Mitch Hedberg

Award won Role or nomination

1. 1968 age 0

   Born

2. 2000 age 32

   CreditAlmost Famous

3. 2005 age 37

   Died

• KSKevin Sussman1 title
• JTJohn Toll1 title
• EBEion Bailey1 title
• JAJohn Patrick Amedori1 title
• PFPatrick Fugit1 title
• WMWilliam Mapother1 title
• IBIan Bryce1 title
• RWRainn Wilson1 title
• MAMichael Angarano1 title
• MMMarc Maron1 title

• I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a doorknob on your side, but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat."

  Mitch Hedberg, CC BY-SA 4.0

• I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!" (laughter) See, this is a smart crowd. Whenever I play for a dumb crowd, I say, "You got a lot of shit on your head!"

  Mitch Hedberg, CC BY-SA 4.0

• I went to the store and bought eight apples. The clerk said, "Do you want me to put them in a bag?" I said, "Oh no, man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight. If I'm ever here buying nine apples, bag 'em up!"

  Mitch Hedberg, CC BY-SA 4.0

• I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...oh, wait it's at home...in the file...under 'D', for doughnut."

  Mitch Hedberg, CC BY-SA 4.0

• A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

  Mitch Hedberg, CC BY-SA 4.0

• I am not addicted to gambling although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

  Mitch Hedberg, CC BY-SA 4.0