon: D— This may come as a shock, but I'm actually… not very good at talking to girls. Zoe: Why, is there someone you are good at talking to? Wash: [Speaking loudly, slowly, and enunciating clearly] Do not fear me! Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony.

The Message

River: My food is problematic. Jayne: Girl's a mind-readin' genius, can't even figure out how to eat an ice planet.

The Message

Jayne: I got post? Book: Might we all want to step a few paces back before he opens that? Jayne: Ha ha! It's from my mother. Inara: So, do aliens live among us? Kaylee: Yeah. One of them's a doctor.

The Message

Jayne: How's it sit? Pretty cunning, don't you think? Kaylee: I think it's the sweetest hat ever. Wash: A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything. Jayne: Damn straight! Jayne: What'd y'all order a dead guy for?

The Message

Tracey: Thanks. I didn't know you were out there. Zoe: Sort of the point. Stealth—you may have heard of it. Tracey: I don't think they covered that in basic. Zoe: Well, at least they covered "Dropping Your Weapon So You Can Eat Beans and Get Yourself Shot". Tracey: Yeah, I got a badge in that. [seriously] Won't happen again. Zoe: It does, I'm just gonna watch. Zoe: First rule of battle, little one… don't ever let them know where you are. Mal: Whoo-hoo! I'm right here! I'm right here! You want some o' me?! Yeah you do! Come on! Come on ! Aaaaah! Mal: Whoo-hoo! Zoe: 'Course, there're other schools of thought.

The Message

They don't like it when you shoot at 'em. I worked that out myself.

The Message

Mal: Tracey, ain't you dead yet? Tracey: Through no fault of my own, Sarge. Mal: Aw... I really wanted your beans.

The Message

Everybody dies, Tracey. Someone's carryin' a bullet for you right now, doesn't even know it. The trick is, die of old age before it finds you.

The Message

Jayne: We're taking him on board? Mal: We are. Jayne: Don't know if I see the percentage in that. Mal: Then don't strain your brain trying. You might break something.

The Message

You are such a boob.

The Message

Uh, okay. Uh, recording. Hi, I guess. This is a message for Zoe, and for Malcolm Reynolds. And I really hope you all are the ones listening to it. I'll spare you the boring details. I've fallen in with untrustworthy folk. Makin' a bunch of bad calls. All that matters is... I expect to be shuffled off. And you two are the only people I trust to get me where I'm going, which is home. I'd like my body to be with my folks on St. Albans. We got the family plot there, and my Mom and Dad, well, they deserve to know I died. You know, it's funny. We went to the war never lookin' to come back, but it's... it's the real world I couldn't survive. You two carried me through that war. Now I need you to carry me just a little bit further… if you can. Tell my folks I wanted to do right by them, and that I'm at peace, and all. Uh… When you can't run anymore, you crawl, and when you can't do that, well… Yeah, you know the rest. Thanks, b-both of you. Oh, yeah, and, uh... make sure my eyes is closed, wil

The Message

Relax! You've been great. And I was just bluffing with that stuff about arresting you. I mean, who needs that kind of paperwork? Skunk, light him on fire.

The Message

Mal: I thought I was gonna die. Inara: How could he possibly— Mal: Oh, the colonel was dead drunk. Three hours pissin' on about the enlisted men. Uh, "they're scum", uh, "they're not fighters", and, uh... and then he passed right out—boom. Zoe: We couldn't even move him. So, uh, Tracey just... snipped it right off his face. Mal: And you never seen a man more proud of his moustache than Colonel Obrin. I mean, in all my life, I will never love a woman the way this officer loved that lip ferret. Zoe: Big, walrus-y thing—all waxed up! Inara: Did he find out? Mal: Oh! Next mornin', he wakes up, it's gone, and he is furious! But he can't just say, you know, "Someone stole my moustache!" So he, uh, calls together all the platoons… Zoe: We thought he was gonna shoot us! Mal: ...and, uh... Oh, he's eye-ballin' all the men somethin' fierce. Not a word. And he comes up to Tracey, and Tracey's wearing the gorram thing on his face! Zoe: He'd glued it on! Mal: He's starin' the old man down wearing h

The Message

Jayne: Spry for a dead fella! Tracey: Sarge? Mal: Yeah? Tracey: I think I'm naked. Mal: You wanna explain to me exactly why you got yourself all corpsified and mailed to me?

The Message

So, your innards... ain't your innards?

The Message

Wash: I think they're about done being stalled to— ahhhh... AHHHHHHH! Mal, your dead army buddy's on the bridge. Zoe: He ain't dead. Wash: ...Oh...

The Message

I'm a dangerous-minded man on a ship loaded with hurt. Now why you got me chattin' with your peons?

The Message

Wash: Woo! This kind of flying really wakes up a guy! Mal: Awake helps.

The Message

They'd have to be insane to follow us through here. They're not behind us any more! I didn't think of that.

The Message

Mal: Hear that quiet? Means the call's already been made. Tracey: Well, that call… that call means you just murdered me. Mal: No, son. You murdered yourself. I just carried the bullet a while.

The Message

Tracey: When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that... Zoe: ...you find someone to carry you.

Heart of Gold

Inara: Hi. Mal: BWAH! Inara: [laughing] Sorry! Didn't mean to startle. Mal: You didn't! I was just, uh… "BWAH!" That's more like a… It's a warrior like... Strikes fear into the… hearts of… You know, not altogether wise, sneaking up on a fellow when he's handling his weapon. Inara: I'm sure I've heard that said. But… perhaps the dining area isn't the place for this sort of thing. Mal: What do ya mean? It's the only place with a table big enough. Inara: Of course. In that case, every well-bred petty crook knows that the small concealable weapons always go to the far left of the place setting. Mal: Bwah.

Heart of Gold

Inara: It sounds like something this crew can handle. I can't guarantee they'll handle it particularly well, but... Nandi: If they got guns and brains at all. Inara: They've got guns... Inara: I suppose you heard most of that? Mal: Only because I was eavesdropping. Inara: I'll contact Nandi at once, but you will be paid. I feel it's important that we keep ours... strictly a business arrangement.

Heart of Gold

Jayne: Don't much see the benefit in getting involved in strangers' troubles without a up-front price negotiated. Book: These people need assistance. The benefit wouldn't necessarily be for you. Jayne: That's what I'm sayin'. Zoe: No one's gonna force you to go, Jayne. As has been stated, this job is strictly speculative. Jayne: Good! Don't know these folks, don't much care to. Mal: They're whores. Jayne: I'm in.

Heart of Gold

Inara: Nandi, this is Malcolm Reynolds. Nandi: I appreciate your coming. Mal: Well, any friend of Inara's is a strictly businesslike relationship of mine. Mal: I'll introduce you to the rest later. They're good folk. Jayne: Can I start getting sexed already? Mal: Well, that one's kinda horrific.

Heart of Gold

Look, they got boy whores! Isn't that thoughtful? Wonder if they service girlfolk at all.

Heart of Gold

Simon: Isn't there a pregnant woman I'm to examine? Wash: [to Kaylee] You'd really lie with someone being paid for it? Kaylee: Well, it's not like anyone else is lining up to, you know, examine me. Jayne: Whoop! My John Thomas is about to pop off and fly around the room, there's so much tasty here. Ooh! Wash: Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.

Heart of Gold

Kaylee: Everyone's got somebody. Wash, tell me I'm pretty. Wash: Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion. Kaylee: 'Cause I'm pretty? Wash: 'Cause you're pretty.

Heart of Gold

Mal: Inara, think you could stoop to being on my arm? Inara: Will you wash it first?

Heart of Gold

Mal: Nothing worse than a monster who thinks he's right with God. Nandi: Captain Reynolds, it took me years to cut this piece of territory out of other men's hands, to build this business up from nothing. Mal: Nandi... Nandi: It's who I am, and it's my home. I'm not going anywhere. Mal: Well, lady, I must say—you're my kinda stupid.

Heart of Gold

Wash: Well, I'm not sure now is the best time to bring a tiny little helpless person into our lives. Zoe: That excuse is gettin' a little worn, honey. Wash: It's not an excuse, dear! It's objective assessment. I can't help that it stays relevant. Zoe: I don't give a good gorram about relevant, Wash, or objective. And I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it. [tenderly] You and I would make one beautiful baby. And I want to meet that child one day. Period.

Heart of Gold

Nandi: Truth is, I expected a whole lot more of you to be takin' payment in our trade. Mal: Well, we're an odd conglomeration. Got a preacher, a married fellah, and the doctor... well, he'd have to... relax for thirty seconds to get his play. That'd be more or less a miracle.

Heart of Gold

Inara: How many babies have you actually delivered? Simon: As the primary? This would be the first. You? Inara: My first, too. River: Mine, too. River: Who do you think is in there?

Heart of Gold

Mal: Miss Nandi, I have a confession to make. Nandi: Maybe I should get the Shepherd. Mal: Well, I ain't sinned yet. And I'd feel a little more'n awkward if he were here when I did. Nandi: Malcolm, I been waiting for you to kiss me since I showed you my guns. Nandi: You okay with this? Mal: I'm just waiting to see if I pass out. Long story.

Heart of Gold

Rance: Earned yourself quite a bag of silver, little kitten. But I got a… few more chores in mind before you get any. Chari: I'm ready. Rance: Now, Chari here, she understands a whore's place, don't she? But Nandi, and those others, they spit on our town! They've no respect for the sanctity of fatherhood, or... decency, or family! They have my child held hostage to their decadent ways, and that I will not abide. We will show them what power is! We will show them what their position in this town is! Let us all remember, right here and now, what a woman is to a man! Rance: [whispering intensely] Get on your knees!

Heart of Gold

Inara: So you took to bed with Nandi. I'm glad. Mal: Glad? Inara: Yes! She's a dear friend, and probably in need of some comfort about now. Mal: So, you're okay. Well, yeah. Why… why wouldn't you be? Inara: I wouldn't say I'm entirely okay. I'm a little appalled at her taste.

Heart of Gold

Kaylee: Cap'n seem a little... funny to you at breakfast this morning? Wash: Come on, Kaylee. We all know I'm the funny one.

Heart of Gold

Book: Girls, nobody's going to die! Jayne: There's people gonna die.

Heart of Gold

Jayne: [over radio] Whoa, now, girl, that is just plain dirty. Mal: Jayne, you aware your radio's transmittin'? Cause I ain't feelin' particular girlish or dirty at the moment.

Heart of Gold

Mal! Looks like we got some imminent violence!

Heart of Gold

Rance, this is Jonah. Jonah... say "hi" to your daddy. Say "goodbye" to your daddy, Jonah.

Objects in Space

Kaylee: You couldn't possibly! Simon: No, I wish I was lying, I just...You know, we'd all just made surgeon. That was it, we were the elite. The world was ours, you know? Kaylee: So you had to be naked? Simon: Naked. Yes. And, uh, on top of the statue of Hippocrates. (they laugh) Can't you just picture me? Kaylee: What, naked? Oh, well, hmm, mmm...Let's see, I'mma have to conjure up a...yeah, that's, that's gonna be difficult...(laughs and pokes him in the cheek with her foot) So did the feds come? Simon: There were no feds. (grins) Until I started singing. Kaylee: Oh, no! (cracks up) Simon: This is not-- Kaylee: What did you sing? Simon: This is not funny. This, this is a morality tale about the evils of sake. Simon (in River's head): I would be there right now. Simon: I really miss...It was, it was either that or the national anthem. I, reports vary... Kaylee: You don't remember any of this? Simon: I remember talking the feds out of telling my father. Or, or paying the feds out of te

Objects in Space

Mal: If I want a lot of medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor. Simon: You are talking to a doctor.

Objects in Space

Wash: Little River gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do next? Zoe: Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up. Wash: I hope she does the soup thing, it's always a hoot and we don't all die from it.

Objects in Space

Zoë: Where's River at now? Mal: In her room, which I'm thinking we bolt from the outside from now on. Wash: That a little extreme, isn't it? Jayne: Anyone remember her comin' at me with a butcher's knife? Wash: [reminiscently] Wacky fun… Jayne: You wanna go, little man? Wash: Only if it's someplace with candlelight. Zoe: Sir, I know she's unpredictable. But I don't think she'd harm anyone. Jayne: Butcher's knife?! Zoe: Anyone we can't spare.

Objects in Space

Mal: Girl knows things. Things she shouldn't. Things she couldn't. Jayne: What, are you— are you sayin' she's a witch? Wash: [sarcastically] Yes, Jayne. She's a witch. She has had congress with the beast. Jayne: She's in Congress? Wash: How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so curious. Wash: Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction. Zoe: We live in a spaceship, dear. Wash: So? Jayne: Well… I don't like the idea of someone hearin' what I'm thinkin'. Inara: No one likes the idea of hearing what you're thinking. Book: The Alliance could have any number of uses for a psychic. Zoe: A psychic… or an assassin. Simon: She's just a kid! And she just wants to be a... kid. Mal: I wish it were that simple. Jayne: Yeah, and if wishes were horses, we'd all be eatin' steak.

Objects in Space

Kaylee: River? ...River? [startled by Early] Wah! Early: I like this ship... Serenity... she's good looking. Kaylee: [stuttering] Ha-how how did you... g-get on&mdash; Early: Strains the mind a bit don'it? You think you're all alone... maybe I come down the chimney, Kaylee, bring presents to the good girls and boys. Maybe not, though. Maybe I've always been here. Kaylee: What do you want? Early: [looks at engine] That's a beating heart isn't it? Pull off any one of a thousand parts she'll just die. Such a slender thread... [coldly] You ever been raped? Kaylee: [almost in tears] Th-the captain is right down the hall-hallway- He... c-can... hear you&mdash; Early: The captain is locked in his quarters. They all are. There's nobody can help you... Say it. Kaylee: [breathlessly, a tear starting down her right cheek] There's... there's nobody can help me. Early: I'm gonna tie you up now&mdash; Kaylee: [whimpers] Early: And you know what I'm gonna do then? I'm gonna give you a present. Get ri

Objects in Space

Simon: Are you Alliance? Early: Am I a lion? Simon: What? Early: I don't think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though: I have a mighty roar. Simon: I said "Alliance". Early: Oh, I thought&mdash; Simon: No, I was&mdash; Early: That's weird.

Objects in Space

Simon: So you're a bounty hunter. Early: No, that ain't it at all. Simon: Then what are you? Early: I'm a bounty hunter.

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Simon: You're outta your mind. Early: That's between me and my mind.

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Early: You ever been shot? Simon: No. Early: You oughta be shot. Or stabbed. Lose a leg. To be a surgeon, you know? Know what kind of pain you're dealing with. They make psychiatrists get psychoanalyzed before they can get certified, but they don't make a surgeon get cut on. That seem right to you?

Objects in Space

Man is stronger by far than woman, yet only woman can create a child&mdash;does that seem right to you?

Objects in Space

Early: Alright, that's all the hide-and-seek I got time for. [shouting] I know you're on this ship, little girl! Here's how this goes: show yourself and finish this exchange, or your brother's brains'll be flyin' every whichaway! [normal tone] You understand, I'm sort of on the clock here, it's frustrating. River: [over Serenity's intercom] You're wrong, Early. Early: I'm not wrong, dumpling, I will shoot your brother dead if you don't&mdash; River: Wrong about River. River's not on the ship. They didn't want her here. But she couldn't make herself leave. So she melted. Melted away. They didn't know she could do that. But she did. Early: Not sure I take your meaning there. River: I'm not on the ship. I'm in the ship. I am the ship. Simon: River&mdash; River: River's gone. Early: Then who exactly are we talking to? River: Talking to Serenity. And Early? Serenity is very unhappy.

Objects in Space

Early: Where'd she go? Simon: I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporeally possessing a spaceship; don't look at me. Early: I only hurt people 'cause they keep gettin' in the way of me finding you. [points his gun at Simon] Tell her. Simon: What am I, your advocate? Early: You are, starting now. Simon: [deadpan] He's really very… gentle, and fuzzy. We're becoming fast friends. Early: You folks are all insane. Simon: Well… my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

Objects in Space

Early: You gonna be smart here, River? ...River? ...Serenity? Mal: Ugh. What the hell's goin' on here? River/Serenity: I need you to do me a favor, captain. Mal: There was a guy. He was very blurry. You gotta be careful. Ugh. How come there's a guy on board and how come you're all of a sudden the ship? River/Serenity: I know you have questions. Mal: That would be why I just asked them. River/Serenity: But there isn't a lot of time, captain. I need you to trust me. Mal: Am I dreamin'? River/Serenity: We all are. River/Serenity: Don't make faces.

Objects in Space

Early: You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget, this girl is the smallest cargo I've ever had to transport, yet by far the most troublesome. Does that seem right to you? Simon: What'd he do? Early: Who? Simon: The midget. Early: Arson. Little man loved fire. Early: Well I'll be a son of a whore. You're not in my gorram mind. You're on my gorram ship!

Objects in Space

River: I don't belong… dangerous, like you. Can't be controlled, can't be trusted. Everyone could just go on without me and not have to worry. People could be what they wanted to be… could be with the people they wanted… could live simple, no secrets. Simon: No. River: I'll be fine. I'll be your bounty, Jubal Early, and I'll just fade away.

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Early: [outside Serenity in a space suit] You made the right move, darlin'. Best for you to go with old Early. Mal: [appears behind him] You think so? Some of us feel differently.

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River: Permission to come aboard? Mal: You know, you ain't quite right. River: [smiles] That's the popular theory. Mal: Go on, get in there. Give your brother a thrashin' for messin' up your plan. River: [tiredly] He takes so much looking after.

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Can I mop your brow? I am at the ready with the fearsome brow mop.

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Inara: Any chance that shiong-mung duh kwong-run might survive? Mal: Air he had left, I'd say his chance'd be about one in… a very large number.

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Well, here I am.

Issue 1

Mal: So... how goes the flock? Book: At the moment? To their homes. To fetch their guns.

Issue 1

Mal: Prayerful group you found yourself here, Shepherd. And here I thought that book of yours had a thing in it about not killing folks. Book: It does. Comes a bit before the one about not stealing. Jayne: Stop chasin' us! We don't got your damn money! Go chase the guys with the money!!! Zoe: Jayne, you yelling like that's only going to make them want to shoot you more. Jayne: How you figure? Zoe: Because it makes me want to shoot you.

Issue 1

Ball of yarn... All knotted and tangled with different weights and colors, but pull one string and you pull them all...

Issue 2

Mal: Get her fueled, Wash. Wash: With dirt? With cheap dirt?

Issue 2

He was crowdin' me, and I don't know him. I hit people that crowd me I don't know.

Issue 2

You're wrong. I don't want Serenity. I want Reynolds. You could say I'm… preoccupied with the idea.

Issue 2

Mal: Anyone else has words, now would be the time. River: I hate that color on you. I always have.

Issue 3

Mal: You kill me. What then? Dobson: I dunno. I imagine I'll get a hobby or something…

Issue 3

Zoe: And after we kill 'em all, sir? Mal: Honestly, my thinking hadn't gotten that far.

Issue 3

We're in space, Shepherd. It's always the middle of the night.

Issue 3

Zoe: Where are we going, sir? Mal: The same as always. Forward.

Issue 3

[After shooting an already dead Dobson] Just making sure.