Quotes

Dialogue

Vern: What are you going to do today, Napoleon? Napoleon: Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh! [ties a string to his action figure and chucks it out the window]

Dialogue

Teacher: Your current event, Napoleon. Napoleon: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced...placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Court Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its residents, and all those who seek a peaceful existence with our underwater ally.

Dialogue

Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again? Napoleon: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines! Don: Did you shoot any? Napoleon: Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that? Don: What kind of gun did you use? Napoleon: A frickin' twelve-gauge, what do you think?

Dialogue

Napoleon: Hey, can I use your guys's phone for a sec? Secretary: Is there anything wrong? Napoleon: I don't feel very good. Kip: [on other line while making nachos] Hi. Napoleon: Is Grandma there? Kip: No, she's getting her hair done. Napoleon: [prolonged sigh] Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Kip: What do you need? Napoleon: Can you just go get her for me? Kip: I'm really busy right now. Napoleon: Just tell her to come get me. Kip: Why? Napoleon: 'Cause I don't feel good! Kip: Well, have you talked to the school nurse? Napoleon: No, she doesn't know anything...Will you just come get me? Kip: No. Napoleon: Well, will you do me a favor then? Can you bring me my ChapStick? Kip: No, Napoleon. Napoleon: But my lips hurt real bad! Kip: Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has, like, five sticks in her drawer. Napoleon: I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko! Kip: See ya. [hangs up] Napoleon: Ugh! Idiot!

Dialogue

Napoleon: Do you ride the bus to school? Pedro: No, I ride my bike. Napoleon: What kind of bike do you have? Pedro: It's a Sledgehammer. Napoleon: Dang! You got shocks...pegs...Lucky! [also notices the Flag of Mexico on the back of the seat] You ever take it off any sweet jumps?

Dialogue

Grandma: How was school? Napoleon: The worst day of my life, what do you think?

Dialogue

Napoleon: Well, what is there to eat? Grandma: Knock it off, Napoleon! Make yourself a dang quesadilla! [pronounces it "case-a-dill-a"] Napoleon: Fine!

Dialogue

Napoleon: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip! Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous 'cause I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to become a cage fighter. Napoleon: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time. Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon. Napoleon: What? Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me. Napoleon: [comes down the stairs] Such an idiot! Kip: C'mon, let's see what your best move is... Napoleon: I'll go get it. [slaps Kip in the face while he's not looking] Kip: Geeeez!

Dialogue

Deb: And here we have some boondoggle keychains. A must-have for this season's fashion. Napoleon: I already made like affinity [sic] of those at scout camp. Deb: Well, is anyone else here? I'm trying to earn money for college. Kip: [in the background] Your mom goes to college!

Dialogue

Napoleon: [referring to the dance] Who are you gonna ask? Pedro: That girl over there. Napoleon: Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that? Pedro: Build her a cake or something.

Dialogue

Napoleon: So me and you are pretty much friends by now, right? Pedro: Yes. Napoleon: [recalling the tenets of Rex Kwon Do] So you got my back and everything? Pedro: What? Napoleon: Never mind.

Dialogue

Napoleon: My old girlfriend from Oklahoma was gonna fly out for the dance but she couldn't 'cause she's doing some modeling right now. Pedro: Is she hot? Napoleon: See for yourself. [hands Pedro Deb's glamor shot sample] Pedro: Wow. Napoleon: Yeah, I took her to the mall to get some glamor shots for her birthday one year. Pedro: I like her bangs. Napoleon: Me too.

Dialogue

Napoleon: How long did it take you to grow that mustache? Pedro: A couple of days. Napoleon: I wish I could grow one.

Dialogue

Randy: Napoleon, give me some of your tots. Napoleon: No, go find your own. Randy: Come on. Give me some of your tots. Napoleon: No. I'm freakin' starved. I didn't get to eat anything today. [Randy stomps on his pants pocket, ruining the tater tots] Ugh. Gross. Freakin' idiot!

Dialogue

Uncle Rico: So, what do you think? Kip: It's pretty cool, I guess. Uncle Rico: Ohhhh, man, I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state. Napoleon: This is pretty much the worst video ever made. Kip: Napoleon, like anyone can even know that. Uncle Rico: You know what, Napoleon? You can leave. Napoleon: You guys are retarded! [gets up and goes upstairs]

Dialogue

Uncle Rico: Back in '82, I used to be able to toss a pigskin a quarter mile. Kip: Are you serious? Uncle Rico: I'm dead serious.

Dialogue

Kip: So how long are we talking about working? Uncle Rico: What, are you already losing your steam? Kip: No, I just...I have a chat room meeting at four. I gotta be back here by then. Uncle Rico: All right, you just start a little earlier, that's all. Or else work afterwards. How long is the chat room? Kip: Geez, sometimes up to 3 or 4 hours maybe...maybe not... Uncle Rico: You pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like for minutes on the phone? Kip: Yeah, Grandma's still paying per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes 'cause I'm on there so long. Uncle Rico: I bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwing you out the window.

Dialogue

Deb: What are you drawing? Napoleon: A liger. Deb: What's a liger? Napoleon: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed...bred for its skills in magic.

Dialogue

Pedro: Who was that? Napoleon: Trisha. Pedro: Who's she? Napoleon: My woman I'm taking to the dance. Pedro: Did you draw her a picture? Napoleon: Heck yes I did.

Dialogue

Napoleon: Are you guys are, like, Pedro's cousins with all the sweet hook-ups? Cholo 1: Simón.

Dialogue

Sheldon: Who's that in my driveway? Napoleon: That's my ride.

Dialogue

Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me? Napoleon: Heck yes! I'd vote for you. Pedro: Like what are my skills? Napoleon: Well, you have a sweet bike, and you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're, like, the only guy at school who has a mustache. Pedro: That's true.

Dialogue

Pedro: If I win, you can be my secretary or something. Napoleon: Sweet!

Dialogue

Napoleon: Why do you got your hood on like that? Pedro: [flashing back] Well, when I came home from school, my head started to get really hot. So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing. So I laid in the bathtub for a while, but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my head so hot. So I went in the kitchen, and I shaved it all off. [done flash-backing] I don't want anyone to see. Napoleon: I know what you mean.

Dialogue

Don: Vote for Summer. Napoleon: Yeah, right, I'm not voting for her. Don: Then who you gonna vote for? Napoleon: I'm votin' for Pedro Sanchez, who do you think? [Don scoffs and starts to walk away] Hey, Don. Can I have one of those buttons?

Dialogue

Uncle Rico: What about your girlfriend? Kip: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day, so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious.

Dialogue

Uncle Rico: I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Napoleon. Napoleon: I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up! Uncle Rico: Let me tell you about something. While you're out there playing patty cake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico is making 120 bucks. Napoleon: I could make that much money in 5 seconds! Kip: Geez, yeah right, Napoleon. I made, like, 75 bucks today. Uncle Rico: Napoleon, it looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you go out there and feed Tina? Napoleon: Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap?!

Dialogue

Napoleon: Who are you? Lafawnduh: I'm Lafawnduh. Napoleon: What are you doing here? Lafawnduh: I'm waiting for Kip. Why are you so sweaty? Napoleon: Been practicing. Lafawnduh: Practicing what? Napoleon: My dance moves. [dramatically turns his head and takes a swig of Gatorade]

Dialogue

Randy: Hey, lemme borrow your bike! Bullied kid: No. Randy: C'mon. I'll give you some chips. Bullied kid: No!

Dialogue

Uncle Rico: Why the heck you throwin' crap at my van, Napoleon?! Napoleon: Everybody at school thinks I'm a frickin' IDIOT because of you! Uncle Rico: You're gonna clean my van...right now. Napoleon: Get off of me, you bodaggit! [hits Uncle Rico with his elbow, runs off, and climbs a fence, jumps off, and continues running]

Dialogue

Napoleon: [drinks a glass of milk] The defect in that one is bleach. FFA Judge No. 1: That's right. Napoleon: Yessssss. [drinks second glass of milk] This tastes like the cow got into an onion patch. FFA Judge No. 2: Correct. Napoleon: Yessssss.

Dialogue

Napoleon: [lying] Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home. Uncle Rico: She didn't tell me anything. Napoleon: Too bad. She said she doesn't want you here when she gets back, because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak. Uncle Rico: I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon. Napoleon: Get off my property! Uncle Rico: It's a free country. I can do whatever I want. Napoleon: Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you. Uncle Rico: Well then do it! Go on! Napoleon: Maybe I will, GOSH!

Dialogue

Napoleon: Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now. Pedro: Why? Napoleon: Because my uncle Rico's an IDIOT. Pedro: Do you have anything to give to her? Napoleon: No. Not unless she likes fish.