Quotes

Dialogue

Jack Conrad: [Finds George crying with his head in the toilet] Aw, Georgie. Who was it this time? George Munn: [Panting] Claire. Jack Conrad: Claire. Well, Claire's a lesbian. That's an uphill battle for anyone.

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Ruth Adler: How do you do it? Just tear up over and over like it's nothing? Nellie LaRoy: I just think of home.

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Jack Conrad: Elinor, you peddle gossip. You don't make anything. You don't know what it is to put yourself out there. You're just a cockroach. I've been counted out before. This isn't new to me. Elinor St. John: Have you ever stopped to think why, when there's a house fire, the people die and the cockroaches all survive? Jack Conrad: Jesus Christ. Elinor St. John: What happened was you thought the house needed you. It doesn't. Doesn't need you any more than it needs the roaches. And the roaches, knowing this, crawl back into the dark, lay low, and make it through. See, but you, you held the spotlight. It's those of us in the dark, the ones who just watch, who survive.

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Ruth Adler: Man number three, I can see your erection. Max (Ruth's Assistant Director): All right, tuck it. Just tuck it up.

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Jack Conrad: You ever been on a movie set before? Manny Torres: No. Jack Conrad: You'll see. It's the most magical place in the world. Manny Torres: Eso dicen.

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Lady Fay Zhu: You okay, sweetie? Jack Conrad: [long pause] It was the most magical place in the world, wasn't it? Lady Fay Zhu: It was. Jack Conrad: Another set, another review. Another romance, another breakup. I'm tired, Fay. [long pause] It's okay. It's okay. I've been the luckiest bastard in the world. I had a good run, didn't I? Hmm? Lady Fay Zhu: You sure did. Jack Conrad: Yeah. I enjoyed that.

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Ruth Adler: Just, uh, shoot the men. Max (Ruth's Assistant Director): No tits? Ruth Adler: No tits. Max (Ruth's Assistant Director): All right, no tits, everybody! We're shooting the men.

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Jack Conrad: It's not a low art, you know. I want you to know that. What I do means something to millions of people. My folks didn't have the money or the education to go to the theater, so they went to the vaudeville houses, and then the nickelodeons. And you know what? There's beauty there. What happens up on that screen means something. Maybe not to you in your ivory tower. But for real people on the ground, it means something. Estelle: Jack, I--I have no idea what you're talking about. Jack Conrad: Of course you don't. Of course you don't! A hundred thousand people see you on Broadway, and it's the smash of the century, right? Well, here it's a flop! A fucking flop! So do me a favor, darling. Save your subtext recommendations for your pretentious Eugene O'Neill-Henrik Ibsen jerk-offs that only a handful of rich geriatrics give two fucks about, and I'll do what I do, without your help!

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Ruth Adler: Cut! Okay, forgive the ask. This is nuts, but could you by any chance try the same thing with less tears? Nellie LaRoy: One tear or two...

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Manny Torres: I'm not used to these kind of people. Jimmy: They're no worse than movie people.

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Jack Conrad: This table only has one bottle, and we're gonna need eight. We're also gonna need two gin rickeys, an orange blossom with brandy, three French 75s. Can you do a Corpse Reviver? Gin, lemon, triple sec and Kina Lillet with a dash of absinthe. Two of those. Jen: Two of those.

Dialogue

Jack Conrad: [enters her room as she is typing] Madame? Let's chat. Elinor St. John: I'm on a deadline, darling. Jack Conrad: You know, when I first moved to LA, you know what the signs on all the doors read? "No actors or dogs allowed." Yeah, I changed that. I helped build this place you call home. I've never had any illusions about us. I've never pretended we're friends. We're friendly. I scratch yours, you scratch mine. That's our work. But this? [tosses the Photoplay magazine on Elinor's table] This is something else. [Sits down on a chair in front of Elinor's desk] Elinor St. John: [places her glasses on her desk] What do you want, Jack? Jack Conrad: I want to know why you wrote it. Elinor St. John: No, you want to know why they laughed. Would you like me to tell you? Jack Conrad: Why they laughed. Sure, Elinor. Why? Elinor St. John: There is no why. It wasn't your voice. It wasn't a conspiracy. And it certainly wasn't anything I wrote. There's nothing you could have done differen

Dialogue

Constance Moore: This goddamn bitch is stealing the scene from right in front of me! She's changing the blocking in every take! She's icing her nipples to perk them up! Nellie LaRoy: Fuck you, I ain't icing my nipples, this is natural. You're just sore because yours just look like fuckin' latkes. Constance Moore: [holds up a dildo] And she placed this... in my dressing room. Nellie LaRoy: I don't even know what that is.

Dialogue

Jack Conrad: [approaches the bellhop] Hey, you do a great job. What's the best tip you've ever received? Bellhop: Fifty dollars. Jack Conrad: Who gave you that? Bellhop: You did, Mr. Conrad. Jack Conrad: [gives the rest of his money to the bellhop and says his last words] It's on you now, kid. The future's yours.

Dialogue

Manny Torres: I just love watching movies, you know? Nellie LaRoy: I love watching movies too. Manny Torres: You sit there. And you're watching the movie and... Nellie LaRoy: And you escape. You don't have to be in your own shitty fucking life. Manny Torres: Exactly! Nellie LaRoy: Exactly! You can be in their life! Manny Torres: Or wherever! Nellie LaRoy: Or wherever! Manny Torres: You can be in the fucking Wild West! You can be in fucking space! You can be like a gangster. And people dance in movies and people die in movies. And they're not really dead. It's fucking amazing. They're not really dead!

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Manny Torres: Nothing happened, for real, but at the same time, it's something even more important than life. You can feel it! Like - I don't know. Movies are sad sometimes. Movies are fucking happy. Nellie LaRoy: They make you feel something.

Dialogue

Ruth Adler: Who the fuck is this? I asked for the girl with the tits. The Count: This is who they found. Ruth Adler: What happened to the tits part? The Count: She OD'd.

Dialogue

Don Wallach: We're really excited about our new discovery, Nellie LaRoy. Reporter (Small Restaurant): Is she here tonight? Can you point her out to me? Don Wallach: She's the one having sex with the ice sculpture. We're all very fond of her.

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Jack Conrad: Bauhaus! You know what I mean by Bauhaus, don't you? Writer (Jack's Tent): Not as it relates to this, no sir.

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Jack Conrad: [answers phone] Hello? Irving Thalberg: Jack, it's Irv. Listen, there's no good way to say this. They found George in his home this morning. Looks like he struck out with a girl he was seeing. He shot himself. Jack? Jack Conrad: Thank you.

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Ruth Adler: Tim, you're fired. Max (Ruth's Assistant Director): You heard her, get the fuck off this set!

Dialogue

Mr. Thalberg: [puts hand on Manny's shoulder] You're great, man. You call my office 'cause we're gonna need more musicians. [puts hand across Manny's back] And you're talented, man. Band member: [approaches with extended for handshake] Mr. Thalberg, it's an honor to meet-- Mr. Thalberg: [briefly shakes the band member's hand and walks away] Yeah, I'm gonna throw up now.

Dialogue

Man 1: Spoke to my friend at Kinoscope. He said the movie's a disaster. Man 2: LaRoy's? Man 1: Yeah. They went double the budget 'cause she could never hit her fucking mark and her voice sounds like a dying pig. No, seriously, apparently the footage is so awful, Wallach's already thinking of dumping her. Man 2: I'm not surprised. She never had any talent anyway. Oh my God, zero. Filthy, slutty piece of fucking trash with a nasty voice. You meet her dad? Man 1: Oh my God. He's even more embarrassing than she is. Fucking idiot. Goodbye! Don't come back! It's the end, I'm telling you. It's the end for all of 'em. All the frogs. [Nellie becomes visibly upset and repeatedly bangs her head against the door frame]

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Robert Roy: [telling story to woman] And that, that is when I grabbed the snake by the head. Nellie LaRoy: [walks up] The big fucking man! There he is! Robert Roy: What? Nellie LaRoy: What's he telling you? What was he saying to you? Robert Roy: The snake story. Nellie LaRoy: The snake story. Dad, I have an idea. Why don't you fight a snake, a real one, right now. Come on. Robert Roy: No problemo. Let's go fight a snake. Nellie LaRoy: Okay! [smashes glass on ground and announces to party] Fucking listen up, all you big dick mister men! Who wants to see my dad fight a fucking snake? [party is silent] Jack Conrad: [breaks silence with raised hands] Fuck yeah! [the entire party then simultaneously outbursts in approval with raised hands] Party guests: Yeah! [Chanting] A snake's getting fought!

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Nellie LaRoy: I'm already a star. Manny Torres: Ah, you are? Nellie LaRoy: Yeah. Manny Torres: What have you been in? Nellie LaRoy: Nothing yet.

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Jack Conrad: I saw Olga Putti sing to herself in Hungarian, and I think I'm in love. Send two dozen roses to her dressing room every morning this week. Manny Torres: You know she doesn't speak English? Jack Conrad: Neither does love.

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James McKay: Okay, so there's this 10-year-old kid and he's a prodigy. Good with words, plays piano, recites Lincoln. But the twist is, he's a 50-year-old midget! The joke's on us! Manny Torres: That is good.

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Elephant Wrangler: This is a truck for horses! Do I look like a fucking Maharaja? Manny Torres: [bribes the wrangler] And you're invited to the party.

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Jack Conrad: I'm gonna play it adagio. You know, for the music and the poetry. All art aspires to music. Otto: I like it. Jack Conrad: Yeah. Sandwich!

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Jimmy: [referring to dead extra] He probably ran himself through. Director (Wallach's Party): I heard he was a heavy drinker. Jimmy: It's a disease.

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Reggie: I practice nine hours a day, you fuck. Sidney Palmer: Yeah, yeah, but I mean on saxophone, not cocksucking.

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Manny Torres: What's your name? Nellie LaRoy: Nellie LaRoy. Manny Torres: Perfect. Once again. Nellie LaRoy: Nellie LaRoy. Manny Torres: In French. Nellie LaRoy: It is French already!

Dialogue

Dale: Scene 17, take seven. Mark. Action. [squeaks] Nellie: Hello, college. Dale: Nell, your mark! Nellie: [screams] Fuck this shit! Bill: [opens door to audio engineer box] Fuck. Lloyd. It's a million fucking degrees! [the crew shoves Bill back in and shuts the door] Dale: We gotta move the mic. Or you could fucking direct her to hit her fucking mark. But why is it so fucking hard? You're right! Nellie: I didn't realize we were making Ben-Hur! Dale: I can move it right now. My whole year is wide open. We could shoot this thing through fucking New Year's. Wherever the fuck those little feet of hers want to go, I can move the mic for them! Okay, calm down! Get off of me! I dare you! I fucking dare you! Get off the set! You're good. Nellie: Un-fucking-professional! Dale: Okay. Okay, Lloyd, ready to go again? You want me to use this chalk? Make the mark bigger for you? Ruth: Okay, we're gonna go again. It's fine. No, it's fine. Dale: The mark's right here. Nellie: I'm gonna kick your fuck

Dialogue

Max: [knocks on audio engineer box to no response] Billy! [laughs] Bill! Billy, come on. Bill... Let's get a crowbar. Come on. Hurry up. All crew: [Bill falls out box unresponsive] Bill! Ruth: Oh my God. Crew: [checking for pules on wrist] He's dead.

Dialogue

Jack Conrad: Elinor, I will master the talking film on film. Elinor St. John: Do you miss the silents? Jack Conrad: ...No. We shouldn't stand in the way of progress.

Dialogue

Sidney Palmer: You need to play better. You embarrassing us. Reggie: Joe, you hear what he just said to me? Listen to this psychopath. When you gonna do something? Sidney Palmer: Why you worried about Joe? Nigga, when are you gonna do something? Have you ever heard of Alexander Scriabin? Reggie: Why the fuck do I care about Alexander Scriabin? Sidney Palmer: Alexander Scriabin was a Russian pianist. Broke his hands just so his fingers could stretch across the keys better. I'm saying if I fucking headbutt you across them funky-ass lips of yours, you might start playing a little better. We can hope.

Dialogue

James McKay: Would you like a drink? It's Brandy and Ether. Jimmy: Yes.

Dialogue

Institutionalised Mother: [standing in echoing corridors in a smock] Nellie LaRoy: Seems like a nice place.

Dialogue

Elinor St. John: Would you mind showing me to the upstairs powder room, my dear boy? Manny Torres: Sure, uh, it's here down the hall. Elinor St. John: No! No, no, upstairs. Manny Torres: The stairs are very steep, I think. Elinor St. John: I can be carried.

Dialogue

Nellie LaRoy: You're about to not have a job, fucko! Dale: Listen, I know you wish you were Billie Dove... Nellie LaRoy: Oh, I think you wish you were eating my ass!

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Elinor St. John: So, Jacky boy, how do you think it turned out? Jack Conrad: Ah, people want the kiss, we give them the kiss.

Dialogue

Nellie LaRoy: [At the Hearst party, struggling to cope with the upper-class snobbery, then finally breaking] Actually, I've got one. A bear and a rabbit are shittin' in the woods one day. And the bear says to the rabbit, 'Hey, do ya ever have a problem with the shit sticking to your fur?' And the rabbit finishes shitting and he says, 'No, I never do. Why?' And the bear says, 'Fan-fuckin'-tastic!' And he grabs the rabbit behind the ears and... [grabs the rabbit fur scarf from around Mildred Yates' neck and imitates wiping her rear with it] Elinor St. John: [dumbfounded] I can't believe you just... Nellie LaRoy: Why not? Why, haven't you heard what they say about me? I'm a degenerate fuckin' animal. 'Oh, Nellie!' Look at them. 'Oh, who knows what she might do? She's from Jersey, y'know.' This is what a degenerate fuckin' animal from Jersey does. [She animalistically feasts at the buffet like an animal, to everyone's stunned glare] That's what the degenerate fuckin' animal from Jersey doe

Dialogue

Schneller, motherfuckers! [Subtitles: Faster, motherfuckers!]