Quotes

Dialogue

Mitch: [While running with the bulls in Pamplona] Whose idea was this anyway!? Phil: THEY'RE GAINING ON US! Ed: Andele, ANDELE!

Dialogue

Nancy: [Shows up at the door during Mitch’s party] Umm is Mr. Phil Berquist here? Barbara: Can I get you something to…? [Nancy walks past her and over to Phil] Nancy: Mr. Berquist your housekeeper told me where you were. I’m in trouble. Phil: What are you doing here, Nancy? Who’s on Register 9? Nancy: I don’t know what to do. Mitch: [Holds up a tray next to Nancy] Rumaki? Phil: [Becoming anxious] I don’t think this is the time or the place to talk about this! Nancy: I'm late! Phil: What? Nancy: I missed my period! Mitch: Whoops. Phil: What!? Nancy: I was at work and on my break and I took one of those home pregnancy tests from Aisle 11. Phil: The ones on special? Nancy: Yes, and it came up blue! Arlene: Why is she telling you this, Phil? Phil: [Embarrassed] Because... because I'm her boss! And... we have a health plan! Arlene: You son of a bitch, you screwed this little girl in my father's store!? Phil: No, no, no! Nancy: It was in his car! Phil: Oh, Jesus. Nancy: And I'm not a little

Dialogue

Barbara: Go ahead, go with Phil and Ed. Find your smile. Mitch: What if I can't? Barbara: [sighs] We'll jump off that bridge when we get to it.

Dialogue

Mitch: I wish you hadn't worn this jacket. Ed: What's wrong with it? Mitch: Well, look at it; it's got your name and your picture on it. It's a little grotesque. Ed: I'm proud of what I do. Phil: So is the President; he doesn't put his picture on a suit. Ben Jessup: Hi. Mitch: [shakes Ben's hand] Hi, Mitch Robbins. Ed: I'm Ed Furillo; I sell sporting goods. Mitch: Show him your jacket. Phil: I'm Phil Berquist. I committed adultery, lost my job and my family. Mitch: His jacket's being made.

Dialogue

Mitch: [to Phil] Feel like a schmuck? Phil: Oh yeah, big schmuck. A big one!

Dialogue

Ed: This guy, Curly, is a true cowboy. One of the last real men. He's untamed. A mustang. We're trained ponies. It'll do us good to be in his world for a while. Mitch: Do us good? Didn't you guys see? He was hanging the help! Did you see his eyes? He's got crazy eyes. He's a lunatic! I am telling you, we are going into the wilderness being led by a lunatic! Mitch: He's behind me, isn't he? Curly: Time to turn in. Everyone, in unison: Goodnight! Mitch: [frightened] I'm sorry; I didn't mean anything by it! Curly: I crap bigger than you. Mitch: He's gonna kill me.

Dialogue

Phil: Alright what is the best day of your life? Mitch: You mean ever? Phil: Yeah, best day ever in your whole life. And you can’t do when your kids were born, that’s too easy. Mitch: I got one; I’m seven years old and my dad takes me to Yankee Stadium. My first game. We go under this long, dark tunnel underneath the stands. I’m holding his hand and we come up out of the tunnel into the light. It was huge. How green the grass was, brown dirt. And that great green copper roof, remember? We had a black and white tv so this was the first came I ever saw in color. Sat there the whole game next to my dad. He taught me how to keep score, Mickey hit one out. Phil: Good day. Mitch: And I still have the program. Phil: Alright, what was the worst day you ever had? Mitch: Worst day. Couple years ago Barbara finds a lump. Phil: What? Ed: Jesus. Mitch: Yeah, it scared the shit out of me. Phil: You ever said anything. Mitch: Yeah, well, you know, it turned out to be nothing but that whole day was… E

Dialogue

Phil: Alright I got one: my best day. Ed: This isn’t the one about Arlene and that loose step, is it? Phil: No, no, my wedding day. Mitch: What? Phil: Yeah! Remember that day? Outdoor wedding, Arlene looked great. Those water pills really worked. You guys are all smiling at me and my dad in the front, gives me a little wink. You know? I mean he’s not the warmest of men but he winked. I was the first one of us to get married and have a real job and I remember thinking “I’m grown up. You know, I’m not a goofball anymore. I made it.” I felt like a man. It was the best day of my life. Ed: What was your worst day? Phil: Every day since is a tie…

Dialogue

Mitch: Alright Ed, your best day, what is it? Twins in a trapeze, what? Ed: No, I don't wanna play. Mitch: C'mon, we did it. Ed: I don't feel like it. Mitch: Uh, okay. Ed: I'm fourteen and my mother and father are fighting again. Y'know, because she caught him again. Caught him. This time the girl drove by the house to pick him up. And I finally realized, he wasn't just cheating on my mother, he was cheating us. So I told him, I said, "You're bad to us. We don't love you. I'll take care of my mother and my sister. We don't need you any more." And he made like he was gonna hit me, but I didn't budge. And he turned around and he left. He never bothered us again. But, I took care of my mother and my sister from that day on. That's my best day. Phil: What was your worst day? Ed: [Brief pause] Same day. [Rides off]

Dialogue

Ed: Man, that saddle sure is having all the fun. Mitch: You have like a half track mind, you know that? Ed: Oh, come on. Are you telling me you wouldn't like to screw her brains out? Mitch: Lovely image. Ranks right up there with my other favorite of yours, "bang the crap out of her."

Dialogue

Ed: That's easy; we win. Bonnie: [laughs incredulously] How can you say that? Ed: Because honey, if that stuff were half as interesting as baseball, they'd have cards for it and sell it with gum. Mitch: Ed, I see by the sun that it's time for you to hibernate.

Dialogue

Curly: Pay attention, girls; we got strays! Mitch: Hi Curly. Killed anybody today? Curly: [smiling] Day ain't over yet.

Dialogue

Curly: Put that away. Curly: I said, put that away! Mitch: Hey you know, the first time I tried to talk to you, you embarrassed me. So I teased you a little bit which maybe I shouldn't have done, so I'm sorry. And now you're sitting over there playing with your knife, trying to frighten me; which you're doing a good job... But if you're gonna kill me, get on with it; if not, shut the hell up; I'm on vacation.

Dialogue

Mitch: It's nothing to be ashamed of - I had the same problem. Phil: Didn't you feel stupid? I mean, didn't you feel... inadequate? Mitch: Yeah, for a while, but then I overcame it. Can I explain it to you again? I mean now promise me you won't get upset. Phil: O.K. It's not gonna do any good. Mitch: O.K., if you want to watch one show but record another show at the same time, the television set does not have to be on channel 3. Phil: Yeah it does. Mitch: No it doesn't. Phil: It does! Mitch: No, if you're watching what you're recording, then it has to be on 3. Phil: What... the TV or... or the machine? Mitch: The TV. Phil: You're saying I can record something I'm not even watching? Mitch: Yes, that's the point. You don't even need a TV to record. Phil: How would I see it? Mitch: Well to see it you need a TV. Ed: Shut up! Just shut up! He doesn't get it! He'll never get it! It's been 4 hours! The cows can tape something by now! Forget about it, please! Phil: [to Mitch, after a brief pau

Dialogue

Mitch: You know what just occurred to me? Roping is stupid. This is a cow, not a gazelle, watch. Get off the horse, huh? Ok. And then you walk up to the cow. Look at how good this is working. Then you say "Hi. I'm Bob Vila with 'This Old Herd.' We're going to rope you today." Then you take Mr. Loop and put it around the head of Mr. Cow. [Mitch dismounts, walks up to the cow and puts the loop of lasso around its head] Now what's wrong with that? Curly: That! Mitch: I'M ON VACATIOOOOOOOOOOOON!

Dialogue

Curly: Do you know what the secret of life is? [points index finger skyward] This. Mitch: Your finger? Curly: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don't mean shit. Mitch: But, what is the "one thing?" Curly: [smiles and points his finger at Mitch] That's what you have to find out.

Dialogue

Mitch: What can we say about Curly... T.R.: Cookie, you knew him best; why don't you say somethin'? Cookie: Lord, we give you Curly. Try not to piss him off. [the rest of the group balks] Well, what else do you want me to say? I got chicken burnin'!

Dialogue

Mitch: I'm gonna be okay, because I finally know what he was talking about. Ed: Who? Mitch: Curly. I know what he meant when he said there's just one thing that's really important. Ed: So what is it? Mitch: That's what you have to figure out. Ed: [laughing] I'm gonna deck you, pal! Mitch: No, that's it; it's something different for everyone. For me, when I was in that river, I was only thinking about one thing. The rest of it just all went away.

Dialogue

Mitch: Hey, look what I found! [points to his mouth and smiles broadly] Barbara: Ooh, that looks nice. Where did you find that? Mitch: [feigning exasperation] Colorado! Isn't it always in the last place you look?