Quotes

Other

[examining the sexually provocative designs on the bowls] Oh, what interesting china. It looks like young men playing leapfrog.

Dialogue

Armand: Why are you giving him drugs? What the hell are Pirin tablets? Agador: It's aspirin with the "A" and the "S" scraped off. Armand: My God, what a brilliant idea! Agador: I know.

Dialogue

Armand: Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought... we thought it would be better if you weren't here. Albert: I see... I see. Val: It's just for tonight. Albert: I understand, it's just while people are here.

Dialogue

Albert: Don't use that tone to me! Armand: What tone? Albert: That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman. Armand: You're not a woman. Albert: Oh, you bastard!

Dialogue

Albert: Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING! Armand: I made you short?

Dialogue

Agador: Armand, why don't you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness? Armand: Your what? Agador: My Guatemalan-ness, my natural heat. You're afraid I'm too primitive to be on the stage with your little estrogen rockettes, right? Armand: You're right. I'm afraid of your heat.

Dialogue

Albert: Maybe it is too much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al! Armand: What's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al. Albert: Oh, I could play it straight! Armand: Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture! Albert: What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig! Armand: Albert, these people are right-wing conservatives. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!... Ah, fuck 'em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!

Dialogue

Armand: Al, you old son of a bitch! How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go! Albert: How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered... wrong response?

Dialogue

Albert: No good? Armand: Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that.

Dialogue

Katharine: You were so terrified, it was so sweet. Armand: I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there's a woman in my bed! Katharine: I paid the doorman $20 - $20, in those days! Armand: Oh, God. And I thought, "What the hell, let's try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about."

Dialogue

Albert: Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katharine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand. Armand: All right, I'll bite, where are you going? Albert: To Los Copa. Armand: Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery. Albert: I know, that's why I'm packing light. Armand: Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.

Dialogue

Celsius: Chewing gum helps me think. Albert: Sweetie, you're wasting your gum!

Dialogue

Senator Kevin Keeley: [in drag] No one will dance with me. I think it's this dress. I told them white would make me look fat. Barbara Keeley: [in female drag] What about me? I'm just as pretty as the rest of these guys!