Melissa & Joey

Mel: (voiceover) “Melissa & Joey” is recorded in front of the live studio audience. Joe: Hey. Mel: (annoyingly sighs) Joe: And good morning to you. Mel: (pointing at the basket) What the hell is that? Joe: Oh, that’s a bribe from the Buchwalds. Yeah, they’re still trying to woo me over there to be their full-time nanny. Mel: (reading) “We long for you, Joe Longo.” Joe: (laughing) Isn’t that funny? Mel: (reading) “From the Buchwald family, Zev, Sienna, Liam, Alexa, Tessa and Tucker.” Oh, look at us. We’re one huge happy family. (mockingly laughing) Show-offs. Take your muffin basket and shove it, Buchwalds. Joe: Oh, I see that night at the spa did wonders for your mood. Mel: Austin had a vasectomy. Joe: They do that there? I mean, they do the whole seaweed wrap thing. I just didn’t realize it was so tight. Mel: Not last night. When he was 25, he decided he never wanted to have kids. Joe: Wow. I’m sorry, Burke. Jeez, that sucks. Man, the biggest decision I made at 25 was to grow a goatee

Melissa & Joey, CC BY-SA 4.0

Mel: To you, Joe. You’re a good friend. You know, you risked your reputation or whatever’s left of it…to save me. Joe: Well, it wasn’t a big deal. You know, it’s like I always say “Friends don’t let friends’ sex tapes go viral.” Joe: I hope you’re gonna destroy that thing. Mel: Mmm, no, I’m gonna keep it. Are you kidding? This is a part of my past. It’s who I am. And if memory serves, I look pretty damn good in it. In fact, I was thinking about throwing myself a solo viewing party later. Joe: Yeah, all right, I guess I can see why you’d want to keep it. (He smashes a videotape with the pepper shaker) You’re welcome. Mel: My tape! Joe: Yeah, you’ll thank me when you’re president.

Melissa & Joey, CC BY-SA 4.0

Mel: So what’s for dinner? Ryder: Here you go. Mel: Okay, that is the bowl of whipped cream. That’s not a meal. Ryder: Now it is. Mel: You really expect me to eat this? (eating the pretzel and the whipped cream) Oh, man, that’s good. Ryder: Told you. I know what I’m doing. Lennox: Wait, I thought you were going out to dinner with Joe. Mel: Joe had to work tonight. He’s always on call. But I’m okay with that. You know, dating a Manny is like dating a doctor… except with the income, status, or access to drugs.

Melissa & Joey, CC BY-SA 4.0

Mel: How could you encourage this? Joe: I didn’t encourage this. I didn’t know she had a baby. When Ryder said, you know, she had a lot going on. I thought he meant Spanish club and yearbook. Not Mommy and me and breastfeeding. Mel: Th-This could totally ruin Ryder’s future. You know, he’s already getting a “C” in algebra without a baby in his life. With a baby, who knows what kind of terrible things could happen? Joe: Maybe he’ll get a better grade in biology. Stella: Hey. Mel: Hey, Stella. Stella: Um, I had some extra milk. Is it cool if I put it in the fridge for next time? Mel: Yeah, of course. I mean, there’s always room in my fridge for teen mom milk. I’m totally cool with this. Joe: Just-Just-Just don’t put it next to the half and half, all right? I don’t want to make any mistakes when I’m making my coffee in the morning. Stella: Oh, got it. Oh, and thanks again for being so understanding. Mel: (sighs) Joe: Yeah, she seems pretty sweet. Maybe, maybe this would be okay. Mel: Okay

Melissa & Joey, CC BY-SA 4.0