The Longest Yard

Nate Scarborough: [accessing main computer] Hazen has a rating system for every con. Paul Crewe: [sees the three-star rating on Big Tony Cobianco's file] What's three stars? Nate: The more prone to violence that the inmate is, the more stars he gets. Skitchy: Five stars is the max. Caretaker: I didn't know that. Skitchy: Yeah. Caretaker: Let's see how many stars my maniacal ass got. [Nate accesses file and sees Caretaker only had a 0.5 star rating] Paul: Wow. Caretaker: Half a star? That's gotta be a mistake. Check it again. Check it again. Paul: You're about as maniacal as a boxful of kittens. Caretaker: Come on, that's not funny, man. I'm gonna have to stab somebody or something. Get my rep up. Paul: Why don't we have a maniacal pillow fight tonight. That could get it up some. Skitchy: [overhears] Yeah. We can sell it to pay-per-view. Superstar Versus Half-a-Star. Battle: Wow, no bullshit? Real football, against the guards? Nate Scarborough: Full contact. Battle: Captain Knauer is th

The Longest Yard (2005 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Inmate: Hey, yo, check out this fake Slim Shady, man. Cheeseburger Eddy: I knew you couldn't resist my shit. I got the shakes that will make you quake, I got the fries that will cross your eyes, I got the burgers that will... [Crewe shrugs head] I just got burgers. Paul Crewe: I'm all right. Thank you. Just wanted to talk to you fellas about possibly joining the football team. Deacon: The only game we'd play with you is "Slap the Point-Shaving White Boy Till He Cries Like a Baby-Back Bitch." Cheeseburger Eddy: [makes a robot dance as his friends laugh] Baby-back bitch, baby-back bitch Baby-back bitch. Caretaker: That's a big-ass robot. Paul: Yeah.

The Longest Yard (2005 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Deacon: This better be on the up and up. Paul Crewe: I guarantee it. Deacon: [shakes Crewe's hand] Then let's do this shit. Earl Meggett: There goes the neighborhood. [team laughs]

The Longest Yard (2005 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Nate Scarborough: Did it rain last night? Skitchy: Not a drop. Paul Crewe: [Under his breath] Son of a bitch. [Faces team] Okay, guys, the warden is trying to break our spirit. He thinks we're just going to call it day, wait for the field to dry, make up for it tomorrow. You know what, who gives a shit? Three days until game-time, we can handle it. But I'll tell you something else, that old man flooding this field tells me something: the guy is scared. Scared of you; sick, degenerate convicts. And you know what? He should be. Because I got news for you. We're going to win this game. Nate Scarborough: Did he say "win"? Paul: So, what's it going to be? We can either cancel practice today, go back to our cells, wait for tomorrow, or we can prepare for the greatest ass-kicking fiesta in the history of football. I'll leave it to you guys.

The Longest Yard (2005 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Caretaker: Now who we gonna crush?! Crowd: THE GUARDS! Caretaker: Who we gonna kill?! Crowd: THE GUARDS! Caretaker: Who we gonna kiss?! Brucie: THE GUARDS! Caretaker: Gotcha. [everyone mocks Brucie]

The Longest Yard (2005 film), CC BY-SA 4.0

Switowski: [Sniffs] ...I think I made him shit himself. Nate Scarborough: I think he just shit himself. Sportswriters in press box: I think he just shit himself. Guards team trainer: [Loading Durham on a cart] Good lord, this guy shit himself big time. Switowski: [Laughs] See, I told you I made him shit himself! Earl Meggett: [To Durham] Yo, I'll be sure to send those books to you in the hospital, pimp! Deacon: [Laughing] And some diapers! Paul Crewe: Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I did throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw this game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I ain't doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. [team puts hands t

The Longest Yard (2005 film), CC BY-SA 4.0